Boredom, Porn and Misdirection

[Chris]

Honestly, Den, I really don't know what to make of what you said. Overall, I can sense that you're a great guy who's just trying to be as honest with me as I have been, and although I got the feeling that it wasn't meant to be taken this way, I felt ... breathless and taken aback and pained like I'd been sucker-punched when you say 'refuse of humanity'. I think that was ... harsh. Way harsh. Maybe not harsh if you were referring to me, because that's what I boil down to, but everyone else I've written about are basically good people, or at the very least normal people, and it almost physically hurts to see that in print. I think maybe you would have been better off reading the stuff in between, and that maybe you are missing something between the lines.

Maybe I've been giving the wrong impression or something. Like with that uniform thing, where everyone wrote crud on my shirt; they weren't, like, picking on me or anything, that's just normal, everyone does it to everyone. My dad may sound like, and is, a royal tool, and Glenn is no walk in the park, but ... 'refuse of humanity'?

By the way, rofl, don't read too much into my 'seriously', ok? It's from Grey's Anatomy, it's a word I like to abuse.

[Denithar]

don't worry, I wasn't reading too much into "seriously".

I should not have used such a strong wordy most likely. I did not mean that the people you were portraying were refuse in any way at all. I meant that you are writing of the actions of people from what basically is from a non-moralist perspective. You writing is reminiscent of John Ernst Steinbeck. That author had great talent. But as a Christian, I know there are rights and wrongs, whereas Steinbeck's characters either reject this fact or try to ignore it.

So, to be specific, you speak of looking up porn, and it makes the story funny, and it adds spunk. But if you are to make this really worth reading then it should help the reader to do better, not encourage him/her to be like a bad example.

I understand that you pretty much despise your local church, especially the preacher. But it is possible that you have not seen the real beauty and truth of Christianity, which is the most freeing power on earth. If you had experienced what Christianity is really about, or had real Christians in your life, then you might not hate any of your fellow humans.

Froggy is so much better at this stuff than I. And I have been blessed with a family that has stuck together, though at times we have been close to divorce. I have been privileged to be friends with some of the most precious people on earth; people who put everyone else before themselves. I would not say that I do this yet, but that is what Christianity cames down to when you look at applicability. When you accept the teachings of Christ as true, then it means that you really are not the center of your life and serving others is more important than serving myself. All this to say though, life is not fair, I understand. I may have been put in a family that helped me to see truth, and another has not had that luck. I did not attack your writing because it lacks skill; in fact it is quite good. I did not attack your writing because it offended me personally; I have read plenty of authors who were skillful at story but not at bettering the lives of their fellow humans beings. I said it because I love you and being honest is one thing, but being honest about how sinful our actions are, and attempting to change is more important still.

I don't expect you were ready to hear any of that, and I don't much believe in the effectiveness of online preaching. But, you did say you wanted to know me, and I am, as you are, a very honest and forthright person. Please, I say again, if you feel I am wrong in some way, tell me where. I don't want to seem as if I think I can know someone's life merely by reading something they wrote online. I will even give this disclaimer. Because this is all based on a very weak foundation (namely, I do not actually know you), a lot of what I said as it applies directly to you may be a load of bull. Which I would like to know if that is the case. I love you without even knowing your name, and I wish that I could be your friend.

[Chris]

Aw, Den, of course you can be my friend. I know you're a good guy.

Yes, I guess I am sort of writing from a non-moralist perspective. The thing is that ... I don't believe in God, and I don't think anything anyone could say would change my mind. That said, I can understand and respect your belief that you feel it is your duty as a Christian to try and help people find their freedom and happiness in faith as you have, and I also understand and respect that in your opinion, maybe it isn't enough for me to talk about the things I do, but to make my readers understand that some of the things I do do have moral implications, and that I should recognize that and try to change.

But ... as much as I understand and respect your beliefs, I know that different people have different beliefs, and try as I might I don't share yours. I don't reject or ignore the fact that there are things that are right and wrong, and I consider myself to be a pretty moral person, but I just let my conscience be my guide, and my conscience is telling me that it's not wrong for me to tell people about my life in a morally unassuming way, and it is telling me that I am not wrong for letting people judge for themselves whether I am right or wrong to do this. I don't feel I am in any position to advocate or recriminate anything I've said about my life, and I don't.

What I'm trying to say, in a nutshell, is that I'm just telling people about my life, and I don't think I should have to take any moral standpoints to do that.

[Denithar]

Righto. I respect your beliefs as well. And as my signature says "I prefer clarity to agreement". You know what I think, I know what you think, and now we can go past our differences. I still say your story is fascinating, despite how often you say your life is not so. Keep it up.

[Chris]

Thank you; I intend to.

[Chris]

Something is wrong with me today. I feel lousy. I'm angry as hell and I don't have any good reasons why.

I'm gonna vent.

My mood came about after I had my ass handed to me in Smash Bros. for like 3 hours. My brother Roy, his friend Celso and I were playing team battle, and because I'm so good they decided that it would be most fair if they were on a team together, and then I'd be on a team on my own and the CPU would be on a team of its own. But since the CPU degenerates into an idiot whenever an item appears and Roy had Celso charge up front to take the blows and then he swoops in to knock me flat it was an uphill battle that I could not win. But no matter how obvious it was that I was simply no match for them they didn't care, and they beat me time and time again. Of course they teased me all the while, which I was used to, but it got to me today. I don't know why; maybe it was because I lost and therefore felt like they were adding insult to injury, and maybe its because I never tease them when I win (at least not like they do it), but I was really peeved.

So I quit the game like 10 minutes ago and shooed them off so I could use the computer on my own, and when I logged on and checked the Welcome Board, there was a thread in which I had asked Ryan how it was that he came to be added to my revenge list. Ryan claimed that it was because I burned him twice, and in comes Ash to put in her two cents about how it must have been my fault in the first place, and Ryan concurred. Ryan seems to easily forget that I asked him for help when my Ready, Set, Spotlight! thread was just starting out and he snubbed me. He said in the saybox that he was bored, so I asked him to just do me a favor and review a story for my campaign, and he was all, "I'm not that bored." and used one of those silly tongue-out smilies to soften the blow I supposed, but I was honestly angry, although he probably never took it seriously. How do you just snub someone like that without cause? He just blatantly told me that he'd rather do nothing than help me out. If he'd asked me, or if anyone even, for help with something on the guild, I would do it in a heartbeat, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't help for no good reason. He didn't even bother to lie to me and say, "I can't, I'm busy right now." or something, and that really got on my nerves. It all came rushing back to me when I saw him pinning the blame for being on my list back on me.

But that's nothing compared to how angry I got when I saw Ash say, "He probably deserved it." No, that's not what she said, but it was something to that effect, and I was so hurt. I have always believed that Ash disliked me ever since we all had that big tiff back at the old guild when everyone thought I was being disrespectful. I always wondered how it was that they could take it so seriously, but I coughed it up to something they saw in between the lines of text that made them so pissed off, and I was able to consider that maybe they were right. And none of them can say it was intentional, because Froggy is probably the only person I have ever connected with on this site and we still talk regularly even though she's not allowed on here anymore. I can't shake off this feeling that Ash secretly collects every bad thing I say into a file to rub in my face. This suspicion came to me when I gave a review of hers and Angie's duck story and when I gave them a good review this time around, as opposed to the bitchy one I gave them the first time, Ash was quick to whip out what I'd said last time; I think she went and looked it up and copied and pasted it there. I feel like I'll never stop paying for what happened back on the old guild and it makes me angry because I'm a pretty good guy! Sure, I'm a little proud of myself, but I try not to let it upset people (even though I don't understand why it should). I think Ash is making me out to be the John Sapphire who slipped through her fingers when she had the chance to strike me: she's just waiting for the right time to make her move again. And that's a real shame, because I like it here and I try to not to break any rules or thread on any toes and I don't think I deserve to be treated like a criminal waiting to happen. I like Ash, and I hate that she doesn't just come out and say, "Hey, I have a problem with you! Here's how you can make it better."

I knew that I was reading too much into what they said, and that they didn't mean it that way, but there's still the ugly truth hiding behind the silly play: I'm the one who you should look out for when there's trouble.

Oh, and the clincher: I came here to vent, and what should I happen to see but 'refuse of humanity' as I'm scanning my journal thread. I hate to say this, but I'm afraid I dislike Den very much for saying that. There's just no getting around the fact that he said he was being honest, and he used that expression to describe the people I know and love! It pains me like a stab, and I hate that he ever said it because it's burned into my brain that that's what he really thinks. I'll never believe he meant otherwise no matter how he tries to rationalize it. AND he made Froggy feel wretched and doubtful of herself because of certain almost-romantic feelings between them, and now Froggy believes that everything that went down was her own fault and I hate that. He's hurt her, and he's hurt me, and I don't think I'll ever forget that, particularly since I think Froggy's on the fast track to being hurt again no matter what I tell her. I'm helpless because to her I'm probably just a nameless and faceless guy who tells her nice things, and I'll admit that even I wouldn't listen to the advice of a stranger, but damn! I want her to know that this is different, even if I can't explain how, and it is all Den's fault.

I'm tired of ranting. Ranting, in my opinion, doesn't do anything but let you feed on your own anger, and I have a lot of anger and nothing to really be angry about. I have a lot of it welled up in me and its all blind as a bat, and I find it scary and dangerous to be that way when everywhere I turn I find someone pushing me to let it go, whether its my brothers ceaseless teasing, or Ash's passive-aggressiveness, or Den's unwelcome influences on my friend or my own dissatisfactions with myself being inadequate and unable to amount to anything because I have let myself become trapped and useless and ignorant. And lazy. I can tell this anger isn't good for me, and I can tell that being a layabout isn't good for me, but I'm too ignorant to know how to deal with it, and I'm too lazy to do something about it even if I know how, and it's driving me nuts when I have moments of clarity like this that I know I have to stop all this from coming toppling down on top of me, but I also know that my anger will wear off, and my memory and motivation will fade oh too fast, and I'll be right back where I started.

Now I'm really tired of ranting.

[Anna!/Gilly]

Well, I read all that, and I'm really sorry. *hugs* I saw what that guy Den said, and I agree ... it isn't appropriate. Where I come from, if you said something like that to anybody, nice or mean, alone or in a crowd, it would be hugely inappropriate. Again, I'm really sorry. I know you will have a better day tomorrow.

[Chris]

Yeah, thanks, but I feel pretty stupid today about the whole thing. I just threw a tantrum for no reason.

[Anna!/Gilly]

No, you had a reason - you were really frustrated at how your relationships with other people are going. How are you todaay?

Lol I feel like a psychologist ....

[Chris]

I'm pretty awesome (as per usual). I'm in an excellent mood, mostly because my mom forgot that she wanted us to go to church today. Yeah, yeah, I'm a terrible person, I know, but I can't help feeling when I go into a church that I'll be struck by lighting or get burned in a hail of fire (hint, hint). Plus my mom told my sister and I that we would be getting driving lessons today, so that'll be good for a laugh (the last time she tried to teach me to drive was a hilarious fiasco; I thought those stop-and-go antics you always see in the movies were just tired jokes, but that's exactly what my driving is like). Like I said, I was just in a mood yesterday, and I take back everything I said that wasn't about my brother or myself. And Den. *mutters*

[AshVersion2]

*sneaks in* *hugs Chris* *runs away before he protests*

[Denithar]

I told you before, but I believe you either want a reason to be sorry for yourself or are bit thick, and I don't think it is the later because you seem quite intelligent. Be that as it may, I will clarify what I meant once more. Your journal is titled "Boredom, Porn and Misdirection". Most likely anyone who is bored is selfish. I say this realizing there are exceptions, but there are just too many things you can do for other people for you to be bored. Boredom almost always implied laziness. If you are bored, go help somebody with their yard, play with little kids (they will love you for it), get a job, read, study.

Porn is not evil. Evil is something akin to rape or pedophilia. However, someone who devotes time to porn is selfish. They are wasting time that could be more wisely spent.

You see Pestilence; I try to devote my life to making the world a better place. I know you care more about yourself than anything else. So when I said: "You really do have a knack for making the refuse of humanity interesting to read" I meant your actions which you wrote about in a funny and entertaining manner. I was not accusing any of your relations because I would not do that without having met them, or read their own writing. Obviously, this shouldn’t make you like me any better, but understand I was accusing you, and nobody else.

I find it strange to jump to such a different subject, but I care more for Froggy than you imply, and would do whatever it took to help her. However, if I girl tells me that she loves me, I am honest with her and tell her that I am not ready to give away my heart. I did not tell Froggy this right away because I thought for a time that I might be ready. People wiser than I assured me that I was not, and now I know, and she agrees, that pulling the plug was the right thing. We are still dear friends. In fact, I was dancing with her yesterday.

Even if you were here, and knew Froggy as well as I do, I doubt she would give you a lot of trust because you hold radically different values and beliefs to her and me. Then again, Froggy is a much more trusting person than I am.

If you really care about Froggy, tell me what I can do to help her with whatever you say she is “on a fast track to being hurt again” about. Because, I must admit, I do not see it. She seems to be getting happier all the time to me. However, I don’t see her as often as my friends who live closer, and go to the same college. Not to mention she tends to be more open online than in person, and I have been dramatically cutting my online chatting time.

And finally, if you have the balls, tell me exactly what is “all Den's fault.” I will be waiting to hear from you, whether on this board, or by PM. Unless of course you really do not care about either Froggy or me.

[Chris]

L. M. A. O. Talk about revealing your true colors! I applauded when I read this, honest I did, because I always suspected that you were something like this underneath it all and you don't know how relieved I am to have written, undeniable proof of it. Brava. I'm really ever so delighted to know that you were talking about me, and not my family and friends, being the refuse of humanity, and I'm so glad that you've pointed out just how selfish I am and just how much better you are than me. "If you have the balls"? "Unless of course you really do not care about either Froggy or me."? Really Den, brava, standing ovation from me. What's next? "Go ahead; I dare you?" "What are you, chicken?" "Put up or shut up, bitch?"

Like I said, I am really sorry about most of what I said yesterday. I don't know Froggy irl, and thus she must think of me as merely some guy she talks to on occasion on YIM. But I was severely remiss to say anything about the relationship or lack thereof between you guys. That was really, really stupid, and I must be probably be thick after all. You shouldn't have listened to anything I said, and I had no right to say it. And I'm sure not going to make that mistake again, no matter how much self-righteous, holier-than-thou, pseudo-alpha-male goading you wanna heap on me.

Yeah, I guess I am sort of doing the same thing, huh? Oh, well, let's chalk it up to me being the refuse of humanity and call it a day, eh?

[Denithar]

I am not going to debate you Pest. At least now you realize that I was attacking your character and not your relations, which was the point of my post. I really did think you would back up your accusation of something being all my fault, after all, I would say your writing skills exceed mine. Now however, I am just disappointed that your opinion of me lacks reason.

[Chris]

I have nothing to back up. There's no rhyme or reason to anything I said. I just blathered on about nothing, and I'm still doing it and I just want it to be over. I'm really sorry that I caused all this trouble, and I would do anything to just get you to forget that I was ever stupid enough to open my mouth about it, and rest assured that I have stuffed my significantly large feet into it to prevent it from happening in future. What do you say?