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Post by eakyra on Oct 6, 2006 0:03:40 GMT -5
Um... just something. Its strange. I just kinda got inspired to write it... Im not sure I like it right yet. I need to work on it. I like the whole story behind it, I may just redo the whole thing.
Dont Worry Baby By: Carmen Marie Howrey
Dont you worry baby, everything will be alright. You know that your daddy wont go down without a fight.
Be quiet baby, we dont want them to hear. Be brave, dont cry, dont you shed one tear.
Hush my baby, I need you to listen now. Dont let them find you, promise;no way, no how.
Dont worry baby, everything will be alright. Mommy has to go now, remember, stay out of sight.
Now mommy has to fight.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 7, 2006 14:24:20 GMT -5
I am sorry if you put lots of emotion into it, but it came off to me as mushy/sappy. Oh, and I thought most of the rhymes were awkward. And I don't know why you refuse to let the word 'don't' have its apostrophe. By the way, 'alright', while used often, is not a word in standard english. Use 'all right' instead. Also, I've noticed in the guild that you seem to fancy putting end lines that suggest something that puts a new dimension on the poem. Between this and Sapphirebird's picking up a gun...
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 7, 2006 14:25:36 GMT -5
Quite unfortunately, I realize, there is an extremely fine line between sappy and profound. Look to The Ballad of Reading Gaol for an example of the latter.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 7, 2006 18:13:58 GMT -5
Well like I said, im not completely happy with it. I just needed to get something down so I would have the story behind the poem. Thanks though, I love getting reviews from you, they are very honest.
And BTW... nice signature. ;D
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 7, 2006 19:06:36 GMT -5
You're very welcome. I try.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 7, 2006 22:42:40 GMT -5
Lol!!!! I can tell!
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 10, 2006 12:09:34 GMT -5
I have been thinking about a poem/song like this. It's awesome to be told everything is truly ok, isn't it... This poem isn't really about that though; I see it as a historical war zone. Nice sing-song-ness...there is intensity in it. The words are too plain, too simple, unpoetic and more like pure dialogue. I like the finality of the last verse though it confused me because the person you refer to before, whom I thought was speaking, was 'daddy'. USE CONTRACTIONS!!!1 You know enough for that, Ee-kay-ra. DON'T AND WON'T.
Isn't mush an emotion? I mean it's not one I, nor John apparently, often or ever have, but some sorts of people do have it.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 10, 2006 15:07:13 GMT -5
Thanks Cy, like I said.... Just trying to get something down so I could revamp it later. ;D
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 10, 2006 22:05:00 GMT -5
mushy is to sincere what lust is to love: a repellent (not, but should be) condemned-by-the-bible form of it.
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Post by The Observer on Oct 10, 2006 22:15:06 GMT -5
The idea is a good one. I suggest you re-write it. The rhymes are a little awkward and I lost the speaker when you switched from talking about Mommy, to talking about Daddy. A neat idea, but it needs to be redone.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 10, 2006 23:25:54 GMT -5
Yes thank you everyone for noticing the obvious. It was my intention all along to rewrite it. I was at work and had to get it down somehow. Thank you all again.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 11, 2006 21:05:23 GMT -5
I feel bound to tell you that I really don't even like the idea of the poem. It's almost drama-queen overdone.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 11, 2006 23:03:58 GMT -5
Well thats just your opinion. ;D And its not the whole of my thoughts, its just something so I would remember. Like when I get an idea and im out in public, I usually end up bumming a pen of some random person and scribbling on a napkin.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 12, 2006 9:52:56 GMT -5
Well thats just your opinion. ;D What'd you expect, a novel?
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Post by eakyra on Oct 12, 2006 14:32:39 GMT -5
I was just making a statement.
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