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Post by eakyra on Oct 10, 2006 23:36:59 GMT -5
I wrote this about my best friend several years ago. She is still the same way today. But I just really like this poem and thought it would be diffrent.
Emily
(For my Emily...) - dedication
Dear Emily,
She hides within her own dismay.
Letting her troubles bind her.
Letting her faults blind her.
O her eyes!
She has the most glorious brown eyes!
But she shields them with a dusky blue.
She hides beneath her unknown truth.
A tender smile,
Bringing a warm glow that lights the room.
But it is only a mask she wears,
The brightest and darkest mask.
With delicate hands
She reaches out, grasping for
Something she can hold on to,
Something that won't let her go.
Extraordinary beauty.
But in her heart she thinks it is not.
She thinks she is the crow.
When in fact she is the swan.
Carmen Marie Howrey
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 11, 2006 7:03:36 GMT -5
Hmm..."The brightest and darkest mask./Delicate hands." is quite cool...this poem has stained-glass color to it. This has good imagery but it's rather choppy...you use an Olde word "hath" only once, and otherwise keep to modern English. This "Letting her troubles bind her.
Letting her faults blind her.
O' her eyes!
She hath the most glorious brown eyes!" really really changed the style, and didn't quite work because it was abrupt in doing so. Is "sheild" spelled wrong? This has a nice atmosphere to it, a fuzzy nice one--but loses some in translation from your mind perhaps. Writing character sketches of friends is a useful way to get poems...Does Emily know you wrote this about her?
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Post by eakyra on Oct 11, 2006 14:22:31 GMT -5
You have a point about the Hath, and Im not sure if... yeah... it is spelled wrong. *editing* I told her I wrote one about her, im not sure if she's ever read it. I know she wouldnt like it.  But she might... |
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 13, 2006 17:48:36 GMT -5
Letting her faults blind her. From...? Be specific. doesn’t need an apostrophe. A tender smile; bringing a warm glow that lights the room. --not a complete clause, it cannot have a semicolon after it. Use a comma/nothing after it. But it is only a mask she wears. The brightest and darkest mask. –fragment, needs a verb. Perhaps change the period after wears to a comma –fragment. She reaches out, grasping for something. Something she can hold on to. Something that wont let her go. 1) Cut the first 'something' and the period that follows it. 2) Change the period after 'to' to a comma. 3) It should read "She reaches out, grasping for something she can hold on to, something that won't let her go." 4) You may want to say "something on/upon which she can hold" because that is more idiomatic and eliminates the dangling preposition, but it isn't required. –spell extraordinary correctly. But in her heart she thinks it not. She thinks that she is the crow. When really she is the swan. 1) Add an 'is' between it and not. The auxiliary verb helps the flow. 2) Remove the 'that' between thinks and she. It REALLY helps the flow and dispenses with a superfluous word that irritates me. 3) Change 'really' to in fact, it sounds much better. Have I ripped it apart enough? I can do more   |
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 19:52:44 GMT -5
*edit*
I went back and made the alterations you suggested. I didnt change/add anything to the "letting her faults blind her" because right now I either cant find a way to add it without changing the flow, or I dont want to just add something in there that wont look right. I also think that in the whole of the poem, it explains why she is blinded.
I think the "Extraodinary beauty." still needs to be changed somehow. But I dont want to say specifically how because I dont want to look like a fool. What do you think?
Again, thank you so much.
*end edit*
Thank you so much John. I loved the way you edited this. It really pin points what I need to work on, and shows exactly what I need to fix. I learn much better that way. If you could, when you critique another poem of mine, could you do it in this fashion? Thank you again! It really means alot.
BTW - what did you think of it?
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 13, 2006 21:12:52 GMT -5
It was okay. I can tell you really care about her, and the emotion shows. The writing isn't brilliant, but none of us is professional. Even I, though published, am not technically professional.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 21:16:50 GMT -5
Well im published too and im definatly not proffesional. Even less if you say you arent. Thank you for the comment though.
Any idea's on the Beauty part, or do you think its ok?
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 13, 2006 21:18:36 GMT -5
It's fine, but in fact is two words, and won't needs an apostrophe.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 21:19:53 GMT -5
Thank you. And please notice my sig. |
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 13, 2006 22:14:21 GMT -5
It's very good.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 23:09:01 GMT -5
Your very welcome sire!  |
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 14, 2006 14:17:47 GMT -5
I think that the fragment is artistically used and appropriate.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 14, 2006 15:52:27 GMT -5
That's crap. Whatever you do, don't listen to Cy about this issue.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 14, 2006 22:01:09 GMT -5
*is confused*
Are you refering to the Extraodinary Beauty?
And my dear John, you have already said it was fine, so why are you jumping at Cy?
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Post by Emily on Oct 15, 2006 6:14:43 GMT -5
Goodness. What an amazing name... ;D I can't really comment much because the things that I would have possibly pointed out have already been done so... Just again - the name... |
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But she might...
