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Post by Gil Alexander on Jul 15, 2006 23:38:36 GMT -5
It might be. But so far, it's smooth, and you're spending more time on character rather than action. Which is cool for beginnings No problem! ;D
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Post by Angie on Jul 15, 2006 23:48:47 GMT -5
Lol, I just hope I can do it well past the beginning.
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Post by Gil Alexander on Jul 17, 2006 20:32:06 GMT -5
Review of Chapter 3 -
"My mom always had begged me to get rid of some of my books so that we would have more space, but I couldn’t even choose one that I was willing to lose, so that was when I built myself a huge bookshelf and stored them all away from her territory."
This is a runon sentence. I would end the sentence and start the next one at "so that was when I built myself ..." Also, there is a minor flow issue, "my mom alway had begged" is awkward; try "my mom had always begged ..."
The whole dream sequence thing is very cool and imaginitive. Well done. You said you wanted a little more substance to it in the A/N and here's a few suggestion: you could try to emphasis the darkness of the night, and then maybe the light when Pru finds the picnic thing. Also, you could put in a little mention of her writing in the dream, for instance, finding her notebook under a leaf or something.
Also, the transition from the dream to real life was well done and almost seamless. Good work.
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Post by Angie on Jul 17, 2006 20:34:31 GMT -5
Review of Chapter 3 - "My mom always had begged me to get rid of some of my books so that we would have more space, but I couldn’t even choose one that I was willing to lose, so that was when I built myself a huge bookshelf and stored them all away from her territory."This is a runon sentence. I would end the sentence and start the next one at "so that was when I built myself ..." Also, there is a minor flow issue, "my mom alway had begged" is awkward; try "my mom had always begged ..." The whole dream sequence thing is very cool and imaginitive. Well done. You said you wanted a little more substance to it in the A/N and here's a few suggestion: you could try to emphasis the darkness of the night, and then maybe the light when Pru finds the picnic thing. Also, you could put in a little mention of her writing in the dream, for instance, finding her notebook under a leaf or something. Also, the transition from the dream to real life was well done and almost seamless. Good work. How is it a run-on? Okay, I'll switch "always" and "had". Hmm, okay, I'll go through and see if I can rewrite/add to parts later (I have a huge headache right now). Thanks.
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Post by Gil Alexander on Jul 17, 2006 20:40:09 GMT -5
It has the correct punctuation, but it would be easier to be understood if it's split into two. But maybe I'm wrong.
Stupid headaches.
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Post by Angie on Jul 17, 2006 20:43:42 GMT -5
Oh. That's not a run-on. It's just confusing. ;D Very stupid headaches. *punches headache* *gets punched back in the head ten times harder* Note to self: don't punch a headache.
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Post by Gil Alexander on Jul 23, 2006 13:07:55 GMT -5
Review of Chapter 4 -
"That recurring dream became the second awakening for me in the past day. The way I saw it, I was running away from life, locking myself away from everyone and everything that meant anything to me. I suddenly remembered a quote from a movie I once saw, and it made me feel slightly guilty."
Yeah, this second reawakening (clever ;D) is rushed, and too subtle. If you want to keep this paragraph, I'd lead into it, like maybe a couple other paragraphs before it showing more detail in terms of the train of thought leading up to this realization.
I didn't see much wrong with the conversation, just that the mother was heaping so much work on her daughter's shoulders and it didn't seem like either cared that much.
The little scene at the end of this chapter with the guy looking to find out about memoirs is great. It's tense, it develops character, it builds suspense, and it shows more of plot. I love that part. Nice job.
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Post by Angie on Jul 23, 2006 18:03:49 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm awful with conversation; how can I make it more realistic?
*goes to add this to her to do list to do some revising to the story when she has time*
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Post by Gil Alexander on Jul 23, 2006 19:38:58 GMT -5
It's hard when one side of the conversation is almost nonexistent. I guess you could tell if Pru is fidgiting or something and what she's doing while her mom is talking. I'm not sure.
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Post by Angie on Jul 24, 2006 14:56:05 GMT -5
Hmm, yeah, I might experiment with adding some action on Pru's end.
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Post by Angie on Jul 30, 2006 14:02:35 GMT -5
Chapter III ~ Most Recently Revised: July 30 A/N: Okay, I'm still not totally sure if it's long enough, but I did spend a little bit of time on this. Some of the wordings are still awkward I'm sure (I think I fear ending sentences ), so let me know if any jump out at you. I fixed a couple of grammar mistakes and typos, smoothed out the reality-to-dream transitions slightly, added some more details in places, and put in a couple new paragraphs. Speaking of new paragraphs, let me know if the part about the notebook is too obvious, too subtle, too choppy (I'm not quite sure about the transition from that scene to the rest of the dream), etc. ~ As I changed into my nightgown, I chuckled silently at the fact that my room looked just like the place where I worked: a library. My mom had always begged me to get rid of some of my books so that we would have more space, but I couldn’t even choose one that I was willing to lose, so I ended up building myself a huge bookshelf to store them all away from her territory. I sleepily turned my head to look out the window. My eyes focused on the neighbor's dog chewing on a bone in their backyard, but the image soon began to blur and fade from my sight as I saw past it into a field. I squinted to see the details, but I didn’t have to after a moment, for the grassy plain had somehow moved closer. No, I was standing in it. I realized suddenly that it wasn’t a farmer’s field, as I had thought, but a small clearing in a forest. I was surrounded by such a cold feeling, such darkness that was hard to imagine. It enveloped everything it touched and suffocated all life that might have ever been in this place. Even the moonlight seemed to not be capable of any relief from the terrible feeling of the gloom of the night. I shivered and realized that I was still just wearing my nightgown, and snow had begun to fall gently on me. I turned around to go back to my room, but all I saw was forest. Since I apparently couldn’t go back the way I came, I wandered across the clearing to what seemed to be a thick line of trees. As I got closer, they seemed to get taller and more foreboding. I shivered again in the icey darkness. I paused for a moment as something caught my eye. I kneeled closer and brushed away the weeds and plants that conceiled the object, and I realized what it was. I couldn't help but smile a bit; it was the first story I ever wrote. The shaky handwriting on the cover of the notebook said "The Fairy Princess and Her Musical Knight". I'd written it about a fairy princess setting out on a quest to save her strong knight from the evil dragon king who wanted to slowly take him away from her with a malicious poison that made him bedridden until his death. My smile went away; my fairy princess didn't save her knight from the evil disease. I put the papers back under the weeds and got back up. I was suddenly even colder than before. My bare feet crunched on the cold dead flowers that covered the ground as I walked toward the woods. Upon getting a closer look at the tall, lifeless trees, I realized that I had been there before. More than once, in fact. I came there every night in my dreams, at first without the knowledge of my past visits, but then it all would come rushing back to me at once. I suddenly remembered everything I had known and felt about the place, and it gave me an uneasy feeling. The forest and clearing had absolutely no life to it anywhere, except perhaps in me, but part of me sometimes doubted even that. It was always very windy and icy, and it gave me chills for more reasons than one. In this place I always felt that something was watching me from the shadows, noting my every move, though I never heard or saw anything that would indicate such. I would have a terrible fear in the pit of my stomach that it might catch me, that I might have to face it. So throughout the entire dream, I would run, dashing behind trees and taking quick turns, just trying to flee that of which I was blindly terrified. As usual, I felt that prick on my neck and ran for it like my life depended on it, which at that moment in time, I thought it may very well have. Those woods seemed never-ending for a while, especially since I could only see a couple of feet away from me in any direction, but I soon started to come upon dead ends, trapping me with whatever it was that I feared so much. These barricades were mostly not very noteworthy in appearance, except for one: the waterfall. It was like a mesmerizing light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. From a few feet away, it looked like it was running, but as I got closer, I realized that it was frozen, and the sparkle I had seen was from the rays of the never-ending night’s moonlight shining down upon it through the moving trees. In a sort of trance, I put my hand on the glowing epitome of happiness frozen in time, but I drew back as I saw something behind the wall of twinkling ice. It was my mother. As I looked closer, I saw my grandmother, and my neighbor Ana, and Emmet, and just about every other person who I’d met in the past few years. They were all having a picnic with the bright sun shining down on their faces as they laughed and talked in the flowers, and my cousins were even trying to catch butterflies down by the rippling creek. I suddenly noticed that I had lost track of time and stood there longer than I had ever been motionless in my dream world, and then the thought crossed my mind that this was probably a big mistake. With my stomach in a knot to match that of a sailor’s skill, not knowing what would happen, I slowly turned around. At first I thought I was looking into a mirror because I saw my face. Then I realized that I was, in fact, staring at myself. I gasped slightly, and the other me smiled. She reached for my hand, but before she could touch me, I was suddenly being blinded. The bright sunlight shining through my curtains and the sounds of Mom making bacon in the next room seemed slightly distant at first, but once I realized that I was in my own bed, they were closer than I thought possible. That was a nice feeling.
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Post by Froggy on Jul 30, 2006 19:45:41 GMT -5
(My comments are underlined)Chapter II ~ Is she writing stories, or what kind of notes is she taking? Is this something we find out later, or did I miss it?
When did Pru stop talking? It says she asked her mom for something so we know she wasn't born silent. Did you want the reader to have all these unanswered questions? If so, great job. I got up and went into the kitchen to do as she said. I suppose she thought I couldn’t hear her from the next room because that was when she started to explain me a bit. She knows me better than anyone else in the world, but I didn’t like her feeling like she had to warn people or tell them why I was how I was. I wanted them to find out who I was on their own; that way they didn’t prejudge me (whether it be in a good or bad way) as much. She praises me with much of her talk, but people should have the opportunity to figure out if I’m a saint or sinner or just a human being without someone telling them what to think right when they meet me. I like this part, especially the last sentence. Good job showing us part of how she wants to be seen.“She doesn’t talk. . . She hasn’t said a word since- since her father died nine years ago. . . I suppose she’s still grieving.” It wasn’t just grief. Looking back, I now realize I just needed so desperately to know I had control over something in my life. There we go--disregard previous question. I stuck my head out of the swinging door to motion them to come in for dinner so that I could keep a better eye on her. Haha, funny.Every single person on Earth, even my mother, was in a circle of people living their lives, and I was standing a million miles away from it, unable to push my way to it or call out for help. Do you mean INto it?Even though they had only been dating for a little while, she seemed to really like him, and that was mainly all that really mattered. This might read better if you took 'mainly' out.How old is Pru? Did I miss that? Old enough to work...what kind of job would words be unecessary at? Hm...Anyway. Great job, Ang. I love your style of writing. It captures and holds the reader's attention throughout it. Again, do you mean for the reader to have so many unanswered questions? Cuz I'm still a bit confused.
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Post by Angie on Jul 30, 2006 20:04:59 GMT -5
Well, it's not important at the moment, but she does write all kinds of things; I think she was outlining an essay for school or something in this particular incident, but she also does stories, poetry, whatever. Although, toward the very end of the book, she will write something that is significant to the storyline. Hmm, I'll make a list of things I need to check on and read through it, but didn't I say that she stopped talking when/because her father died? And when did she ask her mom for something? Thanks. Lol, then disregard the previous comment. Lol, wow, I was funny without meaning to be! Yeah, I think I did. I'll go edit that. Yeah, I felt that it was a little awkward sounding, but I couldn't put my finger on why. Didn't I put her age somewhere? I could have sworn I did. . . Oh well, I'll just add it to my list of things to make sure I didn't forget. Anyway, she's about sixteen or so. You'll find out in the fourth chapter where she works. Thanks. Lol, I do intend to have the reader posing some unanswered questions at all times, but I think you're catching a few I didn't mean to be unanswered.
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Post by Froggy on Jul 30, 2006 21:05:46 GMT -5
Chapter III ~ As I changed into my nightgown, I chuckled silently at the fact that my room looked just like the place where I worked: a library. Good way of showing where she worked. I have to wonder, though, how did she manage to get a job without talking? And what does she do when someone needs help finding something?My mom had always begged me to get rid of some of my books so that we would have more space, but I couldn’t even choose one that I was willing to lose, so I ended up building myself a huge bookshelf to store them all away from her territory. Maybe instead of ‘I couldn’t even choose one’ say ‘I couldn’t choose even one.’ It’s just a slight difference, but I think it might bring the meaning out more clearly.My eyes focused on the neighbor's dog chewing on a bone in their backyard, but the image soon began to blur and fade from my sight as I saw past it into a field. This is a little awkward. Perhaps you could write ‘as I looked past it to a field.’ I shivered and realized that I was still just wearing my nightgown, and snow had begun to fall gently on me. I turned around to go back to my room, but all I saw was forest. Since I apparently couldn’t go back the way I came, I wandered across the clearing to what seemed to be a thick line of trees. It seems to me she’d be panicking by now…I paused for a moment as something caught my eye. I kneeled closer and brushed away the weeds and plants that conceiled the object, and I realized what it was. It should be ‘concealed’, not ‘conceiled’ I came there every night in my dreams, at first without the knowledge of my past visits, but then it all would come rushing back to me at once. Maybe it’s just me, but the ‘every night in my dreams’ reminds me too much of the song in Titanic. Is there another way to word that?The forest and clearing had absolutely no life to it anywhere […] In this place I always felt that something was watching me from the shadows, noting my every move, though I never heard or saw anything that would indicate such. These seem to clash with each other. There’s no life, and yet something is watching her?I would have a terrible fear in the pit of my stomach that it might catch me, that I might have to face it. I’m pretty sure you want a semi-colon, not a comma, after ‘catch me’So throughout the entire dream, I would run, dashing behind trees and taking quick turns, just trying to flee that of which I was blindly terrified. This seems kind of awkward…As usual, I felt that prick on my neck and ran for it like my life depended on it, which at that moment in time, I thought it may very well have. Those woods seemed never-ending for a while, especially since I could only see a couple of feet away from me in any direction, but I soon started to come upon dead ends, trapping me with whatever it was that I feared so much. Why not have it just ‘those woods seemed never-ending’? The ‘for a while’ doesn’t really seem to fit. She reached for my hand, but before she could touch me, I was suddenly being blinded. The bright sunlight shining through my curtains and the sounds of Mom making bacon in the next room seemed slightly distant at first, but once I realized that I was in my own bed, they were closer than I thought possible. That was a nice feeling. Great job showing that the dream was over. Awesome!
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Post by Angie on Jul 30, 2006 21:34:36 GMT -5
Well, most people around town know about her "condition", and I imagine she got the job because one of the people in charge knew about her and thought she might like/need it. And the second question is sort of answered in the next chapter. Hmm, are you sure the flow's still okay that way, though? Well, I rewrote that part to make the transition smoother. And she actually didn't look past it into a field; it's in her mind. So I'm not sure exactly how to word it. Well, for one thing I added quite a bit to the chapter before that paragraph, and for another, she's in a dream state, and you know how it is sometimes where you're just accepting everything as it is, even if you're having tea with a camel. *blinks* Lol, I can't believe I didn't catch that. Lol, it's been like almost a decade since I've seen the movie, so I guess I wouldn't catch that. How might you word it? Well, I was trying to give the impression of how cold and dead everything was, and how the place seemed like it could have been full of life (what with all the flowers and bushes and trees and stuff), but it had been sucked out. How should I word that? Really? Because I didn't mean for the second part to be an independant clause; I just meant for it to be a rewording to clarify or strengthen the point. Yeah, I know, but I couldn't figure out a better way to put it. Any suggestions? Hmm, yeah, I guess it would be better without the "for a while". Lol, thanks, it took like five rewrites just to get it decent the first time, not including the two revisions I've done to the chapter.
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