Helpie Please!

[Donald Duck]

I know someone else has already started a fight scene thread but i need help with mine too
This is part of it. Oh and Zee is a misreth wich is a creature that looks like a mix between a cat and a fox.

Magic was really the only way to kill a shadow and the death they give their victims was slow and painful. The worse thing was if they bit you their venom went to your heart and they could control you. But that had been a rumor.

The shadow leapt on Airikee before she could run throwing Zee off her and onto the rocky pavement of the street. Airikee was stuck under the shadow blood dripping from the back of her head because of the fall. She whispered for fire. She whispered for it to help her.

A red blaze erupted on her hands and she threw then against the shadow's chest. It yelped in pain and fell off of her. She bolted from the ground and grabbed Zee. The shadow bit her ankle hard making blood run between its teeth. She kicked its face but it bit down harder. Zee broke free from her grasp and lunged at the shadows face.

[Elonwe]

The #1 tip I would give you is to use short sentences with descriptive words. Don't use a lot of words to try to describe the scenery or people. Just be succinct.

[Donald Duck]

alright thanks

[Cy Skywalker]

"The shadow leapt on Airikee before she could run COMMA! throwing Zee off her ". "because of the fall" is kinda redundant. "She whispered for fire. She whispered for it to help her." Good. "A red blaze erupted on her hands and she threw then" I'm not sure what that's supposed to say, "threw them" which would be incorrect tense, or "threw then" which would be too long. "shadow bit her ankle hard COMMA! making blood run ". I wil presume that you described the shadow-creature earlier in the story? "lunged at the shadowCOMMA FOR POSESSIONs face."
I think this is actually pretty good, intense and realistic on the location description, though the above grammar problems are killing you and will plague not only this scene but all the story.

[Emily]

skywalker said:

lunged at the shadowCOMMA FOR POSESSIONs face."

Hey Cy? Nice help (I couldn't do better ever ;D) but don't you mean apostrophe?

*wails* I'm confusssssed!

[Cy Skywalker]

Yes I definatly do mean apostraphe. Thanks.

[Denithar]

*cough* D E F I N I T E L Y *uncough*

Ehem, you definitely don't mean apostraphe, but instead must be thinking of apostrophe.

[Angie]

I'm glad I'm not the only spelling/grammar freak around. It is very hard for me not to speak up in these situations. ;D

[Denithar]

I'll never be as great as Queengie though.

[Cy Skywalker]

Apparently I have been absolutely spelling/grammar freaked out...lol.

[Duskglimmer]

*hides because she knows she can't spell or talk in correct grammar*

[Cy Skywalker]

That was correct...you can come out now.

[durriedog]

Use more commas, and descriptive phrases + words.