Post by scarecrow on Sept 8, 2006 15:27:02 GMT -5
This is my entry for the Story Planning contest. It's a comedy about how this race of Black Demons from an Alterna-verse is waging a war against a life-size standup of Scarlett Johansen from a store where this obsequious guy Santiago Deras works. Santiago, totally bored with his life, is unaware that he is in the middle of the greatest war the demon city of Citpyrc has ever had, or he would be going insane knowing that the his life (or worse, his job!) is on the line.
It's supposed to be about 8 to 12 Chapters long. I've outlines 8 chapters already, and I wanna go for the full 12, but I'm a little stuck. Any suggestions and/or reviews would be great.
Title: The Female Standup and the Ouiblette of Black Demons
Premise: Santiago Deraz wishes that his job at a local mini-megastore was more exciting. Little does he know that the disappearance of the life-size standup of Scarlett Johansen outside the store has already lead him on a quest to defend the world (or at least Brody's Convenience Mini-Megamart) from a pack of pint-sized terrorizers.
Character Profile
Name: Santiago Deraz
Age: 14
Race: Mestizo
Gender: Male
Body Type: Very wiry
Other Important Physical Features: Greasy Hair, Freckles, Large Doleful Eyes
Important Background: From a very large and poor family. Santiago is the only person in his family to make it to high school.
General Personality: Sycophantic, worried, a dreamer.
Hobbies: None
Positive Traits: A very hard worker, Santiago is resourceful and smart, and always eager to please.
Negative Traits: A little too concerned with others opinion of him, Santiago will always bend over backwards to please others, even to his own detriment.
Chapter 1 - Santiago Deraz is so in trouble. His boss Brody is furious over the disappearance of the Scarlett Johansen standup that's gone missing in front of the store, and he's adamant about it being Santiago's fault, despite the fact that he was home on sick leave. Because of his inability to predict the theft, Santiago is given the punishment of taking down every item from every shelf in the store, and then (here's the tricky part) putting them back exactly as they were before. Santiago, only too glad that his boss didn't fire him for his lack of psychic abilities, is only too happy to do this. His family needs the money, and they are so proud of him for getting a job that pays more than his father's does (his dad cuts lawns). Santiago still wishes that he could have a job that he actually liked, or at least one that was somewhat interesting.
Chapter 2 - In a basement in Citpyrc, the Order of the Black Demons is going about business as usual: they are in the midst of their tri-annual sacrifice of the ugliest young in the village. The Black Demons, however, tired with their incessant attempts at copulation to create young to sacrifice, have been unable to produce any new offspring this year, so they have to settle for Ostaf, a bulky pre-teen demon with an acne problem, the obvious choice for the ugliest child. However, just before they can jab him to death with the ceremonial twigs, the most gargantuan, most hideous thing they've ever seen falls out of the sky (what later turns out to be a life-size standup of Scarlett Johansen). As they prepare to examine it, the ginormous structure goes back into the sky from whence it came, only this time taking Ostaf with it.
Chapter 3 - A very picky, very rich regular customer is outraged when her son finds a toy beside the standup outside the store, especially when the toy curses her son for putting it in his mouth and tells her that she reeks something awful. Brody apologizes to his customer, and again blames Santiago, who can't help but agree that if he had forseen that a toy would appear beside the newly returned Scarlett standup and that the little boy would try to eat it they wouldn't be in this mess. Santiago decides to keep the rude talkative toy to remind him to practice his clairvoyance or there will be consequences (like the fact that he now has to pay Brody for the privilege of babysitting his spoiled daughter for the weekend). Brody tells Santiago that he will be in charge of the store next week while he and his family take a tour on a cruise ship, and that if Santiago messes up anything while he's gone, he's fired.
Chapter 4 - The Order has assembled a small, magical task force to ascertain just who has committed the act of war of stealing a sacrifice. After much deliberation (most of which is just a ploy by the task force to convince The Order that more money will accelerate the process), the task force "discover" that the monster that stole Ostaf was a legendary creature from the lowliest edges of the Alterna-verse that needed to feast on demons to stay alive. The task force convince the Order that, due to the reports of the odd tufts of yellow strings from its head and its swollen mammary glands and its sickly white complexion, the creature is desperately weak, and they perhaps have a chance of recovering Ostaf from the belly of the beast before he is thoroughly digested. The task force is assigned with the further task of whipping up a magical way of getting to the creature (for lots more money, of course). The Order in the meantime goes about selecting the best of its soldiers to lead a scouting mission first, both to test the task force's spell and to determine just what would be best to destroy the wretched creature.
Chapter 5 - It's Sunday, and Santiago is returning home plumb tired from his babysitting (Jasmine insisted to ride him horseback-style all the while, complete with reigns and whip). After a congratulatory fawing-over for his work initiative by his mother (Santiago neglected to tell her that he's the one paying Brody for the privilege to babysit) and some jealous sniping by his father (Cecilio is envious of Santiago's "cushy" job), Santiago has some alone time in his room with the toy the kid was trying to eat. Ignoring the toy's flithy language and it's constant threats to kill Santiago and everyone he ever knew, Santiago is impressed at the detail of it, and tries prying at it's various orifices to find out where the batteries go. He remembers why he kept the toy in the first place, and says a silent prayer to God to give him the psychic talents Brody wants him to have so he can do his job even before it needs to be done. He especially needs it for this week's solo-stint at the mini-megamart. Again he wishes his job were less banal, and also asks God for something exciting to happen in his life.
Chapter 6 - Black Demon Ops, the new special division of the best soldiers created by the Order, is ready for their scouting mission. Well, perhaps second best soldiers would be more exact, as the original members of the Black Demon Ops were decapitated as soon as they put on the test transport amulets the task force created. However, with a little more elbow grease and a lot more funds, the task forces believes they've rectified their initial error. Black Demon Ops, outfitted for the battle ahead, all put on their amulets tentatively. The amulets work, and the troop finds themselves in a strange new world, and before them is their enemy, the ginormous beast, who they see really is sick, so sick that it doesn't even try to run from them as they approach it. But before they can do much more, they are assaulted by a constant barrage of fast moving creatures that make a thundering noise as they whizz by (cars), crushing them one by one. Only one injured soldier has the good sense to use the amulet to flee back to Citpyrc, and uses his dying breath to give the Order a report of the terror of what happened (and to tell his mother that she was lucky he'd never gotten the chance to kill her like he'd always wanted to).
Chapter 7 - Santiago's entire immediate family, to his infinite chagrin, passes by for a visit at work, where his mother embarrasses him with her constant fawning over him, so proud that he's running the store all by himself, and his father keeps pointing out malaciously that if he had Santiago's job he'd be working much harder (like cleaning that blackish debris in front of the Scarlett Johansen standup, for instance). Santiago's mom insists that he show the family just how exciting his job is, but the only thing Santiago can show is just how he sweeps up the aforementioned debris (which he notices seems a bit similar to the little toy he's keeping as a memento to be more psychic). His mother is mollified, but his brothers and his father keep teasing him about it. Not for the first or last time, he wishes his job was more exciting. And he seems to get his wish, because after he ushers his family out and goes to throw out the debris in the trash, he comes back to find Ostaf wailing about how the beast has gone to attack his people again, and while he has no idea what the little toy is talking about, he is devastated that the standup has gone missing again.
Chapter 8 - In Citpyrc, the Black Demons have come to the Central Ouiblette en masse to celebrate their favorite type of holiday: war. The Darkest Daemon, the ceremonial title given to the current leader of the Black Demons, has come out for the tradition of giving a rousing speech to send off the troops. It's particularly good this year, and the old crone is hitting all the right notes to make his people smile: merciless beating, unspeakable carnage, unrelenting torture, killing babies, and all the other things in this vein that his people like to hear. The troops then assemble, the largest attack force ever put together in the history of Citpyrc, and the elderly Darkest Daemon stands before them, pointing his feeble hand upward with a final cry of "To Victory!", the crowd erupting in a burst of applause and cheers. Then the beast descends upon them suddenly, killing the Darkest Daemon and some of the troops and bystanders, injuring hundreds more. It is a scene of despair and chaos as they scoop up the injured to use as ammunition for the catapults, and the remaining troops launch their frenzied, uncoordinated attacks with their clubs and fists, but all to no avail. Meanwhile, the fearful crowd is running rampant, killing the stragglers underfoot in their attempts not to be killed by the beast. After a few minutes of this, the beast retreats back into the sky unharmed, leaving behind the now massacred city of Citpyrc.
It's supposed to be about 8 to 12 Chapters long. I've outlines 8 chapters already, and I wanna go for the full 12, but I'm a little stuck. Any suggestions and/or reviews would be great.
Title: The Female Standup and the Ouiblette of Black Demons
Premise: Santiago Deraz wishes that his job at a local mini-megastore was more exciting. Little does he know that the disappearance of the life-size standup of Scarlett Johansen outside the store has already lead him on a quest to defend the world (or at least Brody's Convenience Mini-Megamart) from a pack of pint-sized terrorizers.
Character Profile
Name: Santiago Deraz
Age: 14
Race: Mestizo
Gender: Male
Body Type: Very wiry
Other Important Physical Features: Greasy Hair, Freckles, Large Doleful Eyes
Important Background: From a very large and poor family. Santiago is the only person in his family to make it to high school.
General Personality: Sycophantic, worried, a dreamer.
Hobbies: None
Positive Traits: A very hard worker, Santiago is resourceful and smart, and always eager to please.
Negative Traits: A little too concerned with others opinion of him, Santiago will always bend over backwards to please others, even to his own detriment.
Chapter 1 - Santiago Deraz is so in trouble. His boss Brody is furious over the disappearance of the Scarlett Johansen standup that's gone missing in front of the store, and he's adamant about it being Santiago's fault, despite the fact that he was home on sick leave. Because of his inability to predict the theft, Santiago is given the punishment of taking down every item from every shelf in the store, and then (here's the tricky part) putting them back exactly as they were before. Santiago, only too glad that his boss didn't fire him for his lack of psychic abilities, is only too happy to do this. His family needs the money, and they are so proud of him for getting a job that pays more than his father's does (his dad cuts lawns). Santiago still wishes that he could have a job that he actually liked, or at least one that was somewhat interesting.
Chapter 2 - In a basement in Citpyrc, the Order of the Black Demons is going about business as usual: they are in the midst of their tri-annual sacrifice of the ugliest young in the village. The Black Demons, however, tired with their incessant attempts at copulation to create young to sacrifice, have been unable to produce any new offspring this year, so they have to settle for Ostaf, a bulky pre-teen demon with an acne problem, the obvious choice for the ugliest child. However, just before they can jab him to death with the ceremonial twigs, the most gargantuan, most hideous thing they've ever seen falls out of the sky (what later turns out to be a life-size standup of Scarlett Johansen). As they prepare to examine it, the ginormous structure goes back into the sky from whence it came, only this time taking Ostaf with it.
Chapter 3 - A very picky, very rich regular customer is outraged when her son finds a toy beside the standup outside the store, especially when the toy curses her son for putting it in his mouth and tells her that she reeks something awful. Brody apologizes to his customer, and again blames Santiago, who can't help but agree that if he had forseen that a toy would appear beside the newly returned Scarlett standup and that the little boy would try to eat it they wouldn't be in this mess. Santiago decides to keep the rude talkative toy to remind him to practice his clairvoyance or there will be consequences (like the fact that he now has to pay Brody for the privilege of babysitting his spoiled daughter for the weekend). Brody tells Santiago that he will be in charge of the store next week while he and his family take a tour on a cruise ship, and that if Santiago messes up anything while he's gone, he's fired.
Chapter 4 - The Order has assembled a small, magical task force to ascertain just who has committed the act of war of stealing a sacrifice. After much deliberation (most of which is just a ploy by the task force to convince The Order that more money will accelerate the process), the task force "discover" that the monster that stole Ostaf was a legendary creature from the lowliest edges of the Alterna-verse that needed to feast on demons to stay alive. The task force convince the Order that, due to the reports of the odd tufts of yellow strings from its head and its swollen mammary glands and its sickly white complexion, the creature is desperately weak, and they perhaps have a chance of recovering Ostaf from the belly of the beast before he is thoroughly digested. The task force is assigned with the further task of whipping up a magical way of getting to the creature (for lots more money, of course). The Order in the meantime goes about selecting the best of its soldiers to lead a scouting mission first, both to test the task force's spell and to determine just what would be best to destroy the wretched creature.
Chapter 5 - It's Sunday, and Santiago is returning home plumb tired from his babysitting (Jasmine insisted to ride him horseback-style all the while, complete with reigns and whip). After a congratulatory fawing-over for his work initiative by his mother (Santiago neglected to tell her that he's the one paying Brody for the privilege to babysit) and some jealous sniping by his father (Cecilio is envious of Santiago's "cushy" job), Santiago has some alone time in his room with the toy the kid was trying to eat. Ignoring the toy's flithy language and it's constant threats to kill Santiago and everyone he ever knew, Santiago is impressed at the detail of it, and tries prying at it's various orifices to find out where the batteries go. He remembers why he kept the toy in the first place, and says a silent prayer to God to give him the psychic talents Brody wants him to have so he can do his job even before it needs to be done. He especially needs it for this week's solo-stint at the mini-megamart. Again he wishes his job were less banal, and also asks God for something exciting to happen in his life.
Chapter 6 - Black Demon Ops, the new special division of the best soldiers created by the Order, is ready for their scouting mission. Well, perhaps second best soldiers would be more exact, as the original members of the Black Demon Ops were decapitated as soon as they put on the test transport amulets the task force created. However, with a little more elbow grease and a lot more funds, the task forces believes they've rectified their initial error. Black Demon Ops, outfitted for the battle ahead, all put on their amulets tentatively. The amulets work, and the troop finds themselves in a strange new world, and before them is their enemy, the ginormous beast, who they see really is sick, so sick that it doesn't even try to run from them as they approach it. But before they can do much more, they are assaulted by a constant barrage of fast moving creatures that make a thundering noise as they whizz by (cars), crushing them one by one. Only one injured soldier has the good sense to use the amulet to flee back to Citpyrc, and uses his dying breath to give the Order a report of the terror of what happened (and to tell his mother that she was lucky he'd never gotten the chance to kill her like he'd always wanted to).
Chapter 7 - Santiago's entire immediate family, to his infinite chagrin, passes by for a visit at work, where his mother embarrasses him with her constant fawning over him, so proud that he's running the store all by himself, and his father keeps pointing out malaciously that if he had Santiago's job he'd be working much harder (like cleaning that blackish debris in front of the Scarlett Johansen standup, for instance). Santiago's mom insists that he show the family just how exciting his job is, but the only thing Santiago can show is just how he sweeps up the aforementioned debris (which he notices seems a bit similar to the little toy he's keeping as a memento to be more psychic). His mother is mollified, but his brothers and his father keep teasing him about it. Not for the first or last time, he wishes his job was more exciting. And he seems to get his wish, because after he ushers his family out and goes to throw out the debris in the trash, he comes back to find Ostaf wailing about how the beast has gone to attack his people again, and while he has no idea what the little toy is talking about, he is devastated that the standup has gone missing again.
Chapter 8 - In Citpyrc, the Black Demons have come to the Central Ouiblette en masse to celebrate their favorite type of holiday: war. The Darkest Daemon, the ceremonial title given to the current leader of the Black Demons, has come out for the tradition of giving a rousing speech to send off the troops. It's particularly good this year, and the old crone is hitting all the right notes to make his people smile: merciless beating, unspeakable carnage, unrelenting torture, killing babies, and all the other things in this vein that his people like to hear. The troops then assemble, the largest attack force ever put together in the history of Citpyrc, and the elderly Darkest Daemon stands before them, pointing his feeble hand upward with a final cry of "To Victory!", the crowd erupting in a burst of applause and cheers. Then the beast descends upon them suddenly, killing the Darkest Daemon and some of the troops and bystanders, injuring hundreds more. It is a scene of despair and chaos as they scoop up the injured to use as ammunition for the catapults, and the remaining troops launch their frenzied, uncoordinated attacks with their clubs and fists, but all to no avail. Meanwhile, the fearful crowd is running rampant, killing the stragglers underfoot in their attempts not to be killed by the beast. After a few minutes of this, the beast retreats back into the sky unharmed, leaving behind the now massacred city of Citpyrc.