Givanna Helson

[Brokenhearts]

Giovanna Helson

There are many things she hated. She hated life, she hated death, she hated it when things were the same, she hated good, she hated evil. But the things she hated the most in all the worlds she had been to, and all the worlds she was yet to visit- was God and Satan.
Two different sides of the same power.
Most thought of God and Satan being polar oppsites- when in fact, they were just the same. Two brothers. Both with different intentions for the world- but the same non-theless.
And both were using her for their own uses. For that- she hated them both.
The last thing she hated was her mentor. She loved and loathed him with eaqual amount of passion.
Loathed him for setting up the circumstances for which she got invovled with this super-natural, on going war. Training her without her knowledge. Lying to her. Keeping her family from her. Keeping friends from her.
She loved him for his love for her. For him looking after her. His care. His devotion. His understanding. His protection.
And yet he still left her.
Left her alone to that war. Alone and in the hands of the two greatest powers in that universe to molest and hurt her innocence.
The hate within her grew.

It was a warm summers day in regents park. Giovanna Helson sat under a tree, reading her newest book. A religious thriller. A tale of a murderer who appeared to be using different religious methods of sacrifce on humans. From all the madness of this modern world… she was somehow not surprised that it was infact based on a true case.
She tore her eyes away from the description of horror that the investigator was going through when he was shown the body. She didn’t for a moment believe that they would feel like that. All humans were amazed by such gore, blood, cult practises and the like. It was the curiosity within them all. The want for understanding. She didn’t by any means blame them… she just wished they would not try to hide it as they had done.
Her emerald green eyes serveyed the scene in front of her. Children playing ball games with their friends and family. Little babies gurgling in the sun light. Mothers and fathers talking an gossiping. Teenagers just hanging out in the sun shine. Getting a tan, or keeping to the shade as she was.
Their normal lives. A life that she could never have. One that she would never want to have.
She pushed her black red hair away from her slim, heart shaped face. Her skin had been origionally very pale, with the odd light dusting of freakles during the summer months. As she hit puberty, her skin started to be able to tan, just lightly. Her nose and cheeks bones lightly spotted with freakles. Only serving to high light her amazingy green eyes further. She had long, slender limbs, like a ballet dancer. Her fingers were dilicate and artistic, though her nails were cut severly short.
She was a very beautiful eightteen year old woman. But her body was by no means perfect. She waslked with a slight limp in her left leg. A break that had never been healed properly. Small scars littered her shapely body and graceful limbs. When she wore a bikini you could see clearly a scar starting from her right hip, winding up her body, across her toned stomach, just missing her left best and ending at her left shoulder.
How ever, her trade mark scar was the star where her pulse was at her neck. When she should have died when she was fourteen.
Her short black nails racked her hair slightly as her eyes wandered towards the sky. There was just a few clouds floating across the perfect back drop of brilliant blue.
God seemed to be in a good mood with England that day. Though she didn’t understand why.
She glanced back at her book, very tempted to read it again- though it’s emotional descriptions were not very accurate. It made humans appear much less suspecitable to the evil side of their lives.
She felt a small breeze brush against the bare skin of her arms, neck and face. She sat up, her black red hair ruffled by the wind like a fathers fingers.

[scarecrow]

Again, I'll ignore your spelling errors because of your dyslexia, but I'll say, again, that they are a major distraction, and you should get someone to help you sort things out before posting your work because they are often a distraction, and detract from enjoying your work wholeheartedly.

Grammar/Personal Qualms:
".... molest and hurt her innocence." - This is a weird expression, in my opinion. Just my opinion, feel free to ignore.

"Little babies gurgling in the sun light." - Also very weird imagery here. Again, just a personal opinion better off ignored.

"How ever, her trade mark scar was the star where her pulse was at her neck. When she should have died when she was fourteen." - The bold part is just dangling there. I'd take off that period from the first sentence and add a "from" there or something.
e.g. "However, her trademark scar was the star where her pulse was at her neck, from when she should have died when she was fourteen." Not sure that's quite correct, but you get the idea.

Overall Impression:

Remember that I am just one person, and this is just a personal impression, and you should consult other, smarter people than I before making any changes based on my recommendations.

I am disappointed that this is just a snippet. This is by far one of the most intriguing works of yours that I've ever read. It dangled the promise of a sort of religious/supernatural story in front of me (the sort of thing that I'm really into), but as it's just a snippet, it never really got the chance to delve into the juicy, most likely controversial plot. I confess I had already read the first sentences of this already, and I grew disinterested quite quickly. Shame on me, I soon found out, because my mind snapped to attention when I read it again, when you mentioned that the thing this girl "... hated most in all the worlds she had been to, and all the worlds she was yet to visit - was God and Satan." From there, you had all of my focus, and I drank the rest in like a stray dog.

I've also noticed when reading your works that you show, for the most part, a keen ability for descriptions. You've gone on about how Giovanna looks so well that I bet I could pick her out of a line-up, and there are a few choices similies there that make me smile, and take my breath away. e.g. "... her red hair ruffled by the wind like a father's fingers."

Giovanna is sort of a little mopey for my tastes. She's got that whole "bitter-because-I've-been-marked-by-a-destiny-that's-bigger-than-me" cliche vibe about her that doesn't mesh well with me, but even though she's a bit on the gloom and doom side it's not overdone, not too angsty.

Overall, I'd say this is some of the best work I've read of yours to date. It was very readable, completely gripping and I'm sure would have been endlessly controversial and edgy had you decided to follow through with it. A wonderful read.

[Brokenhearts]

i'm gttin some help on the grammer spellin front pretty soon i hope. bt ye i see wat u mean. it's jst somethin tht i 4gt.

thanks 4 the review ;D and i'm considerin re-startin it… bt because it's twined with another author's story (ash's actually), it mite nt work so well. but it's still on the cards 4 me 2 start up again. thankies tho ;D

[Brokenhearts]

didnt like it… so i edited it a lil bit anyway- here tis with a lil more

As her eyes scanned the area about her, she noticed that not one leaf on the trees around her had been put out of place. As the emerald fire of those eyes glanced up to the tree over her head, she could see that that too was perfectly still. And yet she could still feel the warmth of the breeze on her skin.
She allowed herself a heavy sigh. It could only mean one thing.
“Ok, Luke,” she murmured, barely moving her mobile face, “what does he want this time?”
She heard soft chuckling close by, and an incredibly heat materialised beside her.
In a quick simple movement, she flipped open her book and held it up so it covered her face, and no one would think her crazy for talking to, as it would appear, nothing.
Her eyes slid over the words of the book, not taking them into any consideration- they sought the appearance of this demon rather than anything else.
He couldn’t have been over twenty four from his appearance. Lithe slim body, perfect for a gymnast. Yet he had small hands and feet. His blonde hair was long, down to his shoulders and well kept. Well washed, and styled. His small, short fingered hands kept running through those long, silken, golden locks of his- almost as though he were making sure they were still there.
His originally round face was gaunt and thin, making his cheek bones stand out- when they should not have been seen. With such a gaunt face his wide mouth looked wider and his lips fuller, and his small, aristocratic nose look much larger. His sparkling, clear blue eyes stood off his face and seemed to gaze right through you. Seemed to see all the good and bad that you had done in your life. All the good and bad that you were to do.
He was dressed in a loose button up shirt, like those in the time of the Elizabethan period, and his loose trousers, were a stiff materiel, almost like jeans, yet the moved to much in the breeze he was creating for them to be jeans.
Though he looked incredibly human, there were some aspects of his appearance that were instant signs that he was much much more. The pupils of his eyes were red, and yet he looked out on the world clearly. His skin was clearly tanned, and yet there was a paleness beneath. His skin was fiery hot, even sitting at a slight distance from him, Giovanna could feel his body heat.
As she studied him closely, still refusing to say anything, she could see his locks lifting and playing with the wind, as though both with and hair were in a dance together. His outlines were slightly fuzzy and not very clear- almost as though he was not quite there.
He was there- very much so was he there. The blurriness of his outline simply ment that he was invisible to every other human on Earth but her.
Yet at the same time, he was clearly from another world entirely. The sun did not light him up, or make his golden hair sparkle as it should. There was almost a dark shadow over him that should not have been there. As though his body was reacting to a climate and weather change of another place.
“Are you gonna quit staring at me yet?” he asked, his voice deep, soft and familiar. His words had a prince’s air of importance about them, and an actor’s flamboyancy.
“Not yet,” she replied, “not until you tell me what I’m wanted for.”
Luke was only ever sent to earth when Lucifer wanted her for a job.
The male demon pouted, and finally cast his impossibly blue eyes to her. “Only ever work you’re about,” he moaned in complaint, “always business never fun.”
“I was having fun,” she pointed out, “this novel is very interesting.”
Luke scowled at the cover. “It’s full of lies,” he hissed.
She shrugged. “It’s fiction- based on truth.”
His entire body shook with his shivers even as she spoke. His intense glare became more and more. “It’s all wrong… it’s all lies.”
As all demons and angels were- when they could sense lies, they could not stand them. It made them feel ridiculously uneasy.
This too showed how similar these two powers of so-called good and evil were, when the underlings of both had exactly the same reaction to lies. The only difference lay between how demons and angels dealt with the lies. A demons instinct, and job, was to punish the lying fool- whereas the angel would try and guide them to do what was right, whilst learning from their mistakes along the way.
Giovanna didn’t see the point of either. Humans simply made the same mistake over and over again.
“Luke?” she muttered, “forget the lies- he simply wrote them for another being’s entertainment. It’s a white lie. So forget it- what’s my job this time?”
Drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs, he looked at her side ways. Before she would have shivered and asked him not to look at her like that. After working for them for four years, she was used to his looks. It almost gave her strength rather than arrested her with surprise.
“I don’t know,” he told her, shrugged his shoulders, sighing deeply, “my master of the oh-so-fiery depths is the one that wants you.”
A slight chuckle escaped Giovanna’s lips. For as long as she had known Luke, he would always imply and insult towards his lord and master, and yet he was never punished for it. She supposed he was one of Satan’s favourites, so could therefore get away with alot.

[scarecrow]

Grammar Errors/Personal Qualms:

"With such a gaunt face his wide mouth looked wider and his lips fuller, and his small, aristocratic nose look much larger." Should be looked, I believe.

Overall Impression:

Remember that this is all just my personal opinion, and you should consult other, smarter people before making any changes based on my recommendations.

I am so glad you've taken my advice about getting someone to look it over for you. It really makes all the difference. Thank you.

I think you spent just a little too much time describing Luke in this chapter. Granted, it was a very apt description, as your descriptions always are, but I would have preferred a shorter description of this demon and more interaction between him and Givanna and a tiny bit more plotwise than this concise if wordy chapter dedicated to describing Luke and his blonde hair. Remember, a lot of stuff can be gleaned from the things a character does and says, and you don't have to spoonfeed the reader everything (and even if you did, not all at once).

Overall, I'm still taken with this story. The lingering promise of deglamourizing the enigmatic God and Satan is very edgy, and the plot is moving a bit on the slow side, but moving nonetheless, and wherever it is moving to, I can bet it's somewhere good. And now that you've found someone to make some edits for you, those pesky spelling/grammar distractions are all but gone, and now I can focus more on the content itself. Great job. Keep on.

Overall, I