Post by msgolds on Nov 19, 2008 10:55:14 GMT -5
Hey Everyone! I am currently working on a short story, and I figured I would post the introduction. I have decided to take a minimalist / stream-of-consciousness approach to it in the tradition of authors like Chuck Palahniuk. I would like honest critiques on both style and story-line, as well as any other criticisms you can deliver.
Quality Control
December 10
Dear Journal,
Doc Smith took me outside today. It was snowing. I had never seen real snow before, and I thought it was beautiful. When I was in early post-production, the Docs used to read me books with pictures of little alpha and beta units playing in the snow. I couldn’t, though. The Doc had only been taking me outside since the summer. It was my reward for being a good Defect. Other Defects are bad, but I do everything the Company tells me. I am good, so I get more than I deserve. The Docs are so good to us even though we are broken. Doc Smith is my favorite.
The Doc asked me what I thought of the snow and I told him it was pretty. He laughed and agreed with me. He asked me why I thought snow was pretty. Doc Smith is the only unit who ever asks me what I think about things. I told him I thought it was pretty because everything was white far as the eye could see. Doc Smith laughed again. He told me that the white was made out of thousands and thousands of tiny snowflakes. Each one of those snowflakes is different, he told me. Doc Smith is very smart.
I told him that I couldn’t tell. All the snowflakes looked the same to me. Doc Smith smiled at me. He told me that I was exactly right. All the snowflakes are different, but the differences are so small that hardly anybody can tell. He told me to imagine the snow if there were little black snowflakes mixed in with the white ones. If some snowflakes were cold and some of them were hot. Would the snow still be pretty? Would the snow still be fun? I thought about it for a second and decided that the Doc was right. I liked the snow the way it was. Doc Smith always makes me understand.
The Doc told me that is how things used to be. Units used to be made of all different shapes, sizes, and colors. He said that they used to speak to each other using different words. Doc Smith said that units used to try and break each other because they were different. He said they used to not understand each other. Doc Smith says that back then, they did not even have standards. Any unit ever produced would go onto the market, and there was chaos. The Doc says things are much better now. Our standards are much higher. Doc says that I did not meet those standards, but I am a good Defect. He patted me on the head. Doc Smith is a very nice unit.
Happily,
Defect K-21
December 15
Dear Journal,
I had to tell on Defect K-14 at work today. K-14 is a very bad Defect. He wanted us to sign off on our project without doing our jobs. We were supposed to check each shampoo bottle that came off the line and make sure there was a whole liter inside it. It is a very important job. If a customer gets a shampoo bottle with half a liter, then the Company will get in trouble, and the Company has been so good to us. We are Defects and the Docs are nice to us, so we need to make sure that they don’t have defects. It is only fair.
K-14 said that he was bored. He said that we were wasting our time. I told him that he was wrong. We are serving the people who have given us more than we deserved. They could have just thrown us away, but they didn’t. They have decided to keep us, to make sure that everything that goes onto the market meets the standards. Standards are very important; there would be chaos without them. K-14 told me that standards could go suck a nut. I don’t know what that means, but it did not sound like something a good Defect was supposed to say. He said that maybe chaos was a good thing. That was a very bad thing to say, and I had to tell on him. Doc Smith took him away for reeducation. He told me that I did both K-14 and the Company a very valuable favor. I smiled. Chaos is a very bad thing, and I like to make sure that it doesn’t happen.
Sincerely,
Defect K-21
Quality Control
December 10
Dear Journal,
Doc Smith took me outside today. It was snowing. I had never seen real snow before, and I thought it was beautiful. When I was in early post-production, the Docs used to read me books with pictures of little alpha and beta units playing in the snow. I couldn’t, though. The Doc had only been taking me outside since the summer. It was my reward for being a good Defect. Other Defects are bad, but I do everything the Company tells me. I am good, so I get more than I deserve. The Docs are so good to us even though we are broken. Doc Smith is my favorite.
The Doc asked me what I thought of the snow and I told him it was pretty. He laughed and agreed with me. He asked me why I thought snow was pretty. Doc Smith is the only unit who ever asks me what I think about things. I told him I thought it was pretty because everything was white far as the eye could see. Doc Smith laughed again. He told me that the white was made out of thousands and thousands of tiny snowflakes. Each one of those snowflakes is different, he told me. Doc Smith is very smart.
I told him that I couldn’t tell. All the snowflakes looked the same to me. Doc Smith smiled at me. He told me that I was exactly right. All the snowflakes are different, but the differences are so small that hardly anybody can tell. He told me to imagine the snow if there were little black snowflakes mixed in with the white ones. If some snowflakes were cold and some of them were hot. Would the snow still be pretty? Would the snow still be fun? I thought about it for a second and decided that the Doc was right. I liked the snow the way it was. Doc Smith always makes me understand.
The Doc told me that is how things used to be. Units used to be made of all different shapes, sizes, and colors. He said that they used to speak to each other using different words. Doc Smith said that units used to try and break each other because they were different. He said they used to not understand each other. Doc Smith says that back then, they did not even have standards. Any unit ever produced would go onto the market, and there was chaos. The Doc says things are much better now. Our standards are much higher. Doc says that I did not meet those standards, but I am a good Defect. He patted me on the head. Doc Smith is a very nice unit.
Happily,
Defect K-21
December 15
Dear Journal,
I had to tell on Defect K-14 at work today. K-14 is a very bad Defect. He wanted us to sign off on our project without doing our jobs. We were supposed to check each shampoo bottle that came off the line and make sure there was a whole liter inside it. It is a very important job. If a customer gets a shampoo bottle with half a liter, then the Company will get in trouble, and the Company has been so good to us. We are Defects and the Docs are nice to us, so we need to make sure that they don’t have defects. It is only fair.
K-14 said that he was bored. He said that we were wasting our time. I told him that he was wrong. We are serving the people who have given us more than we deserved. They could have just thrown us away, but they didn’t. They have decided to keep us, to make sure that everything that goes onto the market meets the standards. Standards are very important; there would be chaos without them. K-14 told me that standards could go suck a nut. I don’t know what that means, but it did not sound like something a good Defect was supposed to say. He said that maybe chaos was a good thing. That was a very bad thing to say, and I had to tell on him. Doc Smith took him away for reeducation. He told me that I did both K-14 and the Company a very valuable favor. I smiled. Chaos is a very bad thing, and I like to make sure that it doesn’t happen.
Sincerely,
Defect K-21