Post by johnsapphire on Nov 15, 2006 23:20:41 GMT -5
My goal in this play was to borrow as many pieces of humor from well-known Victorian writers as I could fit. At my last count I borrowed twelve times. Your object is to find every borrowing. Some are more obvious than others.
Bartholomew Barnes, Ph.D.
Montgomery Harrison, Elderly Manservant
Nicholas Noble, Heir to the Duchy of Cornwall
Miss Eliza Pleasantry
Lady Gwendletrude Stockton, her mother
The Time
Midmorning; the Late Victorian
The Place
The Pedantry Room of Dr. Barnes’s Flat
SCENE – Dr. Barnes is sitting on the sofa reading the paper. A clock chimes eleven. He looks up, then rings a bell. Enter Harrison.
HAR
How might I help you, Dr. Barnes?
BAR
Harrison, do you see Mr. Noble on the road? He said at dinner with Lord Windsford and me that he would arrive at eleven.
Harrison crosses next to a wing. He looks out as if it was a window.
HAR
I see nobody, sir.
BAR
How I wish I had your eyes! To see nobody! And at such a distance! It’s all I can do to see real people, at this age!
HAR
But wait, sir, someone is coming. He is wearing a smoking jacket— And is carrying an umbrella for fear it should rain—
BAR
Ah, that is Nicholas Noble, then.
HAR
He’s ascending the steps--here he comes now--
Enter Mr. Noble.
BAR
Good day, Nicholas.
NOB
Barty! How nice to see you.
BAR
Did you pass anyone on the road?
NOB
I passed nobody.
BAR
Indeed, Monty saw him too. Nobody walks slower than you.
NOB
Well, I should think that nobody is a good deal quicker than I, either.
BAR
Poppycock! He would have been here before you.
(to HARRISON)
Thank you, Harrison.
HAR
Thank you, sir.
Exit Harrison.
BAR
Nicholas, at what velocitary magnitude were you walking?
NOB
I believe it was somewhere between an amble and a saunter.
BAR
Now, when you say amble, do you mean a slow walk or a relaxed walk?
NOB
I mean the latter, of course.
BAR
And a saunter?
NOB
By saunter, I refer to a fashion of perambulation that is a stroll in style, but has many chief characteristics attributed to a mosey.
BAR
And what might those be?
NOB
Leisurely and unhurried.
BAR
I see. Oh, and by the way, I thought I might tell you that I am chuffed that you are here. Lady Stockton is arriving shortly, and she will want to speak to you about the evening’s ball, what with your father.
NOB
My father?
BAR
My dear friend, it is not at all unnatural to wish to associate one’s self with those that have political influence. Look what the radicals are attempting. They aren’t succeeding, of course, but I should say that Lady Stockton has significant advantage in the Duke of Cornwall’s matters, considering his son is madly in love with her daughter.
NOB
How do you know with whom I am madly in love?
BAR
(chuckling)
I didn’t, until now. I suppose there isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t find her attractive. Lady Stockton isn’t stupid, though I often wonder how such a thing as her could produce Miss Eliza. Not many people take the trouble to travel for an hour and a half every week to have a philosophy lesson with me.
NOB
Is it not unseemly to fancy one’s pupil?
BAR
Whatever would give you that impression?
NOB
You said ‘there isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t find her attractive,’ you aren’t not alive so it follows that you wouldn’t not find her attractive.
BAR
I should say your father’s money on propositional calculus isn’t being wasted.
NOB
Indeed not, Dr. Barnes.
BAR
(suspiciously)
You haven’t called me ‘Dr. Barnes’ in several years; why are you buttering me up?
NOB
Buttering you up? What could you possibly mean?
BAR
Why are you flattering me, endearing me, executing an obsequious manner—
NOB
I deny all charges.
BAR
No you don’t. You wish for me to permit you to remain alone with Eliza. And I won’t allow it. I will not allow my first cousin to marry you, not when there is the matter of Beatrice to clear up. As I said, I won’t allow it.
Enter Harrison, unnoticed.
NOB
You won’t?
BAR
I won’t.
HAR
He won’t.
Both give quite a start.
Lady Stockton and Miss Pleasantry, sir.
Enter Stockton and Pleasantry.
STO
Barty, how are you? You gave me quite a start when you missed my banquet. Lord Stockton was terminally depressed for a week following.
BAR
Really? I am very sorry, Aunt Gwendletrude.
STO
That’s quite all right, Dr. Barnes. I have taken to impugning the society and the lower orders for our ills.
NOB
Do not speak ill of society. Only people who can't get in do that.
STO
(chuckling)
Mr. Noble! I hadn’t realized you were here. That changes everything. Come, I had hoped to discuss tonight’s ball with you.
NOB
Absolutely, Lady Stockton.
STO
Barty, I do not wish to hamper your lesson. Mr. Noble, come!
Exeunt Stockton and Noble.
BAR
Miss Pleasantry, as you recall, we left our lesson last week at the Sophists.
PLE
(sighing)
It is such a relief to be rid of my mother, I can’t express it.
BAR
While my great-aunt may be a tad formal at times, she did a superb job at raising you.
PLE
(shocked, giggling)
Dr. Barnes, please!
BAR
You will recall, the Sophist ideology was that there was no absolute truth, that all truths were relative, and depended on circumstances. Because they could not explain any thing, they taught…?
PLE
The taught that the use of reason toward everyday problems would improve society, and they exercised the use of rhetoric.
BAR
Very good. Today we shall finish the unit by discussing the three great Greek philosophers—
PLE
Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle.
BAR
Exactly. Socrates often experienced an inner voice that drove him to discover the truly good in life, and to teach that to others. Most notably, he developed what is now known as the Socratic method of teaching: a means of arriving at truth by continually questioning, obtaining answers, and criticizing the answers. To quote him, “Though the truth might be hard, or indeed impossible to find, the true philosopher must never stop looking for it.”
PLE
So he was the first Greek philosopher?
BAR
Indeed. Now, wandering the streets of Athens, Socrates met many people, and one of those people was his student Plato. Now Plato may be considered a— Well he was thought of as— Oh, dash it all. There is a word I’m looking for. Ah, he was— Forget it.
(gesturing appropriately)
To the library!
Exeunt Barnes, with Pleasantry trailing hopefully behind. Enter Stockton and Noble.
STO
Mr. Noble, I agree with you. There must be a wedding soon; our aristocratic life is becoming immeasurably dull, and while dull people are brilliant at breakfast, and upon that market they have a monopoly, it is their only use.
NOB
Quite right, Lady Stockton.
STO
I feel there is something you are withholding.
NOB
Well, it is only a thought, but your daughter is of age, and—
STO
I am well aware of my daughter’s beauty and intellect. And I admit that men can resist all but temptation, however I thought you had a greater control of your passions.
NOB
I—
STO
Still, that is not the subject of our discussion. I do not expect it will be at all difficult to find a suitable match for the wedding, for any marriage is suitable as long as the man has no passion whatsoever for the woman. However, there is only six and half hours until the ball begins, that is not an extraordinarily large amount of time considering the paperwork, and I am sure the priest will prove difficult, as it’s Sunday. On a different note, is your father attending?
NOB
Oh yes. He made a point of it at breakfast.
STO
Good. I was hoping he would attend. I thought if I planned the ball well enough, he would finance the next one, but that is neither here nor there.
NOB
Be that as it may, I’m certainly glad you alerted me as to your end.
STO
Did I? Oh, I suppose so. Is your father in the practice of financing things?
NOB
That depends entirely.
STO
Upon what?
NOB
Upon what ‘things’ refers to.
STO
Even if I didn’t specify, you can safely assume ‘things’ refers to inanimate objects, unnamed or unspecified objects, objectives of actions, an act, deed, or general matters or circumstances.
NOB
That lacks specificity as our queen lacks beauty—greatly, and in its facial regions.
STO
Nevertheless, I was referring to whether he finances balls, feasts, gatherings, parties, and the like.
NOB
Why didn’t you say so?
STO
I did say so.
NOB
That’s not the point.
STO
Of course it’s the point, you based a question upon entirely fictitious information.
NOB
You’re changing the subject, Lady Stockton.
STO
I am not; I’m pointing out your discrepancies; it’s one of the many things women rather advanced in years have a knack for.
NOB
I won’t argue that you fit the criteria.
STO
Arguing is an entirely tasteless and occasionally persuasive practice.
Enter Barnes and Pleasantry.
Barty! How nice to see you. Your words will undoubtedly break the monotony I find I am subjected to when I converse with Mr. Noble.
BAR
Indeed, Aunt Gwendletrude.
STO
Speaking of which, Barty, I wish to speak to you about finances.
BAR
Absolutely, dear Aunt Gwendletrude.
Exeunt Barnes and Stockton.
NOB
Dear Miss Pleasantry, I won’t mince words with you. From the moment I saw you at the dinner party a fortnight ago, I realized you were the woman to whom I was meant to be wed. Every time you caress my thoughts, my heart palpitates—
PLE
Mr. Noble, I would appreciate it if you did mince words, and preferably poetic ones.
NOB
Oh. Righto, then.
(poetically)
Dearest Eliza, your visage is the divine in both beauty and character. You appellation is the aphrodisiac I undergo every time it wends its way into my mind.
PLE
That’s an improvement.
(poetically)
And vice-versa.
NOB
Spiffing! When shall we be married?
PLE
I should think we not be married.
NOB
Why ever not?
PLE
Well, as my mother says, any marriage is suitable as long as the man has no passion whatsoever for the woman. I am afraid you have passions for me—
NOB
—And vice versa—
PLE
—So there is no hope whatsoever of my mother consenting to such an arrangement. She believes that marriage is strictly a formality and should not be the least bit involved with one’s passions, desires, tastes, or love; indeed, she hasn’t even seen Lord Stockton for over a year now.
NOB
How terminally depressing.
PLE
Indeed, but there is one hope for us, yet.
NOB
Really?
PLE
Yes, I wouldn’t have brought it up if there weren’t.
NOB
I wouldn’t put it past you.
PLE
I would. In any case, if we can convince Lady Stockton that the marriage is a wise choice socially or economically, then I believe we should be able to gain her consent.
NOB
That shouldn’t be difficult.
PLE
I beg to differ, Mr. Noble—
NOB
Don’t beg. It’s very rude to beg, not to mention unsightly. And I believe Parliament recently introduced a fine for begging publicly, and I should hope that my fiancé respects the will of the country—
PLE
Regardless, Lady Stockton only holds one person in high enough intellectual esteem to trust with my wedding plans: Dr. Barnes.
NOB
Dr. Barnes? Why, I believe he fancies you himself!
PLE
(poetically; distraught)
Horror! O horror! What apocalyptic fiend has revealed itself on high!
Enter Stockton, with Barnes trailing behind, unnoticed.
What evil and pandemonium presented in a single awful though convenient package will he proceed to perpetrate? I cannot answer for others but as for myself I am distraught!
NOB
And vice versa.
STO
Eliza! Mr. Noble!
They jump.
What on earth are you doing?
NOB
(quickly)
It was merely pleasantry, Lady Stockton.
STO
I think not. Out with it, Eliza.
PLE
I was monologizing, mother, and it is rather rude to interrupt a monologue.
STO
Nonsense. Lady Cheshire does it every third word.
NOB
Three words don’t generally constitute a monologue, Lady—
STO
Contradicting women advanced in their years is the worst breech of social contract since the French invaded during teatime.
NOB
But teatime is always tomorrow or yesterday, it’s never—
STO
Cease your contradictions, Mr. Noble, lest I make another analogy lacking in aptness!
BAR
Lady Stockton, an idea just occurred to me, concerning the ball tonight. Given the circumstances, I would be willing to wed your daughter.
STO
Have you any passions for her?
BAR
None that would breach social contract or interrupt teatime.
STO
And do you believe that this is a wise decision?
BAR
I—
STO
I ask only because you are the only one I hold in high enough intellectual esteem to confer with in matters concerning my daughter’s marital life, since marriage must only be considered intellectually. Emotions interfere with one’s consideration of social contract, formality, and teatime.
BAR
Yes, Lady Stockton. I think it would be a wise choice.
NOB
I don’t mean to intrude, but I did in fact proclaim my love for your daughter before Dr. Barnes.
STO
Don’t proclaim things. It is unseemly, tiresome, and should only be attempted by town criers, and then only to announce the time.
NOB
I would like to amend my statement.
STO
Well, all right, but do it quickly. Amending things takes considerably too much time. And it can never be done intellectually. It must always be put to a vote.
NOB
I don’t mean to intrude, but I did in fact assert my passions for you daughter before Dr. Barnes.
STO
You are ruining your case, Mr. Noble. Passions are far too powerful and all-consuming to be associated with marriage. In any case, I must admit I am far more partial to Dr. Barnes’s intellect than your father’s influence.
NOB
My dear Lady Stockton,
(aside)
This means war!
STO
I beg your pardon, Mr. Noble, I didn’t quite catch that last bit.
NOB
Don’t beg, Lady Stockton, it isn’t polite to beg.
STO
Enough! Eliza, come! We are leaving.
Enter Harrison, pushing a cart piled with platters.
HAR
It is teatime.
STO
Excellent! Tea is a wonderful revitalizer, and it raises morale more extravagantly than Tchaikovsky does his baton.
HAR
How is Lord Stockton?
STO
Oh, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen him for over a year now, since we’re married. Marriage is an expression of class, not love, you know.
HAR
Indeed. I—
STO
If people were to marry whom they loved, society would be filled with radicals and the economy entirely ruined.
HAR
I think I have a bit of somewhat alarming news for you, Lady Stockton.
STO
Really? Generally, gossip must wait for teatime to finish, or preempt it beforehand, but I think I shall make an exception.
HAR
Dr. Barnes and Lord Stockton were switched at birth, Lady Stockton.
STO
Oh my! I feel faint!
BAR
You do?
(aside)
Imagine how I must feel.
STO
Of course I don’t. But at receiving alarming news, one must always feel faint.
NOB
So I believe since neither you nor Dr. Barnes has passions for the other, you are perfect for marriage!
STO
I suppose.
BAR
I don’t know about you, Lady Stockton, but I feel somewhat ill at ease sharing a bed with my former great-aunt.
STO
Don’t be silly, Dr. Barnes. Since we’re to be married, I shall perhaps see you at social occasions. But we shan’t share a house, and certainly not a bed.
NOB
But the ball, Lady Stockton, there must be a wedding.
BAR
Isn’t there to be one between Lady Stockton and myself?
STO
Yes, why wouldn’t there be?
NOB
Of course not. You’ve been married for several decades already. There is no need to revitalize the wedding. The ring, perhaps, but not the wedding.
STO
I—I suppose your logic is correct so you and—
(with difficulty)
Miss Pleasantry will be married posthaste.
NOB
Spiffing!
PLE
Corking!
NOB, PLE
Sporking!
STO
Come, everyone. We must prepare for the ball!
BAR
But what about tea?
STO
Teatime is yesterday and tomorrow, but never today. You know that.
Exeunt all but Harrison.
HAR
At last! I am free of horrible Lady Stockton! Every moment we were married I was repulsed by her splendour, or lack thereof. My plan has succeeded! Dr. Barnes and Mr. Noble are both happy, and my work as a butler is done. Someone should write a book about this. Several books, in fact. Or, rather, I think an entire bookshop would do splendidly. Barnes and Noble. And Montgomery Harrison's.
Dramatis Personae
[/center]Bartholomew Barnes, Ph.D.
Montgomery Harrison, Elderly Manservant
Nicholas Noble, Heir to the Duchy of Cornwall
Miss Eliza Pleasantry
Lady Gwendletrude Stockton, her mother
The Time
Midmorning; the Late Victorian
The Place
The Pedantry Room of Dr. Barnes’s Flat
SCENE – Dr. Barnes is sitting on the sofa reading the paper. A clock chimes eleven. He looks up, then rings a bell. Enter Harrison.
HAR
How might I help you, Dr. Barnes?
BAR
Harrison, do you see Mr. Noble on the road? He said at dinner with Lord Windsford and me that he would arrive at eleven.
Harrison crosses next to a wing. He looks out as if it was a window.
HAR
I see nobody, sir.
BAR
How I wish I had your eyes! To see nobody! And at such a distance! It’s all I can do to see real people, at this age!
HAR
But wait, sir, someone is coming. He is wearing a smoking jacket— And is carrying an umbrella for fear it should rain—
BAR
Ah, that is Nicholas Noble, then.
HAR
He’s ascending the steps--here he comes now--
Enter Mr. Noble.
BAR
Good day, Nicholas.
NOB
Barty! How nice to see you.
BAR
Did you pass anyone on the road?
NOB
I passed nobody.
BAR
Indeed, Monty saw him too. Nobody walks slower than you.
NOB
Well, I should think that nobody is a good deal quicker than I, either.
BAR
Poppycock! He would have been here before you.
(to HARRISON)
Thank you, Harrison.
HAR
Thank you, sir.
Exit Harrison.
BAR
Nicholas, at what velocitary magnitude were you walking?
NOB
I believe it was somewhere between an amble and a saunter.
BAR
Now, when you say amble, do you mean a slow walk or a relaxed walk?
NOB
I mean the latter, of course.
BAR
And a saunter?
NOB
By saunter, I refer to a fashion of perambulation that is a stroll in style, but has many chief characteristics attributed to a mosey.
BAR
And what might those be?
NOB
Leisurely and unhurried.
BAR
I see. Oh, and by the way, I thought I might tell you that I am chuffed that you are here. Lady Stockton is arriving shortly, and she will want to speak to you about the evening’s ball, what with your father.
NOB
My father?
BAR
My dear friend, it is not at all unnatural to wish to associate one’s self with those that have political influence. Look what the radicals are attempting. They aren’t succeeding, of course, but I should say that Lady Stockton has significant advantage in the Duke of Cornwall’s matters, considering his son is madly in love with her daughter.
NOB
How do you know with whom I am madly in love?
BAR
(chuckling)
I didn’t, until now. I suppose there isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t find her attractive. Lady Stockton isn’t stupid, though I often wonder how such a thing as her could produce Miss Eliza. Not many people take the trouble to travel for an hour and a half every week to have a philosophy lesson with me.
NOB
Is it not unseemly to fancy one’s pupil?
BAR
Whatever would give you that impression?
NOB
You said ‘there isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t find her attractive,’ you aren’t not alive so it follows that you wouldn’t not find her attractive.
BAR
I should say your father’s money on propositional calculus isn’t being wasted.
NOB
Indeed not, Dr. Barnes.
BAR
(suspiciously)
You haven’t called me ‘Dr. Barnes’ in several years; why are you buttering me up?
NOB
Buttering you up? What could you possibly mean?
BAR
Why are you flattering me, endearing me, executing an obsequious manner—
NOB
I deny all charges.
BAR
No you don’t. You wish for me to permit you to remain alone with Eliza. And I won’t allow it. I will not allow my first cousin to marry you, not when there is the matter of Beatrice to clear up. As I said, I won’t allow it.
Enter Harrison, unnoticed.
NOB
You won’t?
BAR
I won’t.
HAR
He won’t.
Both give quite a start.
Lady Stockton and Miss Pleasantry, sir.
Enter Stockton and Pleasantry.
STO
Barty, how are you? You gave me quite a start when you missed my banquet. Lord Stockton was terminally depressed for a week following.
BAR
Really? I am very sorry, Aunt Gwendletrude.
STO
That’s quite all right, Dr. Barnes. I have taken to impugning the society and the lower orders for our ills.
NOB
Do not speak ill of society. Only people who can't get in do that.
STO
(chuckling)
Mr. Noble! I hadn’t realized you were here. That changes everything. Come, I had hoped to discuss tonight’s ball with you.
NOB
Absolutely, Lady Stockton.
STO
Barty, I do not wish to hamper your lesson. Mr. Noble, come!
Exeunt Stockton and Noble.
BAR
Miss Pleasantry, as you recall, we left our lesson last week at the Sophists.
PLE
(sighing)
It is such a relief to be rid of my mother, I can’t express it.
BAR
While my great-aunt may be a tad formal at times, she did a superb job at raising you.
PLE
(shocked, giggling)
Dr. Barnes, please!
BAR
You will recall, the Sophist ideology was that there was no absolute truth, that all truths were relative, and depended on circumstances. Because they could not explain any thing, they taught…?
PLE
The taught that the use of reason toward everyday problems would improve society, and they exercised the use of rhetoric.
BAR
Very good. Today we shall finish the unit by discussing the three great Greek philosophers—
PLE
Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle.
BAR
Exactly. Socrates often experienced an inner voice that drove him to discover the truly good in life, and to teach that to others. Most notably, he developed what is now known as the Socratic method of teaching: a means of arriving at truth by continually questioning, obtaining answers, and criticizing the answers. To quote him, “Though the truth might be hard, or indeed impossible to find, the true philosopher must never stop looking for it.”
PLE
So he was the first Greek philosopher?
BAR
Indeed. Now, wandering the streets of Athens, Socrates met many people, and one of those people was his student Plato. Now Plato may be considered a— Well he was thought of as— Oh, dash it all. There is a word I’m looking for. Ah, he was— Forget it.
(gesturing appropriately)
To the library!
Exeunt Barnes, with Pleasantry trailing hopefully behind. Enter Stockton and Noble.
STO
Mr. Noble, I agree with you. There must be a wedding soon; our aristocratic life is becoming immeasurably dull, and while dull people are brilliant at breakfast, and upon that market they have a monopoly, it is their only use.
NOB
Quite right, Lady Stockton.
STO
I feel there is something you are withholding.
NOB
Well, it is only a thought, but your daughter is of age, and—
STO
I am well aware of my daughter’s beauty and intellect. And I admit that men can resist all but temptation, however I thought you had a greater control of your passions.
NOB
I—
STO
Still, that is not the subject of our discussion. I do not expect it will be at all difficult to find a suitable match for the wedding, for any marriage is suitable as long as the man has no passion whatsoever for the woman. However, there is only six and half hours until the ball begins, that is not an extraordinarily large amount of time considering the paperwork, and I am sure the priest will prove difficult, as it’s Sunday. On a different note, is your father attending?
NOB
Oh yes. He made a point of it at breakfast.
STO
Good. I was hoping he would attend. I thought if I planned the ball well enough, he would finance the next one, but that is neither here nor there.
NOB
Be that as it may, I’m certainly glad you alerted me as to your end.
STO
Did I? Oh, I suppose so. Is your father in the practice of financing things?
NOB
That depends entirely.
STO
Upon what?
NOB
Upon what ‘things’ refers to.
STO
Even if I didn’t specify, you can safely assume ‘things’ refers to inanimate objects, unnamed or unspecified objects, objectives of actions, an act, deed, or general matters or circumstances.
NOB
That lacks specificity as our queen lacks beauty—greatly, and in its facial regions.
STO
Nevertheless, I was referring to whether he finances balls, feasts, gatherings, parties, and the like.
NOB
Why didn’t you say so?
STO
I did say so.
NOB
That’s not the point.
STO
Of course it’s the point, you based a question upon entirely fictitious information.
NOB
You’re changing the subject, Lady Stockton.
STO
I am not; I’m pointing out your discrepancies; it’s one of the many things women rather advanced in years have a knack for.
NOB
I won’t argue that you fit the criteria.
STO
Arguing is an entirely tasteless and occasionally persuasive practice.
Enter Barnes and Pleasantry.
Barty! How nice to see you. Your words will undoubtedly break the monotony I find I am subjected to when I converse with Mr. Noble.
BAR
Indeed, Aunt Gwendletrude.
STO
Speaking of which, Barty, I wish to speak to you about finances.
BAR
Absolutely, dear Aunt Gwendletrude.
Exeunt Barnes and Stockton.
NOB
Dear Miss Pleasantry, I won’t mince words with you. From the moment I saw you at the dinner party a fortnight ago, I realized you were the woman to whom I was meant to be wed. Every time you caress my thoughts, my heart palpitates—
PLE
Mr. Noble, I would appreciate it if you did mince words, and preferably poetic ones.
NOB
Oh. Righto, then.
(poetically)
Dearest Eliza, your visage is the divine in both beauty and character. You appellation is the aphrodisiac I undergo every time it wends its way into my mind.
PLE
That’s an improvement.
(poetically)
And vice-versa.
NOB
Spiffing! When shall we be married?
PLE
I should think we not be married.
NOB
Why ever not?
PLE
Well, as my mother says, any marriage is suitable as long as the man has no passion whatsoever for the woman. I am afraid you have passions for me—
NOB
—And vice versa—
PLE
—So there is no hope whatsoever of my mother consenting to such an arrangement. She believes that marriage is strictly a formality and should not be the least bit involved with one’s passions, desires, tastes, or love; indeed, she hasn’t even seen Lord Stockton for over a year now.
NOB
How terminally depressing.
PLE
Indeed, but there is one hope for us, yet.
NOB
Really?
PLE
Yes, I wouldn’t have brought it up if there weren’t.
NOB
I wouldn’t put it past you.
PLE
I would. In any case, if we can convince Lady Stockton that the marriage is a wise choice socially or economically, then I believe we should be able to gain her consent.
NOB
That shouldn’t be difficult.
PLE
I beg to differ, Mr. Noble—
NOB
Don’t beg. It’s very rude to beg, not to mention unsightly. And I believe Parliament recently introduced a fine for begging publicly, and I should hope that my fiancé respects the will of the country—
PLE
Regardless, Lady Stockton only holds one person in high enough intellectual esteem to trust with my wedding plans: Dr. Barnes.
NOB
Dr. Barnes? Why, I believe he fancies you himself!
PLE
(poetically; distraught)
Horror! O horror! What apocalyptic fiend has revealed itself on high!
Enter Stockton, with Barnes trailing behind, unnoticed.
What evil and pandemonium presented in a single awful though convenient package will he proceed to perpetrate? I cannot answer for others but as for myself I am distraught!
NOB
And vice versa.
STO
Eliza! Mr. Noble!
They jump.
What on earth are you doing?
NOB
(quickly)
It was merely pleasantry, Lady Stockton.
STO
I think not. Out with it, Eliza.
PLE
I was monologizing, mother, and it is rather rude to interrupt a monologue.
STO
Nonsense. Lady Cheshire does it every third word.
NOB
Three words don’t generally constitute a monologue, Lady—
STO
Contradicting women advanced in their years is the worst breech of social contract since the French invaded during teatime.
NOB
But teatime is always tomorrow or yesterday, it’s never—
STO
Cease your contradictions, Mr. Noble, lest I make another analogy lacking in aptness!
BAR
Lady Stockton, an idea just occurred to me, concerning the ball tonight. Given the circumstances, I would be willing to wed your daughter.
STO
Have you any passions for her?
BAR
None that would breach social contract or interrupt teatime.
STO
And do you believe that this is a wise decision?
BAR
I—
STO
I ask only because you are the only one I hold in high enough intellectual esteem to confer with in matters concerning my daughter’s marital life, since marriage must only be considered intellectually. Emotions interfere with one’s consideration of social contract, formality, and teatime.
BAR
Yes, Lady Stockton. I think it would be a wise choice.
NOB
I don’t mean to intrude, but I did in fact proclaim my love for your daughter before Dr. Barnes.
STO
Don’t proclaim things. It is unseemly, tiresome, and should only be attempted by town criers, and then only to announce the time.
NOB
I would like to amend my statement.
STO
Well, all right, but do it quickly. Amending things takes considerably too much time. And it can never be done intellectually. It must always be put to a vote.
NOB
I don’t mean to intrude, but I did in fact assert my passions for you daughter before Dr. Barnes.
STO
You are ruining your case, Mr. Noble. Passions are far too powerful and all-consuming to be associated with marriage. In any case, I must admit I am far more partial to Dr. Barnes’s intellect than your father’s influence.
NOB
My dear Lady Stockton,
(aside)
This means war!
STO
I beg your pardon, Mr. Noble, I didn’t quite catch that last bit.
NOB
Don’t beg, Lady Stockton, it isn’t polite to beg.
STO
Enough! Eliza, come! We are leaving.
Enter Harrison, pushing a cart piled with platters.
HAR
It is teatime.
STO
Excellent! Tea is a wonderful revitalizer, and it raises morale more extravagantly than Tchaikovsky does his baton.
HAR
How is Lord Stockton?
STO
Oh, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen him for over a year now, since we’re married. Marriage is an expression of class, not love, you know.
HAR
Indeed. I—
STO
If people were to marry whom they loved, society would be filled with radicals and the economy entirely ruined.
HAR
I think I have a bit of somewhat alarming news for you, Lady Stockton.
STO
Really? Generally, gossip must wait for teatime to finish, or preempt it beforehand, but I think I shall make an exception.
HAR
Dr. Barnes and Lord Stockton were switched at birth, Lady Stockton.
STO
Oh my! I feel faint!
BAR
You do?
(aside)
Imagine how I must feel.
STO
Of course I don’t. But at receiving alarming news, one must always feel faint.
NOB
So I believe since neither you nor Dr. Barnes has passions for the other, you are perfect for marriage!
STO
I suppose.
BAR
I don’t know about you, Lady Stockton, but I feel somewhat ill at ease sharing a bed with my former great-aunt.
STO
Don’t be silly, Dr. Barnes. Since we’re to be married, I shall perhaps see you at social occasions. But we shan’t share a house, and certainly not a bed.
NOB
But the ball, Lady Stockton, there must be a wedding.
BAR
Isn’t there to be one between Lady Stockton and myself?
STO
Yes, why wouldn’t there be?
NOB
Of course not. You’ve been married for several decades already. There is no need to revitalize the wedding. The ring, perhaps, but not the wedding.
STO
I—I suppose your logic is correct so you and—
(with difficulty)
Miss Pleasantry will be married posthaste.
NOB
Spiffing!
PLE
Corking!
NOB, PLE
Sporking!
STO
Come, everyone. We must prepare for the ball!
BAR
But what about tea?
STO
Teatime is yesterday and tomorrow, but never today. You know that.
Exeunt all but Harrison.
HAR
At last! I am free of horrible Lady Stockton! Every moment we were married I was repulsed by her splendour, or lack thereof. My plan has succeeded! Dr. Barnes and Mr. Noble are both happy, and my work as a butler is done. Someone should write a book about this. Several books, in fact. Or, rather, I think an entire bookshop would do splendidly. Barnes and Noble. And Montgomery Harrison's.
Curtain Falls.
The End
The End
