Post by johnsapphire on Nov 25, 2006 16:04:58 GMT -5
A Trial
[/size]In One Act
Based on the Writings of Lewis Carroll
[/center]
In turning part of a book to a play, there is a substantial amount of change that must be made—in the action, phrasings, and presentation. Still, where possible, I have preserved Carroll’s sparkling wit and left his own words intact.
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ
The King of Hearts, serving as judge of the high court
The Queen of Hearts, the plaintiff
The Knave of Hearts, the defendant
The White Rabbit, the King’s adviser
Two Soldiers (both clubs)
The Head Juror
The Duchess, a “witness”
The Mad Hatter, another “witness”
The March Hare and Dormouse, his entourage
The Cook, a third “witness”
The Cheshire Cat, another “witness” still
An audience of jurors and members of the nobility (diamonds)
And, of course, Alice
Curtain rises. We see a stage with a grand throne and raised desk in front of it upstage, with a smaller chair on both sides of it, a jury box on one side of the stage, a witness stand on the other, long benches surrounding the action, and a small table downstage. Upon the desk, there are an inkwell, a quill, and several thick books.
Enter Jurors, being led by Head Juror, to Jury box. The King seats himself on the Judge’s throne; the queen seats herself on the plain chair to the King’s right.
Enter Soldiers 1 and 2 holding the Knave between them. They cross to the defendant’s chair (center). Knave sits in chair and a soldier stands on either side.
Enter chorus to the benches; enter Alice among them; cross White Rabbit to King’s left with trumpet. The White Rabbit places the tray of tarts of which he was carrying on the small table D. The jury begins to write busily on their slates in chalk.
ALICE
That’s the Judge, because of his great wig. He certainly doesn’t look becoming. And that’s the jury-box, and those twelve creatures, I suppose they are the jurors.
(sees them writing busily)
What could they possibly be writing? They can’t have anything to put down yet, before the trial’s begun.
(crosses behind the jury-box to see what the jury is writing)
Why, they’re putting down they’re names, for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial!
(loudly)
Stupid things!
RABBIT
Silence in the court!
The Jury stops a moment, then begins writing furiously again, muttering “stupid things” to themselves. As the muttering subsides, the King breaks in.
KING
Harold, read the accusation!
The White Rabbit blasts his trumpet three times.
RABBIT
The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day:
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts
And took them quite away!”
KING
(to JURY)
Consider your verdict.
RABBIT
(hastily)
Not yet, not yet! There’s a great deal to come before that!
KING
Call the first witness.
The White Rabbit blasts his trumpet three times.
RABBIT
First witness!
Enter Duchess.
DUCHESS
Good day to you, your most regal and benevolent kingship.
KING
How do you do?
DUCHESS
Quite well, your most regal and benevolent kingship.
KING
Very well. What do you know about today’s proceedings concerning the tart business?
DUCHESS
I—I have n-no idea, you Majesty, I baked some tarts, and I suppose the Queen must have, but I know very little about either set.
KING
Set of what?
DUCHESS
Tarts.
KING
So where are these tarts, of yours?
DUCHESS
Why, I haven’t the slightest idea.
KING
Haven’t you?
DUCHESS
I haven’t.
RABBIT
She hasn’t.
KING
At any rate, have you at least a bit of evidence?
DUCHESS
I suppose:
Speak roughly to your little boy
And beat him when he sneezes
He only does it do annoy
Because he knows it teases
ALL
Wow, wow, wow
Because he knows it teases
DUCHESS
I speak severely to my boy
And beat him when he sneezes
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases
ALL
Wow, wow, wow
The pepper when he pleases
KING
Thank you, thank you, Duchess.
DUCHESS
Might I see the Queen’s tarts, please your Majesty?
KING
Very well. Harold!
RABBIT
Yes, your Majesty?
KING
Bring the Duchess the plate of tarts.
RABBIT
Yes, your Majesty.
The White Rabbit picks up the plate and sets it in front of the Duchess, on the Witness Stand.
DUCHESS
Why, those are the very tarts I baked!
KING
They are?
QUEEN
They most certainly aren’t! Off with her head!
KING
Now, now, my dear, that’s a bit harsh.
(to one of the SOLDIERS guarding the KNAVE)
Just lock her up in the dungeon.
The SOLDIER takes the DUCHESS out. He soon returns.
(to JURY)
Consider your verdict.
RABBIT
Not yet, not yet, your majesty. There is much more evidence yet to come.
KING
Very well, call the next witness.
RABBIT
Next witness!
Enter Mad Hatter, with March Hare and Dormouse. The Mad Hatter has a cup of tea in one hand and a bread-and-butter in the other.
The Mad Hatter proceeds to the WITNESS STAND; the Dormouse and March Hare sit on either side of Alice.
HATTER
I beg pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in; but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for.
KING
You ought to have finished. When did you begin?
HATTER
(after looking at the March Hare)
Fourteenth of March, I think it was.
HARE
Fifteenth
MOUSE
Sixteenth.
KING
Write that down.
JUROR #1
Beg pardon, Majesty, but which one?
KING
All of them, and reduce the answer to shillings and pence.
The JURY scribbles furiously for a few moments.
(to HATTER)
Take off your hat.
HATTER
It isn’t mine.
KING
Stolen!
(to JURY)
Make a memorandum of the fact.
HATTER
(as if explaining)
I keep them to sell; I’ve none of my own. I’m a hatter.
KING
Give your evidence, and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on the spot.
Lights isolate Alice, the Dormouse, and the March Hare.
MOUSE
I wish you wouldn’t squeeze so. I can hardly breathe.
ALICE
I can’t help it; I’m growing.
HARE
You’ve no right to grow here.
ALICE
Don’t talk nonsense. You know you’re growing too.
MOUSE
Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace. Not at that ridiculous fashion.
The Dormouse crosses stage and seats himself somewhere else. Lights up full.
KING
Give your evidence, or I’ll have you executed, whether you’re nervous or not.
HATTER
(trembling)
I’m a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn’t begun my tea—not above a week or so—and what with the bread-and-butter getting so thin—and the twinkling of the tea—
KING
The twinkling of what?
HATTER
It began with the tea.
KING
Of course twinkling begins with a T! Do you take me for a dunce?!?
RABBIT
Continue, please.
HATTER
I’m a poor man, and most things twinkled after that—only the March Hare said—
HARE
I didn’t!
HATTER
You did!
HARE
I deny it!
KING
You deny it?
RABBIT
He denies it?
HARE
I deny it!
KING
Leave out that part.
HATTER
Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said—
KING
Does the Dormouse deny it?
RABBIT
The Dormouse is fast asleep, and in no condition to deny anything.
HATTER
After that, I cut some more bread-and-butter—
JUROR #1
But what did the Dormouse say?
HATTER
That I can’t remember.
KING
You must remember, or I’ll have you executed.
At this point the Hatter drops his tea and bread-and-butter and goes down on one knee.
HATTER
I’m a poor man, your Majesty—
KING
You’re a very poor speaker.
A member of the chorus cheers.
Suppress him!
He is immediately grabbed by the two soldiers guarding the Knave and hauled center. While the soldiers stand in front of the unlucky chorus member, the Queen crosses to him and sits upon him for a moment. Then, the soldiers drag him out. The soldiers soon return and take up their post on either side of the Knave. Everyone watches this with raised eyebrows.
ALICE
I’m glad I’ve seen that done, I’ve so often read in the newspapers, at the end of trials, “There was some attempt at applause, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court,” and I never understood what it meant ‘till now.
KING
If that’s all you know about it you may stand down.
HATTER
I can’t go no lower; I’m on the floor as it is.
KING
Then you may sit down.
Another chorus member cheers.
Suppress him!
Same business.
HATTER
I’d rather finish my tea.
KING
You may go.
Exit Hatter, hurriedly.
QUEEN
(to one of the soldiers)
—and just take off his head outside
Exit Soldier #1.
KING
Call the next witness!
Enter Cook to Witness Stand.
Give your evidence.
COOK
Shan’t.
RABBIT
(undertone, to king)
Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness.
KING
(to himself)
Well if I must, I must.
(to Cook)
What are tarts made of?
COOK
Pepper, mostly.
MOUSE
(just barely stirring)
Treacle…
QUEEN
Collar that Dormouse! Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!
Everyone gets up and runs around to the Dormouse. The Dormouse runs in fright and ends up leaving. Everyone else is under the impression that the Dormouse is still there, so it takes a while to calm everyone down.
KING
Never mind, never mind. Call the next witness.
(undertone to queen)
Really, my dear you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache!
RABBIT
Next witness!
The Cheshire Cat pops its head up from the witness stand, where it had been hiding since the Dormouse business.
CAT
I’m here. I’m here.
KING
What do you know of this business?
CAT
(quizzically)
What business, precisely?
KING
The tarts.
CAT
What tarts?
KING
The Queen’s tarts.
CAT
Queen? What Queen?
RABBIT
(undertone; to king)
You must make sure to cross-examine this witness!
KING
It quite makes may head smart!
(to CAT)
The queen to my right, the Queen of Hearts.
CAT
Oh. That queen.
KING
Yes, that queen. Now then, what do you know of the tarts.
CAT
What tarts?
KING
The Queen’s tarts.
CAT
Which queen?
KING
The Queen of Hearts’s tarts.
CAT
At what locality are these tarts presently?
KING
On that table, over there.
The KING gestures to the table.
CAT
I see. What are the tarts made of?
KING
Treacle and pepper.
CAT
(very distressed)
I see.
(after a moment)
And how do I figure in to this?
KING
You must tell me what you know of the tarts.
CAT
Well, as of now, I know that they are made of treacle and pepper, mostly.
KING
I know that, I just told you. What else do you know?
CAT
About what?
KING
The tarts.
CAT
Besides their culinary makeup?
KING
Yes, besides their culinary makeup.
CAT
What sort of things are you looking for?
KING
Anything that would prove this Knave of Hearts stole the tarts.
CAT
What knave?
KING
(gesturing to the knave)
The Knave of Hearts, over there.
CAT
Oh. Well, when were the tarts stolen?
KING
Half past the hour of five today.
CAT
How distressing.
KING
What is so distressing?
CAT
Well, your Majesty, at a quarter past the hour of five, the Knave finished his massage, and at a quarter of six, he was beginning a game of croquet with the deuce, I saw him on both accounts, but he was gone at half past five. I’m his cat, by the way.
KING
Why, that changes everything! Why didn’t you mention it sooner?
CAT
You only mentioned the knave a minute ago!
KING
You did?
CAT
I did.
RABBIT
He did?
KING
(to JURY)
Make a memorandum of the fact.
(to CAT)
Well, if that’s all you know, you may leave.
Exit Cheshire Cat.
QUEEN
(to other SOLDIER guarding the knave)
Just take off his head outside.
Exit Soldier.
I think I did a fine job of cross-examining that witness.
RABBIT
He wasn’t particularly together, I must say.
KING
Must you?
RABBIT
I must.
KING
Now it is time for the verdict.
RABBIT
No, no, sentence first, verdict afterwards.
KING
That’s positively backwards and upside-down!
RABBIT
Is it?
KING
It is.
RABBIT
Oh, I think not.
KING
Do you?
RABBIT
I do.
Enter soldier.
SOLDIER
You Majesties, I seem to have a problem.
KING
What might that be?
SOLDIER
Well, I made to decapitate the cat, at your command, you Majesty, but before I could do so, its body disappeared, and left only the head.
QUEEN
What rubbish.
KING
The head is still there?
SOLDIER
Yes it is. I’m quite sure of that.
KING
Well, anything that has a head can be beheaded, and you aren’t to talk nonsense.
SOLDIER
You can’t cut off a head unless there is a body to cut it of from; I’ve never had to do such a thing before, and I’m not going to begin at my time of life.
QUEEN
Well, if something isn’t done about this in less than no time, I’ll have everybody executed, all round.
Everyone in attendance looks grave and anxious.
ALICE
The cat belongs to the duchess and the knave: you’d better ask the Duchess about it, since the Knave is busy.
QUEEN
She’s in prison. Ask her if she knows how to behead it.
Exit soldier.
RABBIT
(after fumbling with his scroll)
Alice!
ALICE
Here!
KING
What do you know about this business?
ALICE
Nothing.
KING
Nothing whatever?
ALICE
Nothing whatever.
KING
(to JURY)
That’s very important.
RABBIT
(interrupting)
Unimportant, your Majesty means of course.
KING
Unimportant, of course, I meant.
(in an undertone, to himself)
important—unimportant—important—unimportant…
(suddenly)
Silence! Rule Forty-two “All persons more than a mile high must leave the court.” At once.
ALICE
I’m not a mile high.
KING
You are.
QUEEN
Nearly two.
ALICE
Well, I shan’t go, at any rate. Besides, that’s not a regular rule: you invented it just now.
KING
It’s the oldest rule in the book.
ALICE
Then it ought be Number One.
KING
(turning pale; in a low, trembling voice; to JURY)
Consider your verdict.
RABBIT
(jumping up in a great hurry)
There’s more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty. This paper has just been picked up.
QUEEN
What’s in it?
RABBIT
I haven’t opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to—to somebody.
KING
It must have been that, unless it was written to nobody, which isn’t at all usual.
JUROR #1
To whom is it directed?
RABBIT
It isn’t directed at all, in fact, there’s nothing written on the outside.
(unfolds the paper)
It isn’t a letter after all: it’s a set of verses
JUROR #1
Are they in the prisoner’s handwriting?
RABBIT
No, they’re not, and that’s the queerest thing about it.
Everyone looks perplexed.
KING
He must have imitated somebody else’s hand.
Everyone brightens.
KNAVE
Please, your Majesty, I didn’t write it, and they can’t prove that I did: there’s no name signed at the end.
KING
If you didn’t sign it, that only makes matters worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an honest man.
General cheering.
QUEEN
That proves his guilt, of course, so off with—
ALICE
It doesn’t prove anything of the sort! Why, you don’t even know what they’re about!
KING
Read them.
RABBIT
Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?
KING
Begin at the beginning, and go on ‘till you come round about the end; then stop.
They told me you had been to her,
And mentioned me to him:
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.
He sent them word i had not gone
(We know it to be true):
If she should push the matter on,
What would become of you?
I gave her one, they gave him two
You have us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.
If I or she should chance to be
Involved in this affair,
He trusts to you to set them free,
Exactly as we were.
My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.
Don’t let him know she liked them best,
For this must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me.
KING
That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet, so now let the jury—
ALICE
If any one of them can explain it, I’ll give him sixpence. I don’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it.
The JURY scribbles furiously on their slates and mutters, “she doesn’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it.” The RABBIT hands the paper to the KING.
KING
If there’s no meaning in it, that saves us a world of trouble, you know, as we needn’t try to find any. And yet I don’t know. I seem to see some meaning in them, after all. ‘—said I could not swim—’ You can’t swim, can you?
KNAVE
(shaking head sadly)
Do I look like it?
KING
Certainly not; you’re made entirely of cardboard. All right, so far. ‘We know it to be true—’ that’s the jury, of course—‘If she should push the matter on’—that must be the Queen—‘What would become of you?’—What, indeed!—‘I gave her one, they gave him two—’ why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know.
ALICE
But it goes on ‘they all returned from him to you’.
KING
Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again—‘before she had this fit—’ you never had fits, my dear, I think?
QUEEN
(looking at JUROR #1 very intently; furiously)
Never!
The QUEEN throws the king’s inkwell at JUROR #1.
KING
Then the words don’t fit you.
General dead silence.
(angrily)
It’s a pun!
Everyone laughs.
Let the jury consider their verdict.
QUEEN
No, no, no! Sentence first—verdict afterwards.
ALICE
Stuff and nonsense! The idea of having the sentence first!
QUEEN
(turning purple)
Hold your tongue!
ALICE
I won’t!
QUEEN
(at the top of her voice)
Off with her head!
RABBIT
Wait a moment! If it pleases your Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, it is traditional to have verdict first, then sentence, and tarts last.
QUEEN
Do you play croquet?
RABBIT
I have, on occasion, but—
KING
(to RABBIT)
Quiet, you, or I’ll have you suppressed.
The White Rabbit’s face pales with fright. The jury coalesces and begins debating in hushed whispers.
JUROR #1
(after a moment)
The Jury has come to its verdict and made a suitable sentence: The Knave is guilty, and as punishment, everyone but he is entitled to as many tarts as they can eat, and following that, there’ll be executions, all round.
Tableau.
The End