Post by AshVersion2 on Jan 12, 2007 14:34:04 GMT -5
This play - written by myself and Broky - was performed at the Hampstead Theatre in Swiss Cottage on Thursday the 11th of January, 2007.
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In The Thick Of It
Characters
Ryan Adams (American)
Gerik MacDonald (strong Edinburgh accent [the ‘G’ is pronounced ‘J’ as in Jerry])
Liz (Elizabeth) Adams (Ryan’s cousin, London)
Joanna MacDonald (Gerik’s Grandmother, strong Edinburgh accent)
(Scene 1)
(People’s muttering voices are heard [possibly tape recorded previously] as soft lounge music starts along with it. The lights come onto a homely setting. There’s a window at the back showing a London park [at night]. There’s a sofa just in front of it, another stage left and a single chair stage right. There is also a drinks table stage right, with a variety of fizzy drinks and alcoholic drinks. Extreme stage left is a music system with CDs piled next to it for people to change the music at will. Liz and Gerik are at the centre of the room talking, with their heads quite close together. Liz is dressed in a skirt and blouse, very casually, while Gerik is in a suit, straight trousers [black] and a white shirt.)
Liz:
Calm down! Gerik, honey, he’s only my cousin for goodness sake. What’s the worse that could happen?!
Gerik:
(Breathing in deeply) He’s your cousin who’s more protective than your father -
Liz:
And my father loved you! Surely an eighteen year old kid would be easy.
Gerik:
If I were in his shoes, I would be trying to scare me out of my wits! Liz, he’s like your brother. Meaning, he’s protective. Meaning, I need to make a good impression. Meaning -
(The door bell rings)
Liz:
You have to calm down. (She smiles at him and kisses him quickly, before going to answer the door. Ryan walks in dressed in baggy trousers, and a plain black shirt, his cap is low over his eyes. Liz grins up at him, and reaches up to flick his cap away from his eyes) Ryan, this is a respectable party! No wannabe gangsterisums here, thank you very much.
Ryan:
(Grinning at her crookedly, then pulling her into a hug, which she returns happily) Good to see you too, Lizzie.
Liz:
(Quietly) You too, Ry. (Pulling away from him hands on hips) So where have you been that you haven’t been able to come visit your favourite cousin then?!
(Ryan walks further into the house towards the drinks table to pour himself a coke, he gives Gerik [who had been looking extremely worried from the middle of the room, then walked over to the couch and sat down pretending to look at something on his phone] a mistrustful glance)
Liz:
(Forcefully) Ryan Adams!
Ryan:
(Looking up at her in surprise) Don’t worry! I’ve just been catching up with some school work. And Dad came down for a visit for a bit. Been showing him round.
Liz:
Good, I’m glad you guys were able to have some time together, and that he kept you out of trouble (Ryan nods enthusiastically, putting his drink down, and his hands together as though he is praying [angel face] Liz laughs and his the back of his head) Idiot… (There’s a call for Liz off stage left, she glances at Gerik as Ryan drinks his Coke looking away, Gerik looks scared, but Liz whispers at him to calm down and turns back to Ryan) I’ll just see what they want, you stay right here. There’s someone I want you to meet.
Ryan:
You mean that boyfriend of yours? (he scowls for a moment, before trying to resume an indifferent face)
Liz:
(Laughing) Yes, him. Now be a good boy and stay put. (She walks away off stage)
Ryan:
Yes Ma’am! (he salutes, looks at Gerik again, suspiciously, before walking over to the music system to look through the CDs)
(Gerik looks round uncomfortably for a moment, before taking a deep breath and standing up, shoving his phone back in his pocket. He walks towards Ryan, then changes his mind when he’s almost reached him, and heads towards the drinks table. Ryan gets bored as he looks at the CDs, and walks back to the drinks table to get some more drink. As he gets to the table, Gerik turns round and takes a step forward, walking straight into Ryan, and spilling his drink on him)
Gerik:
Oh jeez, I’m so sorry!
Ryan:
(Looking at him angrily, talking through gritted teeth) It’s fine…
Gerik:
You sure? I’m so sorry, I should have been thinking. I’m so -
Ryan:
(Raising his eye brows) Dude, calm down, it’s a shirt. I can get a new one. (He rolls his eyes, moving round him to get to the table)
Gerik:
(to himself) Great first impression, Gerry, you… moron… now he thinks you’re retarded! Ok… try again… (he takes a deep breath) Uhmmm… (Ryan looks at him again taking a sip from his newly poured drink) You’re Lizzie’s cousin, Bryan Adams right?
Ryan:
(As though he’s trying not to explode) It’s Ryan Adams.
Gerik:
(Panicking) Yes, of coarse, sorry, I just… I… uh…
Ryan:
You’re not Gerik are you?
Gerik:
(Grinning widely, but it’s too large) That’s me. She wanted to introduce us. Well I mean, it is the right thing to do.
Ryan:
(Raising his eye brows) It is?
Gerik:
I mean, you would wanna meet the guy who’s screwing the girl who’s like your sister.
(Ryan stares at him as though he’s insane, shaking his head, as though he’s trying to say something. Gerik is still grinning like an idiot. When Ryan walks away, Gerik groans and walks round the table hit his head on the wall behind the drinks table)
Gerik:
Way to go mess up the one chance to get on with the kid! You are so screwed Gerry, my friend…
Ryan:
(Looking back at Gerik, shaking his head) Liz is dating that?! I thought she had better taste. The guy’s an idiot! (he’s about to walk back to Gerik to say something when Liz walks back in)
Liz:
(she looks between Ryan and Gerik) So you boys have met then?
Ryan:
(Shooting Gerik a cold glare, before looking at Liz again) You bet…
(Liz frowns, is about to walk over to Ryan, but his phone rings. He answers it, and puts his hand up to Liz and, looking incredibly apologetic, he starts muttering into the phone, walking away into a corner. Shaking her head sighing, she walks over to Gerik instead to see what happened. She touches his shoulder.)
Gerik:
I messed up… I’m such an idiot…
Liz:
What happened?
Gerik:
I called him Bryan… (Liz winces, looking away, then turns him round so he’ll look at her) Then I made it worse… I said something about screwing his sister…
Liz:
Oh Gerry… honey… (she hugs him) you are an idiot sometimes…
Gerik:
I know, I know…
Liz:
But I love you anyway. Ryan knows that.
Gerik:
(smiling, pulling away from her gently) Love you too. (He leans in to kiss her)
Ryan:
(Yelling, interrupting the moment between Gerik and Liz, as they look towards him) I’ll f*cking be there, all right! (he hangs up looking angry, as Liz pulls away from Gerik to talk to Ryan, who walks towards the door) I gotta go, Liz. I gotta take care of this.
Liz:
No you don’t! We haven’t caught up for ages. Please stay…
Ryan:
Lizzie, I have to go. If I don’t… I don’t even wanna think about. (he kisses her forehead) Love you, sissy.
Liz:
Love you too, Ry…
(As he walks away Liz slumps into the single seat, Gerik walking over to her side, worriedly. As Ryan reaches the door, he lifts his shirt for a moment, and pats the gun discreetly that's hidden at his waist line before walking out)
Liz:
(Gerik has his arm round her, sitting on the arm of the chair. She leans in on his side) Why can’t he just be a normal kid, Gerry… he worries me…
Gerik:
(softly) I know, baby… I know…
(The lights dim as Gerik kisses her head end scene one)
(Scene 2)
(on a street outside, lots of buildings and rubbish on the floor. Gerik enters stage right talking rapidly into the phone. Gerik is dressed much more casually, in a loose t-shirt and casual jeans).
Gerik:
Just as long as you’re fine… yes, Gran… I already called them, don’t worry. I know you’re not helpless, but you are in hospital! You just had a heart attack, Gran! (pause) THERE’S NO ‘JUST’ ABOUT IT! (pause) ok- Gran- it’s- I- WHAT?! (pause) Yes, Gran, I am wearing clean underwear (pause) yes I did eat breakfast this morning (pause) no I di- I’M NOT TELLING YOU TH-
(shouting is heard of stage, and Ryan comes running on with a gun in hand [stage left]. He turns round while still running. He stops trying to catch his breath, walking backwards, he turns round suddenly, and crashes into Gerik while tripping over his own feet. Gerik stumbles back slightly, phone still to his ear, looking bemused, while Ryan glares up at him, gun still in hand)
Gerik:
Uh… Gran? I’ll see you in a bit, I’ll come visit you… (he hangs up) Bryan Adams?
Ryan:
(trying to stuff the gun down the back of his baggy jeans) It’s RYAN Adams. I’m not some stupid ballad (sarcastically) love singer!
Gerik:
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan… of course. You look nothing like hi-
Ryan:
What do you want, sisterfucker?
Gerik:
(ignoring the comment entirely) What you trying to hide, kid?
Ryan:
I’m eighteen, I ain’t a kid. And what’s it to you?
(Gerik offers his hand for him to get up. Ryan glares at the hand and gets up on his own. He turns round to check behind him, but his shirt is tucked into the gun, instead of in front of it. Gerik, without thinking, grabs it)
Ryan:
(jumping round, angrily) Give that back, faggot, what you think your doing goin’ down -
Gerik:
(checking the gun over) Does Liz know you have it?
(Ryan and Gerik glare at each other. Yelling is heard again, things like ‘he went this way!’ ‘lets get him!’, etc. Ryan’s already stunned face turns to shock. While he tries to walk past Gerik, forgetting all about the gun, Gerik reaches out, grabbing his arm)
Gerik:
Those kids after you?
Ryan:
(pausing for a moment, staring straight a head, then looking down) Yeah… kinda got into an argument with Hellboy…
Gerik:
(trying to cover a laugh badly) Hellboy? Movie obsessive by any chance?
Ryan:
(Through gritted teeth) I don’t care! He’s f*cking dangerous, and I’m gonna get killed if you don’t let me go.
Gerik:
(looking towards where the kids are coming from, frowning) They know where you live?
Ryan:
Yeah…
Gerik:
(searching through his pockets for a moment then, finding his keys, he lets go of Ryan and pushes the keys into Ryan’s chest, he is still staring straight ahead) Stay at mine. The address is on the keys.
(Ryan stares at the keys in his hands, then looks at Gerik)
Ryan:
Listen man, you don’t -
Gerik:
Just get lost, kid, I’ll be back there in two hours, so I don’t want any raves or anything.
Ryan:
(worriedly) you’re not gonna tell Liz about -
Gerik:
I’ll talk to you later, just get going before they get hold of you. I’m letting you coz you’re Liz’s cousin. (he looks at Ryan) Just get lost!
Ryan:
(grinning at Gerik, then jogging off stage right) Thanks man!
(Gerik watches him go for a moment, shaking his head, and walks on, hands in his pockets, gun hidden in waistbeand of jeans, staring as casually as he can straight ahead. The shouts get louder)
Gerik:
What the hell have I gotten myself into?!
(he exists stage left)
(end scene two)
(Scene 3)
(Hospital setting, a curtain downstage, with a hospital bed in the foreground, Joanna MacDonald in it, eating grapes from a bowl in her lap, dressed in a hospital gown. There’s a side table next to the bed. Gerik is sitting sideways to the bed talking to her)
Joanna:
(kindly) You just talk to him, you’ll set him right.
Gerik:
He doesn’t like me that much though, Gran. We kinda… got off on the wrong foot.
Joanna:
Then you can show him who you really are! Just talk to him, and don’t be patronizing. Teenagers hate that. He’s not a child any more.
Gerik:
(quietly) Doesn’t act like it.
Joanna:
(hitting him on the back of his head) I might be old, Gerik James MacDonald, but I am not deaf!
Gerik:
(chuckling) I know that… (he rubs the back of his head) all too well… (his grin fades)
Joanna:
That’s not all that’s bothering you is it? (Gerik shakes his head, staring at the floor straight ahead of them) You haven’t told her yet… have you?
Gerik:
Not yet…
Joanna:
You have to! She can’t carry on being left in the dark for goodness sake! She’s a grown woman, she deserves to know the truth. It’s not like you have AIDs or something.
Gerik:
(bitterly) I might as well do.
Joanna:
(bluntly and angrily) Infertility isn’t catching -
Gerik:
(in an angry whisper) Gran!
Joanna:
For heaven’s sake, lad! It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s not like it’s the most uncommon problem in the world.
Gerik:
But it’s so hard to tell the woman you love that she can’t have kids with you. I’m such a coward… even writing a letter to her is hard! I’ve written a million… all of them ended up on the floor…
Joanna:
(patting his arm gently) I know, laddie, I know… well… I don’t (Gerik hides a chuckle) but I can try to understand. (She smiles at him gently) Now I know you have better things to do than to come visit an old lady. Go sort out that kid.
Gerik:
(getting up, pulling her into a hug, then pulling away) I’ll be back tomorrow. The doctor says that you can leave in the next week.
Joanna:
(after making a distasteful face and noise) That doctor’s new, he knows nothing. I’ll be out in the next two days. And I want chocolate tomorrow, not grapes! I hate hospitals as it is.
Gerik:
(laughing properly) Yes, Gran, truffles as usual? (Joanna nods and Gerik leaves) God, I hope that kid hasn’t messed up the flat. Gerik’s bad enough . . . (Gerik exists stage left)
(light dims as Joanna leans her head back on the pillows smiling)
(end scene three)
(Scene 4)
(The flat is cluttered with books, news papers, pens, random written on pieces of paper. The two sofas are old and battered, one towards the back of the stage, the other adjacent back towards stage left. The TV is situated stage right. Ryan is sitting in the middle of the room, reading a piece of paper he has evidently found. There’s a banging at a door. Ryan looks up [towards stage left], hesitates, the door is banged at again he gets up and heads towards stage left to answer it. There is a moment of struggle, then both Gerik and Ryan stumble back in again.)
Ryan:
Stupid f*cking door! Bloody jammed…
Gerik:
Oi, no bad language in my house, thanks Ryan.
Ryan:
(rolling his eyes) Yes, Grandpa… who can finally say my name.
Gerik:
You be -
Ryan:
(he holds out the piece of paper, an indifferent look on his face) Did you write this?
Gerik:
(He grabs it, reading through it quickly, his eyes widening) Where’d you get this! This is private!
Ryan:
(shrugging) I found in on the floor (he gestures to the papers around). So when you gonna tell her?
Gerik:
Liz?
Ryan:
Yeah.
(Gerik sighs heavily, and sits on the farthest sofa, his hands covering his face as he leans back. The gun is visible at Gerik’s waistband, but Ryan has flopped to the other chair, picking up another piece of paper, eyes skimming it until Gerik talks)
Gerik:
Soon… I want to… but it’s so hard… I’ve already talked about this to my Gran-
Ryan:
And you don’t wanna talk about it to some kid that you hardly know. (he grins crookedly) I understand, man, don’t worry. Chill. I won’t tell her… (his face turns to a scowl) as long as you don’t tell her about… (he gestures at Gerik’s waistband)
Gerik:
(pulling out the gun, looking over it again, putting it next to him) This is different. You could kill someone with this. I’m not hurting anyone.
Ryan:
(angrily) ‘Cept Liz. She wants kids you know.
Gerik:
(heatedly) Don’t turn this round on me! I’m not going round waving a loaded gun.
Ryan:
(he jumps to his feet, angrily, glaring at him) It’s for my protection, MacDonald. And Liz’s! I know how to work it, it’s not like I’m waving it round stupidly. Dad’s taught me.
Gerik:
(shaking his head, putting the gun down next to him slowly) It’s a weapon, kid, that’s bad enough… I have no idea how you walk around with this thing! I keep thinking someone was going to search me!
Ryan:
(Rolling his eyes in disgust) Ugh… you’re as bad as the rest of them (he eyes the gun, still scowling) What you gonna do?
Gerik:
With the gun? (Ryan nods, stuffing his hands in his pockets) Probably give it back, I don’t want it! (Gerik looks between the gun and Ryan and holds out the weapon. Ryan looks taken aback as he reaches out to take the barrel. Gerik keeps hold of the gun) I want you to get rid of it. (Ryan opens his mouth, but Gerik carries on anyway) If you get rid of it, I won’t breath a word of this (he gestures with his head to the gun) to Liz.
Ryan:
I’ve got it to protect her! Hellboy (Gerik tries not to laugh at the name, Ryan seems to hide a smile as well) takes his anger out on family too. I’ve seen it. If they f*ck with me… this is the only way they’re gonna know I mean business… no one fucks with my family.
Gerik:
(Mildly) I told you to lay off the foul mouth
Ryan:
(Looking at him incredulously, as Gerik lets go of the gun) Dude… you’re insane…
Gerik:
(Still calm, leaning back as Ryan flops next to him, who looks the gun over) I am?
Ryan:
Yeah. You’re letting me off the hook… taking the piss outta my language-
Gerik:
I don’t like bad language
Ryan:
You’re not all bad, man… not as much of an idiot as I thought (Gerik grins, looking away from Ryan so he doesn’t see it) I’ll do you a deal (Gerik looks at him sharply) You tell Liz about your little problem by the end of next week, I’ll get rid of the gun. Deal?
Gerik:
(A moment’s pause as a thoughtful frown passes his face) Alright.
Ryan:
(Holding out his hand to Gerik) Deal?
Gerik:
As long as you leave the gun here so you won’t be tempted… (Ryan nods immediately. Gerik takes Ryan’s hand and shakes it) Deal.
(They grin at each other, let go, looking out at the audience. Ryan puts the gun next to him, not even thinking about it.)
Ryan:
(Quietly) Do you live with your Gran or something?
(They look at each other again, as they both start laughing, the lights go out)
(End scene four)
(Scene 5)
(Same setting as the first scene, in Liz’s flat. Minus the drink’s table, the music system is still there, the CDs are more messily arranged. There is a breakfast table in the middle of the room. A morning radio show is playing very softly in the background. Liz is standing, leaning against the table, reading the letter in her hand aloud)
Liz:
(casually, almost smiling) I don’t know how to tell you this babe - (pausing, she looks upset, almost angry) - but you’re in shit… You might think that your little Ryan Charlie Adams is just a mislead American chav, but believe me, he’s the one doing the leading. He’s fucked with me, babe, now it’s… (she trails off, her eyes widening, her voice shaking and stammering) my turn to f*ck with you. (she stops, and looks up blankly, the page shaking in her hand) RYAN CHARLES ADAMS!
(Ryan comes walking in, dressed only in his pyjama bottoms, his hair a mess, yawning, scratching the back of his head)
Ryan:
(very sleepily) Great wake up call, Liz… wassamatter… (he sits at the table with a thump)
Liz:
(Slamming the letter in front of him) Who in God’s name is Hellboy?!
Ryan:
(blearily) Huh…? Who? How’d you know…?
Liz:
Know?! KNOW?! (She starts shaking the letter in his face) A little thing called a Death Threat kinda clears certain things up!
Ryan:
(taking the note, skimming lazily) It’s ain’t a death threat… it’s a rape threat… nothin’ to worry about. (Liz rolls her eyes, looking up at the ceiling, then slaps him hard across the face) OW! (Ryan is very awake now) What was that for?!
Liz:
(Hands on her hips angrily) To wake you up. Now just… just think about what you said!
Ryan:
Which bit? (Liz just glares at him, tapping her foot impaiently) The rape note bit? (Liz nods hopefully, Ryan seems to get exasperated) They’re always empty threats. That’s kinda why they’re so common! (Liz snorts, looking very unimpressed. Understanding passes over Ryan, as his face becomes scared instead of cocky) In the States they are… (he trails off as his words truly hit him) You don’t get them a lot here do you…
Liz:
NO RYAN! WE DON’T!
(Ryan’s eyes are wide as he leans back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling in despair, running his fingers through his hair. Liz sits on the chair opposite him, covering her face with her hands. Ryan looks at her, then gets up suddenly, making his chair fall backwards. Liz looks up at him.)
Ryan:
You stay here. Don’t move. I don’\t want you killed. Or raped. Or… whatever! Just… stay… (he heads towards the door)
Liz:
(tiredly) Where you going?
Ryan:
(Almost at the door, not looking at her, staring straight ahead) To sort this out. (he reaches out for the door.)
Liz:
Ryan?
Ryan:
(standing still) What?
Liz:
Get dressed.
(Ryan stops, looks down at himself and grins sheepishly at Liz and walks towards stage right instead.)
(Lights dim as Liz puts her head on the table.)
(end scene five)
(Scene 6)
(In Gerik’s flat, the papers are tidied up on the sofa that faces the audience, but the books still all over the place. Gerik is in his casual jeans [only], his shirt on one of the couches as he paces)
Gerik:
(grinning) Liz, I don’t know how to tell you this babe… but I’m infertile. (Grin slips off his face as he groans) And I wanna throw a party to celebrate! (He looks thoughtful for a moment) Liz, I - (there’s frantic knocking at the door) - am going to have to come back to this later… (the knocking doesn’t stop as he pulls the shirt on quickly) I’m coming! (the knocking is still going, not giving him time to do up his shirt. He walks over to pull the door open, stage left. The door swings open suddenly, knocking the door into Gerik’s nose, knocking him back onto the floor. Ryan walks in dressed in baggy jeans, a loose hoodie and a cap pulled low over his eyes. Ryan slams the door shut, taking off his cap, movements quick and frantic. Gerik is on the floor clutching his nose, complaining)
Ryan:
Gerry, man - we got a a problem! (he frowns down at Gerik, and offers his hand down for Gerik to help him up) What you doing on the floor?
Gerik:
(as though through a blocked nose) Just having a kip so the door slams into my face. You know, just for fun. Damn my nose hurts!
Ryan:
(exasperatedly) Dude, f*ck the nose, it’s -
Gerik:
(muttering) Easy for some …
Ryan:
(Grabbing the collar of Gerik’s un-done shirt) IT’S LIZ, YOU f"cker!
Gerik:
I told you I - WHAT! (leaping up) What about her, what’s happened? Is she hurt? (grabs Ryan’s shirt) If your connections have got to her, I’ll -
Ryan:
(pushing him off) Gerik, calm the f*ck down! (Gerik walks to the other end of the room, panting in anger) Liz just received a threat, OK, nothing’ too harsh. Rape threats are very rarely -
Gerik:
RAPE THREAT?! Ryan, please tell me that cracking my face off the door is making me hallucinate!
Ryan:
(stepping towards him) Wish it were, man. But you and I are gonna sort this out. (Gerik glares at him) Give me the gun. I’ll end it.
Gerik:
(both sarcastic and angry) Oh, great plan. Go and shoot the gangster! Because that won’t get us killed!
Ryan:
Nothing like that, idiot! I’m gonna get rid of the gun, then tell Hellboy where he can stick his threats. Might shove my foot in the right place, let him know where it is . . .
Gerik:
You think that’ll work, Ryan? You’re eighteen -
Ryan:
(cutting him off) Yeah - old enough to make my own decisions.
(they stare at each other for a few moments, then Gerik sighs. He goes off-stage for a few seconds to retrieve the gun. Coming back, he slowly holds out the gun [after examining it] for Ryan to take. Before he can do so, Gerik’s phone rings. Putting the gun in his waistband, he answers it.)
Gerik:
Hello?
Liz:
(on phone, breathing heavily, speaking quickly, fearful) Gerry, it’s me, Liz! Call the police! Help me, find Ryan and -
(the phone is cut off, the dial tone loud. Gerik’s eyes are wide as he slowly lowers the phone from his ear. Ryan is just as shocked. After a few moments of tense silence, Gerik lunges for the door. Ryan grabs him and pushes him back)
Ryan:
Gerik, don’t!
Gerik:
Don’t?! DON’T! Ryan, you of all people should know when the word ‘don’t’ gets VERY redundant!
(lunges again, again pushed back)
Ryan:
If you go out there, you will be shot dead! You think you can take on Hellboy’s gang?!
Gerik
(pause) They screw my girlfriend . . . They screw with me
(runs for the door again)
Ryan:
No!
(Ryan intercepts him. There is a brawl between them, the gun switching hands several times. Eventually, they both have hold of the gun at the same time and are struggling for it. In their struggle, the gun is pointed upwards and shot. All the lights go off as if the bullet shot them out. The audience can hear scuffles of a fight briefly, then another gun shot, a thud to the floor. Silence.)
THE END
Characters
Ryan Adams (American)
Gerik MacDonald (strong Edinburgh accent [the ‘G’ is pronounced ‘J’ as in Jerry])
Liz (Elizabeth) Adams (Ryan’s cousin, London)
Joanna MacDonald (Gerik’s Grandmother, strong Edinburgh accent)
(Scene 1)
(People’s muttering voices are heard [possibly tape recorded previously] as soft lounge music starts along with it. The lights come onto a homely setting. There’s a window at the back showing a London park [at night]. There’s a sofa just in front of it, another stage left and a single chair stage right. There is also a drinks table stage right, with a variety of fizzy drinks and alcoholic drinks. Extreme stage left is a music system with CDs piled next to it for people to change the music at will. Liz and Gerik are at the centre of the room talking, with their heads quite close together. Liz is dressed in a skirt and blouse, very casually, while Gerik is in a suit, straight trousers [black] and a white shirt.)
Liz:
Calm down! Gerik, honey, he’s only my cousin for goodness sake. What’s the worse that could happen?!
Gerik:
(Breathing in deeply) He’s your cousin who’s more protective than your father -
Liz:
And my father loved you! Surely an eighteen year old kid would be easy.
Gerik:
If I were in his shoes, I would be trying to scare me out of my wits! Liz, he’s like your brother. Meaning, he’s protective. Meaning, I need to make a good impression. Meaning -
(The door bell rings)
Liz:
You have to calm down. (She smiles at him and kisses him quickly, before going to answer the door. Ryan walks in dressed in baggy trousers, and a plain black shirt, his cap is low over his eyes. Liz grins up at him, and reaches up to flick his cap away from his eyes) Ryan, this is a respectable party! No wannabe gangsterisums here, thank you very much.
Ryan:
(Grinning at her crookedly, then pulling her into a hug, which she returns happily) Good to see you too, Lizzie.
Liz:
(Quietly) You too, Ry. (Pulling away from him hands on hips) So where have you been that you haven’t been able to come visit your favourite cousin then?!
(Ryan walks further into the house towards the drinks table to pour himself a coke, he gives Gerik [who had been looking extremely worried from the middle of the room, then walked over to the couch and sat down pretending to look at something on his phone] a mistrustful glance)
Liz:
(Forcefully) Ryan Adams!
Ryan:
(Looking up at her in surprise) Don’t worry! I’ve just been catching up with some school work. And Dad came down for a visit for a bit. Been showing him round.
Liz:
Good, I’m glad you guys were able to have some time together, and that he kept you out of trouble (Ryan nods enthusiastically, putting his drink down, and his hands together as though he is praying [angel face] Liz laughs and his the back of his head) Idiot… (There’s a call for Liz off stage left, she glances at Gerik as Ryan drinks his Coke looking away, Gerik looks scared, but Liz whispers at him to calm down and turns back to Ryan) I’ll just see what they want, you stay right here. There’s someone I want you to meet.
Ryan:
You mean that boyfriend of yours? (he scowls for a moment, before trying to resume an indifferent face)
Liz:
(Laughing) Yes, him. Now be a good boy and stay put. (She walks away off stage)
Ryan:
Yes Ma’am! (he salutes, looks at Gerik again, suspiciously, before walking over to the music system to look through the CDs)
(Gerik looks round uncomfortably for a moment, before taking a deep breath and standing up, shoving his phone back in his pocket. He walks towards Ryan, then changes his mind when he’s almost reached him, and heads towards the drinks table. Ryan gets bored as he looks at the CDs, and walks back to the drinks table to get some more drink. As he gets to the table, Gerik turns round and takes a step forward, walking straight into Ryan, and spilling his drink on him)
Gerik:
Oh jeez, I’m so sorry!
Ryan:
(Looking at him angrily, talking through gritted teeth) It’s fine…
Gerik:
You sure? I’m so sorry, I should have been thinking. I’m so -
Ryan:
(Raising his eye brows) Dude, calm down, it’s a shirt. I can get a new one. (He rolls his eyes, moving round him to get to the table)
Gerik:
(to himself) Great first impression, Gerry, you… moron… now he thinks you’re retarded! Ok… try again… (he takes a deep breath) Uhmmm… (Ryan looks at him again taking a sip from his newly poured drink) You’re Lizzie’s cousin, Bryan Adams right?
Ryan:
(As though he’s trying not to explode) It’s Ryan Adams.
Gerik:
(Panicking) Yes, of coarse, sorry, I just… I… uh…
Ryan:
You’re not Gerik are you?
Gerik:
(Grinning widely, but it’s too large) That’s me. She wanted to introduce us. Well I mean, it is the right thing to do.
Ryan:
(Raising his eye brows) It is?
Gerik:
I mean, you would wanna meet the guy who’s screwing the girl who’s like your sister.
(Ryan stares at him as though he’s insane, shaking his head, as though he’s trying to say something. Gerik is still grinning like an idiot. When Ryan walks away, Gerik groans and walks round the table hit his head on the wall behind the drinks table)
Gerik:
Way to go mess up the one chance to get on with the kid! You are so screwed Gerry, my friend…
Ryan:
(Looking back at Gerik, shaking his head) Liz is dating that?! I thought she had better taste. The guy’s an idiot! (he’s about to walk back to Gerik to say something when Liz walks back in)
Liz:
(she looks between Ryan and Gerik) So you boys have met then?
Ryan:
(Shooting Gerik a cold glare, before looking at Liz again) You bet…
(Liz frowns, is about to walk over to Ryan, but his phone rings. He answers it, and puts his hand up to Liz and, looking incredibly apologetic, he starts muttering into the phone, walking away into a corner. Shaking her head sighing, she walks over to Gerik instead to see what happened. She touches his shoulder.)
Gerik:
I messed up… I’m such an idiot…
Liz:
What happened?
Gerik:
I called him Bryan… (Liz winces, looking away, then turns him round so he’ll look at her) Then I made it worse… I said something about screwing his sister…
Liz:
Oh Gerry… honey… (she hugs him) you are an idiot sometimes…
Gerik:
I know, I know…
Liz:
But I love you anyway. Ryan knows that.
Gerik:
(smiling, pulling away from her gently) Love you too. (He leans in to kiss her)
Ryan:
(Yelling, interrupting the moment between Gerik and Liz, as they look towards him) I’ll f*cking be there, all right! (he hangs up looking angry, as Liz pulls away from Gerik to talk to Ryan, who walks towards the door) I gotta go, Liz. I gotta take care of this.
Liz:
No you don’t! We haven’t caught up for ages. Please stay…
Ryan:
Lizzie, I have to go. If I don’t… I don’t even wanna think about. (he kisses her forehead) Love you, sissy.
Liz:
Love you too, Ry…
(As he walks away Liz slumps into the single seat, Gerik walking over to her side, worriedly. As Ryan reaches the door, he lifts his shirt for a moment, and pats the gun discreetly that's hidden at his waist line before walking out)
Liz:
(Gerik has his arm round her, sitting on the arm of the chair. She leans in on his side) Why can’t he just be a normal kid, Gerry… he worries me…
Gerik:
(softly) I know, baby… I know…
(The lights dim as Gerik kisses her head end scene one)
(Scene 2)
(on a street outside, lots of buildings and rubbish on the floor. Gerik enters stage right talking rapidly into the phone. Gerik is dressed much more casually, in a loose t-shirt and casual jeans).
Gerik:
Just as long as you’re fine… yes, Gran… I already called them, don’t worry. I know you’re not helpless, but you are in hospital! You just had a heart attack, Gran! (pause) THERE’S NO ‘JUST’ ABOUT IT! (pause) ok- Gran- it’s- I- WHAT?! (pause) Yes, Gran, I am wearing clean underwear (pause) yes I did eat breakfast this morning (pause) no I di- I’M NOT TELLING YOU TH-
(shouting is heard of stage, and Ryan comes running on with a gun in hand [stage left]. He turns round while still running. He stops trying to catch his breath, walking backwards, he turns round suddenly, and crashes into Gerik while tripping over his own feet. Gerik stumbles back slightly, phone still to his ear, looking bemused, while Ryan glares up at him, gun still in hand)
Gerik:
Uh… Gran? I’ll see you in a bit, I’ll come visit you… (he hangs up) Bryan Adams?
Ryan:
(trying to stuff the gun down the back of his baggy jeans) It’s RYAN Adams. I’m not some stupid ballad (sarcastically) love singer!
Gerik:
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan… of course. You look nothing like hi-
Ryan:
What do you want, sisterfucker?
Gerik:
(ignoring the comment entirely) What you trying to hide, kid?
Ryan:
I’m eighteen, I ain’t a kid. And what’s it to you?
(Gerik offers his hand for him to get up. Ryan glares at the hand and gets up on his own. He turns round to check behind him, but his shirt is tucked into the gun, instead of in front of it. Gerik, without thinking, grabs it)
Ryan:
(jumping round, angrily) Give that back, faggot, what you think your doing goin’ down -
Gerik:
(checking the gun over) Does Liz know you have it?
(Ryan and Gerik glare at each other. Yelling is heard again, things like ‘he went this way!’ ‘lets get him!’, etc. Ryan’s already stunned face turns to shock. While he tries to walk past Gerik, forgetting all about the gun, Gerik reaches out, grabbing his arm)
Gerik:
Those kids after you?
Ryan:
(pausing for a moment, staring straight a head, then looking down) Yeah… kinda got into an argument with Hellboy…
Gerik:
(trying to cover a laugh badly) Hellboy? Movie obsessive by any chance?
Ryan:
(Through gritted teeth) I don’t care! He’s f*cking dangerous, and I’m gonna get killed if you don’t let me go.
Gerik:
(looking towards where the kids are coming from, frowning) They know where you live?
Ryan:
Yeah…
Gerik:
(searching through his pockets for a moment then, finding his keys, he lets go of Ryan and pushes the keys into Ryan’s chest, he is still staring straight ahead) Stay at mine. The address is on the keys.
(Ryan stares at the keys in his hands, then looks at Gerik)
Ryan:
Listen man, you don’t -
Gerik:
Just get lost, kid, I’ll be back there in two hours, so I don’t want any raves or anything.
Ryan:
(worriedly) you’re not gonna tell Liz about -
Gerik:
I’ll talk to you later, just get going before they get hold of you. I’m letting you coz you’re Liz’s cousin. (he looks at Ryan) Just get lost!
Ryan:
(grinning at Gerik, then jogging off stage right) Thanks man!
(Gerik watches him go for a moment, shaking his head, and walks on, hands in his pockets, gun hidden in waistbeand of jeans, staring as casually as he can straight ahead. The shouts get louder)
Gerik:
What the hell have I gotten myself into?!
(he exists stage left)
(end scene two)
(Scene 3)
(Hospital setting, a curtain downstage, with a hospital bed in the foreground, Joanna MacDonald in it, eating grapes from a bowl in her lap, dressed in a hospital gown. There’s a side table next to the bed. Gerik is sitting sideways to the bed talking to her)
Joanna:
(kindly) You just talk to him, you’ll set him right.
Gerik:
He doesn’t like me that much though, Gran. We kinda… got off on the wrong foot.
Joanna:
Then you can show him who you really are! Just talk to him, and don’t be patronizing. Teenagers hate that. He’s not a child any more.
Gerik:
(quietly) Doesn’t act like it.
Joanna:
(hitting him on the back of his head) I might be old, Gerik James MacDonald, but I am not deaf!
Gerik:
(chuckling) I know that… (he rubs the back of his head) all too well… (his grin fades)
Joanna:
That’s not all that’s bothering you is it? (Gerik shakes his head, staring at the floor straight ahead of them) You haven’t told her yet… have you?
Gerik:
Not yet…
Joanna:
You have to! She can’t carry on being left in the dark for goodness sake! She’s a grown woman, she deserves to know the truth. It’s not like you have AIDs or something.
Gerik:
(bitterly) I might as well do.
Joanna:
(bluntly and angrily) Infertility isn’t catching -
Gerik:
(in an angry whisper) Gran!
Joanna:
For heaven’s sake, lad! It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s not like it’s the most uncommon problem in the world.
Gerik:
But it’s so hard to tell the woman you love that she can’t have kids with you. I’m such a coward… even writing a letter to her is hard! I’ve written a million… all of them ended up on the floor…
Joanna:
(patting his arm gently) I know, laddie, I know… well… I don’t (Gerik hides a chuckle) but I can try to understand. (She smiles at him gently) Now I know you have better things to do than to come visit an old lady. Go sort out that kid.
Gerik:
(getting up, pulling her into a hug, then pulling away) I’ll be back tomorrow. The doctor says that you can leave in the next week.
Joanna:
(after making a distasteful face and noise) That doctor’s new, he knows nothing. I’ll be out in the next two days. And I want chocolate tomorrow, not grapes! I hate hospitals as it is.
Gerik:
(laughing properly) Yes, Gran, truffles as usual? (Joanna nods and Gerik leaves) God, I hope that kid hasn’t messed up the flat. Gerik’s bad enough . . . (Gerik exists stage left)
(light dims as Joanna leans her head back on the pillows smiling)
(end scene three)
(Scene 4)
(The flat is cluttered with books, news papers, pens, random written on pieces of paper. The two sofas are old and battered, one towards the back of the stage, the other adjacent back towards stage left. The TV is situated stage right. Ryan is sitting in the middle of the room, reading a piece of paper he has evidently found. There’s a banging at a door. Ryan looks up [towards stage left], hesitates, the door is banged at again he gets up and heads towards stage left to answer it. There is a moment of struggle, then both Gerik and Ryan stumble back in again.)
Ryan:
Stupid f*cking door! Bloody jammed…
Gerik:
Oi, no bad language in my house, thanks Ryan.
Ryan:
(rolling his eyes) Yes, Grandpa… who can finally say my name.
Gerik:
You be -
Ryan:
(he holds out the piece of paper, an indifferent look on his face) Did you write this?
Gerik:
(He grabs it, reading through it quickly, his eyes widening) Where’d you get this! This is private!
Ryan:
(shrugging) I found in on the floor (he gestures to the papers around). So when you gonna tell her?
Gerik:
Liz?
Ryan:
Yeah.
(Gerik sighs heavily, and sits on the farthest sofa, his hands covering his face as he leans back. The gun is visible at Gerik’s waistband, but Ryan has flopped to the other chair, picking up another piece of paper, eyes skimming it until Gerik talks)
Gerik:
Soon… I want to… but it’s so hard… I’ve already talked about this to my Gran-
Ryan:
And you don’t wanna talk about it to some kid that you hardly know. (he grins crookedly) I understand, man, don’t worry. Chill. I won’t tell her… (his face turns to a scowl) as long as you don’t tell her about… (he gestures at Gerik’s waistband)
Gerik:
(pulling out the gun, looking over it again, putting it next to him) This is different. You could kill someone with this. I’m not hurting anyone.
Ryan:
(angrily) ‘Cept Liz. She wants kids you know.
Gerik:
(heatedly) Don’t turn this round on me! I’m not going round waving a loaded gun.
Ryan:
(he jumps to his feet, angrily, glaring at him) It’s for my protection, MacDonald. And Liz’s! I know how to work it, it’s not like I’m waving it round stupidly. Dad’s taught me.
Gerik:
(shaking his head, putting the gun down next to him slowly) It’s a weapon, kid, that’s bad enough… I have no idea how you walk around with this thing! I keep thinking someone was going to search me!
Ryan:
(Rolling his eyes in disgust) Ugh… you’re as bad as the rest of them (he eyes the gun, still scowling) What you gonna do?
Gerik:
With the gun? (Ryan nods, stuffing his hands in his pockets) Probably give it back, I don’t want it! (Gerik looks between the gun and Ryan and holds out the weapon. Ryan looks taken aback as he reaches out to take the barrel. Gerik keeps hold of the gun) I want you to get rid of it. (Ryan opens his mouth, but Gerik carries on anyway) If you get rid of it, I won’t breath a word of this (he gestures with his head to the gun) to Liz.
Ryan:
I’ve got it to protect her! Hellboy (Gerik tries not to laugh at the name, Ryan seems to hide a smile as well) takes his anger out on family too. I’ve seen it. If they f*ck with me… this is the only way they’re gonna know I mean business… no one fucks with my family.
Gerik:
(Mildly) I told you to lay off the foul mouth
Ryan:
(Looking at him incredulously, as Gerik lets go of the gun) Dude… you’re insane…
Gerik:
(Still calm, leaning back as Ryan flops next to him, who looks the gun over) I am?
Ryan:
Yeah. You’re letting me off the hook… taking the piss outta my language-
Gerik:
I don’t like bad language
Ryan:
You’re not all bad, man… not as much of an idiot as I thought (Gerik grins, looking away from Ryan so he doesn’t see it) I’ll do you a deal (Gerik looks at him sharply) You tell Liz about your little problem by the end of next week, I’ll get rid of the gun. Deal?
Gerik:
(A moment’s pause as a thoughtful frown passes his face) Alright.
Ryan:
(Holding out his hand to Gerik) Deal?
Gerik:
As long as you leave the gun here so you won’t be tempted… (Ryan nods immediately. Gerik takes Ryan’s hand and shakes it) Deal.
(They grin at each other, let go, looking out at the audience. Ryan puts the gun next to him, not even thinking about it.)
Ryan:
(Quietly) Do you live with your Gran or something?
(They look at each other again, as they both start laughing, the lights go out)
(End scene four)
(Scene 5)
(Same setting as the first scene, in Liz’s flat. Minus the drink’s table, the music system is still there, the CDs are more messily arranged. There is a breakfast table in the middle of the room. A morning radio show is playing very softly in the background. Liz is standing, leaning against the table, reading the letter in her hand aloud)
Liz:
(casually, almost smiling) I don’t know how to tell you this babe - (pausing, she looks upset, almost angry) - but you’re in shit… You might think that your little Ryan Charlie Adams is just a mislead American chav, but believe me, he’s the one doing the leading. He’s fucked with me, babe, now it’s… (she trails off, her eyes widening, her voice shaking and stammering) my turn to f*ck with you. (she stops, and looks up blankly, the page shaking in her hand) RYAN CHARLES ADAMS!
(Ryan comes walking in, dressed only in his pyjama bottoms, his hair a mess, yawning, scratching the back of his head)
Ryan:
(very sleepily) Great wake up call, Liz… wassamatter… (he sits at the table with a thump)
Liz:
(Slamming the letter in front of him) Who in God’s name is Hellboy?!
Ryan:
(blearily) Huh…? Who? How’d you know…?
Liz:
Know?! KNOW?! (She starts shaking the letter in his face) A little thing called a Death Threat kinda clears certain things up!
Ryan:
(taking the note, skimming lazily) It’s ain’t a death threat… it’s a rape threat… nothin’ to worry about. (Liz rolls her eyes, looking up at the ceiling, then slaps him hard across the face) OW! (Ryan is very awake now) What was that for?!
Liz:
(Hands on her hips angrily) To wake you up. Now just… just think about what you said!
Ryan:
Which bit? (Liz just glares at him, tapping her foot impaiently) The rape note bit? (Liz nods hopefully, Ryan seems to get exasperated) They’re always empty threats. That’s kinda why they’re so common! (Liz snorts, looking very unimpressed. Understanding passes over Ryan, as his face becomes scared instead of cocky) In the States they are… (he trails off as his words truly hit him) You don’t get them a lot here do you…
Liz:
NO RYAN! WE DON’T!
(Ryan’s eyes are wide as he leans back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling in despair, running his fingers through his hair. Liz sits on the chair opposite him, covering her face with her hands. Ryan looks at her, then gets up suddenly, making his chair fall backwards. Liz looks up at him.)
Ryan:
You stay here. Don’t move. I don’\t want you killed. Or raped. Or… whatever! Just… stay… (he heads towards the door)
Liz:
(tiredly) Where you going?
Ryan:
(Almost at the door, not looking at her, staring straight ahead) To sort this out. (he reaches out for the door.)
Liz:
Ryan?
Ryan:
(standing still) What?
Liz:
Get dressed.
(Ryan stops, looks down at himself and grins sheepishly at Liz and walks towards stage right instead.)
(Lights dim as Liz puts her head on the table.)
(end scene five)
(Scene 6)
(In Gerik’s flat, the papers are tidied up on the sofa that faces the audience, but the books still all over the place. Gerik is in his casual jeans [only], his shirt on one of the couches as he paces)
Gerik:
(grinning) Liz, I don’t know how to tell you this babe… but I’m infertile. (Grin slips off his face as he groans) And I wanna throw a party to celebrate! (He looks thoughtful for a moment) Liz, I - (there’s frantic knocking at the door) - am going to have to come back to this later… (the knocking doesn’t stop as he pulls the shirt on quickly) I’m coming! (the knocking is still going, not giving him time to do up his shirt. He walks over to pull the door open, stage left. The door swings open suddenly, knocking the door into Gerik’s nose, knocking him back onto the floor. Ryan walks in dressed in baggy jeans, a loose hoodie and a cap pulled low over his eyes. Ryan slams the door shut, taking off his cap, movements quick and frantic. Gerik is on the floor clutching his nose, complaining)
Ryan:
Gerry, man - we got a a problem! (he frowns down at Gerik, and offers his hand down for Gerik to help him up) What you doing on the floor?
Gerik:
(as though through a blocked nose) Just having a kip so the door slams into my face. You know, just for fun. Damn my nose hurts!
Ryan:
(exasperatedly) Dude, f*ck the nose, it’s -
Gerik:
(muttering) Easy for some …
Ryan:
(Grabbing the collar of Gerik’s un-done shirt) IT’S LIZ, YOU f"cker!
Gerik:
I told you I - WHAT! (leaping up) What about her, what’s happened? Is she hurt? (grabs Ryan’s shirt) If your connections have got to her, I’ll -
Ryan:
(pushing him off) Gerik, calm the f*ck down! (Gerik walks to the other end of the room, panting in anger) Liz just received a threat, OK, nothing’ too harsh. Rape threats are very rarely -
Gerik:
RAPE THREAT?! Ryan, please tell me that cracking my face off the door is making me hallucinate!
Ryan:
(stepping towards him) Wish it were, man. But you and I are gonna sort this out. (Gerik glares at him) Give me the gun. I’ll end it.
Gerik:
(both sarcastic and angry) Oh, great plan. Go and shoot the gangster! Because that won’t get us killed!
Ryan:
Nothing like that, idiot! I’m gonna get rid of the gun, then tell Hellboy where he can stick his threats. Might shove my foot in the right place, let him know where it is . . .
Gerik:
You think that’ll work, Ryan? You’re eighteen -
Ryan:
(cutting him off) Yeah - old enough to make my own decisions.
(they stare at each other for a few moments, then Gerik sighs. He goes off-stage for a few seconds to retrieve the gun. Coming back, he slowly holds out the gun [after examining it] for Ryan to take. Before he can do so, Gerik’s phone rings. Putting the gun in his waistband, he answers it.)
Gerik:
Hello?
Liz:
(on phone, breathing heavily, speaking quickly, fearful) Gerry, it’s me, Liz! Call the police! Help me, find Ryan and -
(the phone is cut off, the dial tone loud. Gerik’s eyes are wide as he slowly lowers the phone from his ear. Ryan is just as shocked. After a few moments of tense silence, Gerik lunges for the door. Ryan grabs him and pushes him back)
Ryan:
Gerik, don’t!
Gerik:
Don’t?! DON’T! Ryan, you of all people should know when the word ‘don’t’ gets VERY redundant!
(lunges again, again pushed back)
Ryan:
If you go out there, you will be shot dead! You think you can take on Hellboy’s gang?!
Gerik
(pause) They screw my girlfriend . . . They screw with me
(runs for the door again)
Ryan:
No!
(Ryan intercepts him. There is a brawl between them, the gun switching hands several times. Eventually, they both have hold of the gun at the same time and are struggling for it. In their struggle, the gun is pointed upwards and shot. All the lights go off as if the bullet shot them out. The audience can hear scuffles of a fight briefly, then another gun shot, a thud to the floor. Silence.)
THE END
Thanks for reading.