Jakazul
Rank 0 (Total Newbie)
To the ends of the earth.
Posts: 43
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Post by Jakazul on Jul 28, 2006 22:01:07 GMT -5
I'd highly appreciate any and all comments, tell me what you think.
Come Tonight
Well there's dye stains on her pillows, Speaking louder than words. Black clothes on the table that, Drive her mother absurd. And there's eye liner in the mirror, Almost as thick as the walls. A cell phone and a messenger, But no one will call.
Tonight, the curtains are reminders, That some things should be kept in. Just like the open windows, So that they will never know when. She's going in and out and, It's back on the town. The music goes up whenever, The tears go down.
It's just a silent rebellion, From a world that's too cold. And all the words in her notebook, Are now used and old. Just like the drugs and the guys, And the scenes that get lame. She's wanting to reconsider, How she could be tamed.
But it's too late for change, When she's sneaking outside. And it all comes together now, She's falling apart come tonight.
It all comes together now, She's falling apart come tonight.
There's shadows in the corner, That make her feel at home. Because they're silent echoes of, Her inner gloom. And there's an emptiness inside of her, She's waiting for something just right. And it all comes together now, She's falling apart come tonight.
It all comes together now, She's falling apart come tonight.
Copyright Jake Fox 2006, All Rights Reserved
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Erik
Rank 7 (Ooooh! Look, Fungus!)
Minijohn
Posts: 1,396
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Post by Erik on Jul 28, 2006 22:11:59 GMT -5
A very beautiful if not slightly depressing poem. I love your use of repetition and the story, whilst familliar, is very true. You capture the emotion and reality of this girl's life very competently and it would be interesting to know more about it. I love how she can't go back now, despite how much she wants to. That tragic inevibility really struck me. A very compelling poem showing two sides of a complex person.
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Jakazul
Rank 0 (Total Newbie)
To the ends of the earth.
Posts: 43
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Post by Jakazul on Jul 29, 2006 22:09:38 GMT -5
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it and that it succeded in portraying both sides.
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Post by Donald Duck on Jul 31, 2006 21:43:10 GMT -5
it's very good i like it!
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