Emo Kid- I've loved you until now

[Erik]

Well this is just a short little poem I've just written about a person going through difficult times. It's entitled Emo Kid in honour to my avatar<<<<< but don't worry I'm not anything like the character! ;D I'll leave you to make what you will of it, but the ending and fifth verse do have suggestions of what happens next. I thoght it was about time (after a couple of days) for me to actually post something worth reading!

Well here it is Emo Kid- I've loved you until now
Enjoy

~

Emo Kid- I’ve loved you until now

I stare outside my window,
Letting life just past me by,
My thoughts so dull and empty,
I brush a tear from my eye.

I think of what could be,
And of what’s beyond my reach,
So desperate for a kindly face,
Yet incapable of speech.

My world is now in tatters,
I have lost all that did count,
It feels like nothing matters,
My world is fall of doubt.

I think of how I got here,
Of how it came to this,
I think of times from long ago,
With those that now I miss.

I move out from the limelight,
I breathe a heavy sigh,
The curtain falls around me,
Yet I’ll end not on a high.

I step back from the dusty pane,
I think and I reflect,
I wish that I could have it back,
The life that now is wrecked

Yet I must come together now,
To take my final bow
For long ago I made a vow,
I’ve loved you, until now.

[Deleted]

sounds exactly like an emo!! I need matt to read this now.... heh heh

It's really good. Evokes feelings and also a clear image in the reader's head. nice one! ;D

[Angie]

Things that need to be improved:

"Kindly face" sounds funny.

"All that did count" sounds forced for flow.

The rhyming seems to come natural in most places, but when you had to force it in "not on a high", it's a little too obvious.

The rhyming and flow both get a little shaky in the last stanzas.

I don't think the change in rhyme scheme quite fits in the last stanza.

Your punctuation's not perfect in places, by the way.

~

Now for the good stuff. Like I said, the rhyming seems to come natural in the first half or so, and when I write poetry (which I gave up on long ago), it always seems so forced. I can tell you have a talent for making it sound normal. Nice rhyme scheme choice, and the wording everywhere that I didn't mention is very good. Very good job.

[Erik]

Thanks guys! I'll try and get around to making some changes to it later as yes some of it does seem rather forced. Glad you liked the rhyming scheme Angie and it's good to know it doesn't seem too forced. I reckon I'll keep the last stanza as it stands though as I just rather like it! Lol

[AshVersion2]

Tres bien! I agree with what Dougie said - you got the emo thing across, for sure. And yeah, sometimes it doesn't flow quite right, but I think that the feeling that it invokes makes it matter less.

[SapphireBird]

I liked this. It reminds me of a poem that I'm not finished writing. I really liked the flow of it, but this line
"I brush a tear from my eye."
seems to have too many syllables. It's kinda like a break in the flow, but other than that very good.