I Left To The Sound

[AshVersion2]

A (very) old one of mine - and I haven't improved. It was on page 11 of the old Guild when I found it!

I Left To The Sound

I left to the sound of beating drums
The death toll which I feared to hear
And yet the day has come

I left to the sound of the mockingbird
Not his song, but strangled cry
In the future he won't be heard

I left to the sound of felling trees
I left to the sound of polluted seas
I left to the sound of falling bombs
I left to the sound of deafened song
I left to the sound of hopeless fears
I left to the sound of childrens' tears

This is the future you have made

I died to the sound of my bleeding heart
It was inevitable
You made me part

I am Love
I am Peace
I am Democracy

[Cy Skywalker]

Aw...*is depressed*
Your rhythm is quite nice in the beginning, but when it changes it breaks. Very good thoughts and an intriuging beginning. I thought these phrases : "hopeless fears...children's tears" were a bit too typical. Evocative.

[scarecrow]

I disagree wholeheartedly with Skywalker. I found it to be very fluid, it had a statement to make and it made it without being cliched. It didn't depress me like it did Cy, but it did make me feel a spot of pity for the way things are going in the world. The imagery is what really got to me, and imagining the strangled cry of a mockingbird made me want to go out and do something to stop The Sound from chasing away everything else that's good and right. Nice work.

[AshVersion2]

Thanks, to both of you.

[Angie]

I've always meant to read this, so here goes!

I left to the sound of beating drums
The death toll which I feared to hear
And yet the day has come

I left to the sound of the mockingbird
Not his song, but strangled cry - This is kind of an awkward line
In the future he won't be heard - I think you need to replace "in the future" with something slightly more poetic or ominous.

I left to the sound of felling trees - Do you mean falling?
I left to the sound of polluted seas
I left to the sound of falling bombs
I left to the sound of deafened song
I left to the sound of hopeless fears
I left to the sound of childrens' tears - Nice rhyming in this stanza.

This is the future you have made

I died to the sound of my bleeding heart
It was inevitable - This line sounds like it should be longer.
You made me part - This one's slightly awkward.

I am Love
I am Peace
I am Democracy

Don't forget to try to put in some punctuation here and there. Anyway, I like this. You really get the tone across effectively. Good job.

[AshVersion2]

Cheers. ;D

[scarecrow]

I think she really did mean felling trees there. It would be redundant to use falling twice, and felling is grammatically correct. Isn't it?

EDIT: fell - v. - to make fall by striking; cut or knock down. e.g. fell a tree.

[Angie]

Ah, I wasn't aware of that. Awesome.

[AshVersion2]

Woot, yay, my grammer isn't as bad as I thought! Well, in this one case at least.