God talked to me today...(R)

[SapphireBird]

God talked to me today,
And I could tell he wasn't pleased.
He said I should just stop it all,
Before I get diseased.

He said I should put down te pills,
That made me feel like shit
He explained I would be happier.
Not only for a bit.

He said, 'I know you'll be alright,
If you could only see.'
I laughed at this, and then I said,
'But God, you don't know me.'

He smiled and said 'That's where you're wrong,
I've held you all this time.
Through your times of sadness,
Through those times of crime'

But in the end, I knew he was right,
So I did what he said.
I called my boss and quit my job;
The payment for my bed.

Then I put down the pills I was taking,
I put down the shit I was drinking,
I put down the phone I called 'him' with,
I put down the ciggarette I was smoking.

Then I picked up my gun...

[AshVersion2]

Woah . . . nice work! It's really powerful, especially that ending. Nice job! However, the rhyme scheme in the last stanza is a little dodgy, to me anyway.

[SapphireBird]

It wasn't supposed to have one. I did that one purpose.

[Angie]

You are truly still the wonderful poet I remember you as. Hey, dudes, if you like Saph's poetry, remember that she is in the top three of the guild's original best poets, along with Craven and Bard, so read all of their stuff if you get the chance! ;D

I like how you seem to know just how to word things. However, your flow gets uneven in places. Your most common method of doing it in this particular piece seems to be long line, medium line, lone line, medium line. You might try rewriting it so that all of the stanzas go that way; I think it would really help the flow.

[Emily]

I love the four stanzas, and the ending is very powerful. It's a truly great poem!

But my only criticism is the last two stanzas don't seem to flow as well. If it's for effect, then I think I works well, but if it's supposed to go with the rest of the poem (I'm unsure if so or if not ) then maybe you should consider re-wording some bits.

But otherwise, it's a beautiful poem, much much better than I could do anyday!

[skittlestiger]

it's very nice, it's hard to write such a powerful poem without rhyming it, good job!

[SapphireBird]

Thanks. I don't usually rhyme when I write. It's easier not too, but not as poetic, for lack of a better word.

[Cy Skywalker]

Very powerfull indeed, and depressing, and well worded/rhythmed enough.

[johnsapphire]

Excellent work. The dark colour was well executed. It reminds me of The Picture of Dorian Gray (if you haven't read it, you should). I have always been partial to the ABCB and ABCBDB rhyming structures. You might look into the syllable structures in the future to ensure a metred fluency. Knowing you, though, you probably wrote the words in that fashion for a very specific reason.

[eakyra]

Wow... thats all I can muster to say right now. It seemed like such a happy ending story and then... BAM! I love poems like that.

[SapphireBird]

admin said:

Hey, dudes, if you like Saph's poetry, remember that she is in the top three of the guild's original best poets, along with Craven and Bard, so read all of their stuff if you get the chance! ;D

*blushes* I.....am?

[johnsapphire]

Tu es?

[johnsapphire]

Excellent work, Sapphy , except c'est français! Ton français est affreux!

[johnsapphire]

I said, "Excellent work, Sapphy (wink), except this is (c'est) french (français)! Your french (ton français) is terrible! (est affreux)"

[johnsapphire]

Really? I had no idea! Hey, everyone! Sapphy thought I was speaking spanish! Je ne parle pas Spanish. C'est trés dégoûtant. As languages go.