SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
|
Post by SapphireBird on Aug 12, 2006 1:53:00 GMT -5
God talked to me today, And I could tell he wasn't pleased. He said I should just stop it all, Before I get diseased.
He said I should put down te pills, That made me feel like shit He explained I would be happier. Not only for a bit.
He said, 'I know you'll be alright, If you could only see.' I laughed at this, and then I said, 'But God, you don't know me.'
He smiled and said 'That's where you're wrong, I've held you all this time. Through your times of sadness, Through those times of crime'
But in the end, I knew he was right, So I did what he said. I called my boss and quit my job; The payment for my bed.
Then I put down the pills I was taking, I put down the shit I was drinking, I put down the phone I called 'him' with, I put down the ciggarette I was smoking.
Then I picked up my gun...
|
|
|
Post by AshVersion2 on Aug 12, 2006 13:58:41 GMT -5
Woah . . . nice work! It's really powerful, especially that ending. Nice job! However, the rhyme scheme in the last stanza is a little dodgy, to me anyway.
|
|
SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
|
Post by SapphireBird on Aug 12, 2006 18:10:26 GMT -5
It wasn't supposed to have one. I did that one purpose.
|
|
|
Post by Angie on Aug 17, 2006 17:03:53 GMT -5
You are truly still the wonderful poet I remember you as. Hey, dudes, if you like Saph's poetry, remember that she is in the top three of the guild's original best poets, along with Craven and Bard, so read all of their stuff if you get the chance! ;D I like how you seem to know just how to word things. However, your flow gets uneven in places. Your most common method of doing it in this particular piece seems to be long line, medium line, lone line, medium line. You might try rewriting it so that all of the stanzas go that way; I think it would really help the flow.
|
|
|
Post by Emily on Aug 18, 2006 15:35:06 GMT -5
I love the four stanzas, and the ending is very powerful. It's a truly great poem! But my only criticism is the last two stanzas don't seem to flow as well. If it's for effect, then I think I works well, but if it's supposed to go with the rest of the poem (I'm unsure if so or if not ) then maybe you should consider re-wording some bits. But otherwise, it's a beautiful poem, much much better than I could do anyday!
|
|
|
Post by skittlestiger on Aug 19, 2006 14:42:07 GMT -5
it's very nice, it's hard to write such a powerful poem without rhyming it, good job!
|
|
SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
|
Post by SapphireBird on Aug 20, 2006 23:53:33 GMT -5
Thanks. I don't usually rhyme when I write. It's easier not too, but not as poetic, for lack of a better word.
|
|
|
Post by Cy Skywalker on Aug 24, 2006 18:48:05 GMT -5
Very powerfull indeed, and depressing, and well worded/rhythmed enough.
|
|
|
Post by johnsapphire on Sept 30, 2006 13:48:54 GMT -5
Excellent work. The dark colour was well executed. It reminds me of The Picture of Dorian Gray (if you haven't read it, you should). I have always been partial to the ABCB and ABCBDB rhyming structures. You might look into the syllable structures in the future to ensure a metred fluency. Knowing you, though, you probably wrote the words in that fashion for a very specific reason.
|
|
|
Post by eakyra on Sept 30, 2006 14:17:15 GMT -5
Wow... thats all I can muster to say right now. It seemed like such a happy ending story and then... BAM! I love poems like that.
|
|
SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
|
Post by SapphireBird on Nov 10, 2006 20:27:23 GMT -5
Hey, dudes, if you like Saph's poetry, remember that she is in the top three of the guild's original best poets, along with Craven and Bard, so read all of their stuff if you get the chance! ;D *blushes* I.....am?
|
|
|
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 10, 2006 21:22:25 GMT -5
Tu es?
|
|
|
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 11, 2006 18:42:42 GMT -5
Excellent work, Sapphy , except c'est français! Ton français est affreux!
|
|
|
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 12, 2006 14:03:04 GMT -5
I said, "Excellent work, Sapphy (wink), except this is (c'est) french (français)! Your french (ton français) is terrible! (est affreux)"
|
|
|
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 12, 2006 15:09:42 GMT -5
Really? I had no idea! Hey, everyone! Sapphy thought I was speaking spanish! Je ne parle pas Spanish. C'est trés dégoûtant. As languages go.
|
|