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9/11
Sept 11, 2006 14:48:00 GMT -5
Post by Gil Alexander on Sept 11, 2006 14:48:00 GMT -5
In memory of all who lost their lives. (revised version in a future post)
Yellow, empassioned birds across the ocean Look up to the west, set their wings in motion They soar through the clotted, crowded clouds Is it intentional?. They're buying our funeral shrouds.
They're through the mist of memories and use it like air Pushing on the bottom of their feathers; that black mare That heels the ground, blowing dust through the gate Devoid of reason, their love-filled hearts show hate.
Up ahead, though the clouds and through the forest, They see the hollow spot where the eagle took rest. And with a terrific squawk and a terrible neigh Their feathers fly, but they have nothing to say.
They still don't today.
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9/11
Sept 11, 2006 17:11:41 GMT -5
Post by Angie on Sept 11, 2006 17:11:41 GMT -5
The lines are pretty long, so that makes it a little awkward to rhyme, but other than that it's great. I still can't believe it's been five years; it still feels like yesterday. . .
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9/11
Sept 12, 2006 14:21:09 GMT -5
Post by Cy Skywalker on Sept 12, 2006 14:21:09 GMT -5
Aw! Excellent, haunting imagery, though some of it is too vague to get a clear picture of the home tragedy.
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9/11
Sept 12, 2006 17:05:59 GMT -5
Post by Gil Alexander on Sept 12, 2006 17:05:59 GMT -5
Thanks, guys. I'm in the middle of revising it, and will repost the next draft.
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9/11
Sept 12, 2006 20:24:24 GMT -5
Post by rubus on Sept 12, 2006 20:24:24 GMT -5
it's soo scary! i never really thought of it until now.
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scarecrow
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Posts: 408
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9/11
Sept 12, 2006 22:12:52 GMT -5
Post by scarecrow on Sept 12, 2006 22:12:52 GMT -5
I'm so, so dumb. I've read it and read it and read it, and I still don't get it. I don't get what the birds are symbols for and I don't get what this poem's message is about the events.
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9/11
Sept 13, 2006 11:35:15 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Sept 13, 2006 11:35:15 GMT -5
If I hadnt read the title and known that it was ment for 9/11, I wouldnt have known what the poem was about. I think the concenpt you were going for is fantastic, and the poem in itself has great imagry, but I personally cant see the resemblance to September 11.
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9/11
Sept 13, 2006 15:47:27 GMT -5
Post by Gil Alexander on Sept 13, 2006 15:47:27 GMT -5
Here's the revised version:
Yellow, impassioned birds From across the ocean Look up to the west, Set their wings in motion.
They soar through the clotted, Crowded clouds. With their beaks they hold open Our funeral shrouds
They're through the mist Of memories - it's air Pushing on their feathers - Now; a black mare.
That heels the ground Blowing dust through the gate Devoid of reason, their Love-filled hearts show hate.
Dipping down the sky And into our forest They see the hollow spot Where the eagle found rest.
And with a terrific squawk And a terrible neigh Feathers fly but They have nothing to say: They still don't today.
How is this connected to 9/11? Well, the eagle represents America, and it's being attacked by the other bird/mare. I guess the "point" of this is to show how us Americans AND Al Qaida (sp?) didn't really look at any other way to settle much beyond violence, hence the last line. *nods*
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9/11
Sept 14, 2006 1:02:00 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Sept 14, 2006 1:02:00 GMT -5
I love the revised version. I can see the resemblance more. Especially with the black mare and the eagles nest and hollow spot. Great job Gilly.
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scarecrow
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Posts: 408
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9/11
Sept 14, 2006 16:37:20 GMT -5
Post by scarecrow on Sept 14, 2006 16:37:20 GMT -5
I'm still not seeing the correlation, but that's just me. The poem itself has very solemn, moody imagery that really set tone, and it made me feel all hollow inside about the way things are going in the world. I think that I would have enjoyed it much more if it was less vague in relation to what it's talking about, but it was excellent nonetheless. Wonderfully saddening, and like everything you write, very smart and thought-provoking. A-.
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9/11
Sept 14, 2006 19:08:25 GMT -5
Post by Gil Alexander on Sept 14, 2006 19:08:25 GMT -5
Thanks, guys.
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9/11
Sept 16, 2006 13:44:39 GMT -5
Post by Cy Skywalker on Sept 16, 2006 13:44:39 GMT -5
It's still vague, but both versions are very pretty and the symbolism is there if you know where to look for it.
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9/11
Sept 17, 2006 17:38:56 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Sept 17, 2006 17:38:56 GMT -5
It is still vague, but not as much.
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