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Post by eakyra on Sept 28, 2006 22:45:19 GMT -5
This poem was everyones favorite of mine in the old guild. I thought I'd bring it here for the new people to read. And I just like it alot.
Teddy Bear By: Carmen Howrey
Soft brown fur Worn old throughout the years All the time spent playing And the hugs to quiet the tears His eyes are large black buttons Sewn on with a delicate touch Knowing the joy a bear could bring How something little could mean so much The games were played for many hours And time was never ending with his miss’ Soon, as the clock dragged on So ended this timeless bliss Cast away in a corner Aside all the memories long gone These eyes gaze endlessly with hope For one more chance to belong To be held for long hours With such a loving embrace To be hugged and tenderly groomed To quiet the tears from her face And there she is again All grown and wondering not About her poor brown teddy bear The friend she had forgot She turns her eyes his way O’ heaven the glow in her eyes But she turns away again Her feelings all a’ lies His heart begins to die
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 9, 2006 20:35:49 GMT -5
Again, that happy-at-beginning/sad-at-end theme is not well executed. I don't care for the theme at all, personally, but if you could at least refrain from fragments ("Soft brown fur worn old throughout the years", "All the time spent playing and the hugs to quiet the tears". If you'd separate the stanzas, that would also be nice, (just presentation). And probably most of all, if you have four line stanzas in an ABCB pattern (which is what it looks like you have), try to use the same number of syllables in corrosponding lines.
Comment on my play!
JS
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Post by The Observer on Oct 9, 2006 20:55:08 GMT -5
I like the feeling. It is quaint and beautiful and just a little sad. I'm not quite as picky about form and stanza, and I'm jsut as much a criminal when it comes to fragments, but the uneven syllables do make it a little difficult to read. Overall, I like the idea, just a little difficult to read. Thank you for posting it.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 9, 2006 22:55:57 GMT -5
Wow, I feel like I got slapped in the face and then hugged all at the same time. John I love your honesty and appreciate it. But it would also be nice if you could say ONE nice thing about it... I understand what you mean about the stanza's and syllables. I'll work on it. I dont try and perfect everything I write. I dont go back and nitpick it to death until its perfect. To me that almost defeats the purpose. I mean, its fine to make it better. But poetry is fluid expression, and when you go back and edit it, alot of times it takes away from that beauty and depth that you get from just sitting down and writting something. Thanks though. ;D OB, thanks for your comment aswell, it always makes me happy when people comment on my poetry. Thank you!!!!
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 10, 2006 12:04:19 GMT -5
This has pretty nice imagery. Some 'scenes' are timed wrong; if it were a book, I would say certain things (here, when the girl comes back) need to be described more to be proportional to the total work, whereas the middle section about the bear's dreams is rather long and makes the theme vaguer than it should be. The last sentance isn't too specific...I think I would have worded it differently only in reference to what a teddy bear is. It wouldn't have a 'heart' exactly like a human. Can you think of a different sort of tragedy, like the Velveteen Rabbit's physical Real? I think that the rhythm is fine.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 10, 2006 15:09:45 GMT -5
Thanks you guys for all your comments. On the old Guild everyone just said it was awesome and they teared up. Obviously it needs some work. And I couldnt have found that without you. Thank you!
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Post by Emily on Oct 10, 2006 15:14:46 GMT -5
I dont try and perfect everything I write. I dont go back and nitpick it to death until its perfect. To me that almost defeats the purpose. I mean, its fine to make it better. But poetry is fluid expression, and when you go back and edit it, alot of times it takes away from that beauty and depth that you get from just sitting down and writting something. Eh. Strange - I wrote almost exactly the same thing on another thread But I totally agree with you. I think I commented on this in the Old Guild - And I really enjoyed reading it. There are a couple of places where the poem doesn't tend to flow, i.e. one too many sylables, but apart from that, I can't offer much improvement. Bittersweet yet cute and cuddly. What more could I want?
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Post by Emily on Oct 10, 2006 15:17:14 GMT -5
I guess... I'm more of a happy go lucky person when it comes to anything creative. I don't take any of it seriously, not even my artwork, which I adore. I never take much time on my poetry, I'll write it, ajust it, and if it seems to flow I'll be content, but I never spend too long perfecting any of it. But. The reason why I'm afraid of posting my poetry on the internet, is because of the people who take poetry etc very seriously, and critique it harshly (I'm all up for constructive criticism, of any form) and make you ajust the whole thing again, and again, so it is perfect, but loses its original charm or characteristic. Anyway, Life story over ;D There
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Post by eakyra on Oct 10, 2006 15:20:32 GMT -5
That is strange.
Thanks Fallen. It was nice to hear something good about it. Well, more good than the others were. NOT SAYING THEY WERENT GOOD.... O'... *digs a hole*
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 10, 2006 15:30:56 GMT -5
*drops a P'WETTY FLOWER down the hole*
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Post by The Observer on Oct 10, 2006 19:00:21 GMT -5
Another hole! yipeee!
*jumps down and joins in the digging*
come on guys! Join the fun and cheer up Eakyra!
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Post by Emily on Oct 10, 2006 19:08:52 GMT -5
I 'tink I squashed Eaky...
It's someone's fault... *glares at something and points around in a circle*
Mmmhuh.....
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Post by The Observer on Oct 10, 2006 19:11:49 GMT -5
oh no...my bad. Sorry. I hurt Eaky *sniff* Wait! I can fix it! *waves magic staff over squished Eakyra and makes her unsquished* There! I fixed it ;D
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 10, 2006 19:39:33 GMT -5
I don't tell you what you do well. That's the job of everyone else. I show you every place you must improve. All in all, I think mine are twelve times more constructive than most other reviews. But they don't make you feel good. That's what most everyone else does. Mr./Ms./Dr./Ld./Rev./Maestro Observer seems to have taken after me, though.
*beams with pride*
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Post by Emily on Oct 10, 2006 19:44:04 GMT -5
Eh... I guess it's like having a harsher but more constructive version of my English Teacher... (I'm not indicating this as a bad thing, I happen to love my English Teacher, even if he is absolutely ferocious at times) Maybe when I'm feeling brave, I may post some of my 'poetry' on here, just to test if I am still standing after a review from yourself, JS
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