|
Requiem
Oct 3, 2006 14:55:22 GMT -5
Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 3, 2006 14:55:22 GMT -5
A little bit for Jan Durseema, but mostly for...Mr. Lucas and Mr. Hamill, I guess. But mostly for Kora.
Aquamarillion is not a real word. It means that kind of blue you get when deep blue water looks like it has sunlight from both sides.
Anamnesis is a real word, amazingly enough. It means memory.
Pray tell me what knowing these things does to your experiencing this poem.
Requiem (ohhowistillovethe--oh look, a keyword.)
Oh tears you
have been beckoned by gentle hands.
Says warmth, cry for me--
I’ve won
worth all sheddings.
Oh, tears, quiet
you deserve no more than
that sounds which books make;
acoustics in the aquamarillion
pool nestled
in our minds.
I hear the raining
like commas tear-rain drops
into your mammal hands.
You kneel
transparently clear-cutting (me).
Still these words, you say.
They will forge only more tears,
in a Thor’s fire of anamnesis.
Teach me, no tears
how to be reassured
by how men in fiction
are almost immortal.
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 3, 2006 23:00:03 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Oct 3, 2006 23:00:03 GMT -5
Another peice of fine work.
I think It started off slow, but as I kept reading, I began to see the deeper meaning behind the tears. How this wasnt some sobby sob sob poem, but an expression of a soul. This is what most of your poems turn out to be Cy. I think you need to do some capitalization in a few places. I must say that knowing what the words meant, made everything clearer and made the whole poem more mysterious and beautiful. Both of those words, real or not, are so vivid and flow beautifully. They make me daze off.
Wonderful.
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 4, 2006 20:19:19 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Oct 4, 2006 20:19:19 GMT -5
I apologize, Eakyra, but I must disagree with you, at least on some points. True, there probably was deep meaning, but I found the organization to be careless, if downright sloppy. Some of the metaphors were a bit of a stretch, and some I didn't get at all.
"I hear the raining/like commas tear-rain drops/into your mammal hands you kneel/transparently."
'I hear the raining like commas' is rather perplexing. Do you imply that commas have a similar shape as raindrops? Or that commas sound like raindrops? 'Like' is by far my least favorite preposition, because it is so unspecific and general. Also, by the by, the aforementioned quote is a run on sentence because it has two (very awkward) clauses joined by no sort of conjunction or comma, and not separated by a form of punctuation.
All of the above concerns are but suggestions. You do, of course, have poetic license to whatever you want. I am somewhat traditional in my grammar and stylizes, so take that into consideration. In conclusion, the poem has potential. Polish it.
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 4, 2006 23:32:27 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Oct 4, 2006 23:32:27 GMT -5
I've accepted that Cy's poems are dissorganized and just set up weird. Thats just how she does it.
And I still stand by what I said. The comma and the raindrops thing I thought was quite profound and unique.
|
|
|
Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 5, 2006 8:37:54 GMT -5
I think It started off slow, but as I kept reading, I began to see the deeper meaning behind the tears. How this wasnt some sobby sob sob poem, but an expression of a soul. This is what most of your poems turn out to be Cy. That's really nice, Eaky. Commas fall like raindrops. Did you ever listen to them? Did you ever look at a page full of them and see the raining? (What this really means is that I love metafiction. Yeah, it's wierd. I just see that that's what commas ought to be, you know...apostraphes too.) I don't often watch for things like that in poems, cause I'm not real serious about them. Nor am I traditional. Rhythm determines whether something is a run-on or not, even if it's not a complete sentance...thanks for the pointing out on this though.
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 5, 2006 13:09:31 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Oct 5, 2006 13:09:31 GMT -5
Your welcome Cy. I always look forward to your poetry. And you honor me when you critique mine. ;D
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 5, 2006 20:30:02 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Oct 5, 2006 20:30:02 GMT -5
Rhythm determines whether something is a run-on or not, even if it's not a complete sentance... No, and no. Rhythm determines if something 'feels' finished, but I could not detect trace of a meter in your poem, yet perhaps that was because I didn't hear it aloud. A run-on sentence consists of two or more main clauses that are run together without proper punctuation (i.e. a comma+conjunction or semicolon). Your poem had multiple run-on sentences in it, and several fragments. Not to diminish your artistic voice, but grammar was invented so we could all understand each other. I think slang is nothing more or less than lack of desire or capacity, in your case probably desire, to use what society think of as correct and good English. As I said before, if you were to get rid of all your grammar issues (easier said than done, but you shouldn't have difficulty with that) your poem would go from an enigma of sequential feelings described in awkward detail to a polished and proper poem discussing powerful emotions in a structured, potent manner.
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 5, 2006 23:14:02 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Oct 5, 2006 23:14:02 GMT -5
I have to admit that he is a very good critique... person. But im staying out of this one for now.
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 6, 2006 22:45:49 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Oct 6, 2006 22:45:49 GMT -5
I have to admit that he is a very good critique... person. Why thank you!
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 6, 2006 23:29:56 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Oct 6, 2006 23:29:56 GMT -5
Lol your welcome. Why does it seem that everyones starting to bow to me... Its creepy.
|
|
|
Requiem
Oct 7, 2006 11:06:27 GMT -5
Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 7, 2006 11:06:27 GMT -5
Not bowing, just thanking, yes?
I'll think about this poem more--maybe. It could use some periods, couldn't it...*edits* I just did it in this moment of emotion though. You can't really tell what it's about specifically, right, cause I get vague when I get nervous...?
Hmm...
|
|