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Post by eakyra on Oct 10, 2006 23:44:25 GMT -5
I really love this poem. It just came to me one day and flowed. I hope you enjoy the meaning of it. When this is on paper, the structure is much more ... structured. But go ahead and have your way with it. I absolutly adore this poem though.
The Other Side By: Carmen Marie Howrey
Some people say, that the grass is greener on the other side. So one day I decided to go, and see what was there for me to find.
I climbed many mountains, and stormed the timeless plain. I swam the largest lakes, and came across my domain.
There I stood, and gazed upon the land. Soon I realized it was paler here, and everything was bland.
The trees were unorthodox and colorless, their leaves a heavy black. The sky was clouded gray, of happiness did it lack.
The people here were hard and cold, ruthless and obscene. But worst of all I thought, The grass wasnt even green.
So there I stood, heartbroken, and no sooner had I cried; that the thought occurred to me, I was already on the other side.
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 11, 2006 6:59:51 GMT -5
Nice. Though I've heard that before, you rehash it. (Doesn't everyone rehash everything, through their own personality...)I really like some phrases ("and stormed the timeless plain.") and the rhythm is fast-paced. "and came across my domain." stuck out a little because I wondered why the narrator referred to "the other side" as 'mine'.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 11, 2006 14:25:57 GMT -5
THANK YOU CY!!!!!!!! I understand what you mean about the 'My'. I'll change it, but too me, "the domain." takes away from it somehow. Ideas?
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 11, 2006 21:09:43 GMT -5
Nice idea, Eakyra, but poor execution. The lines didn't have any flow that I could follow, though, and were very awkward. The rhymes all seemed quite forced, as though they didn't come naturally. "of happiness did it lack." for instance, just brims with awkwardness.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 11, 2006 23:02:22 GMT -5
Really? Because this poem flowed unto the paper from my hand as if by magic. It just came. Atleast you like the idea. What is wrong with the flow exactly? I seem to have a problem with this...
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 13, 2006 13:45:17 GMT -5
"of happiness did it lack" (as "I gazed upon the land")seems an illustration of style, to me. The poem has a bit of the feel of an older adventure/epic poem, and so it is going to be slightly stiff.
Why ever is there a poorly spelled Brittany Spears quote under the boards?
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 15:26:52 GMT -5
I still dont understand about the flow.
And I have no idea... thats weird.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 13, 2006 17:54:34 GMT -5
You have trouble with flow for several reasons. You must rhyme words that flow, without inverting sentences (as shown above). Cy, The Way was quite old, and yet I did not have to invert sentences in such awkward, "stiff" ways. And I did the entire thing in Iambic Pentameter. When's the last time one of YOU wrote a poem in IP? *waits a few seconds* I thought so
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 20:08:09 GMT -5
Thanks again for breaking it down for me, I've just always had a hard time with things like that. I find it easier when explained to me.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 13, 2006 22:56:51 GMT -5
Nessun problema.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 23:06:00 GMT -5
;D
BTW - I've been meaning to ask about your avatar. Who is it? And if it should be obvious please forgive me.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 13, 2006 23:10:26 GMT -5
I've mentioned him several times. But I'll give you some clues:
*He was gay *He died at 46, in 1900 *He was the greatest author the world has ever seen
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 23:15:21 GMT -5
Oscar Wilde?
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 13, 2006 23:16:55 GMT -5
Mm hm
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Post by eakyra on Oct 13, 2006 23:21:03 GMT -5
Looks like there are somethings I know about.
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