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Post by eakyra on Oct 24, 2006 22:39:44 GMT -5
One of my better poems I believe. It needs some work. But enjoy. ;D
Reflection
Throughout vast seas and cool summer breeze, The melancholy ocean raises his song to the water fowl. Singing, singing, ever singing, his serenade of water. Plunging into his cool embrace, the familiar bitterness of the saltwater taste; slowly to aspire those waves of stricture, and take the first breath of freedom. Carrying, carrying, ever carrying; far away from the turmoils of earth. Lost forever in timeless emotion; eternally bound to his tender devotion. To swim evermore in the depths of his blue desire. Drifting, drifting, ever drifting, upon a soft and loving reflection of stars.
Carmen Marie Howrey
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2006 14:59:50 GMT -5
I'm now evaluating poetry and I picked a good one to start with. I really like it What I liked: The repetition was really good Good choice of language Good imagery The last line was really good and summed up a good poem for me To improve: "his song to the water fowl" this line appears to have no significance and seems slightly out of place to me that's all for now folks. loved it
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Post by eakyra on Oct 31, 2006 15:42:37 GMT -5
Well, if you totally break apart the poem into the secretive meaning, its about two lovers. When he's raising his song to the water fowl, its speaking of the bird he is singing too. The bird is the female, and he is serenading her with his song.
Thank you Shmuggy! I've been waiting for someone to do this!!!
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 31, 2006 16:13:53 GMT -5
Throughout vast seas and cool summer breeze, --you need to either say 'breezes' or 'a/the cool summer breeze' The melancholy ocean raises consider 'oceans raise their song' his song to the water fowl. describe what sort of fowl Singing, singing, ever singing, his serenade of water. 'of water' sounds tacky. Try 'du matin (which means 'of the morning'). Also 'singing, singing, ever singing his serenade of water is a fragment. You must add 'he is' to the beginning. Plunging into his cool embrace, the familiar bitterness of the saltwater taste; Plunging-taste is a fragment. Since there is a semicolon, it MUST be able to be a sentence by itself. slowly to aspire those waves of stricture, and take the first breath of freedom. Also a fragment. Even if you put your two fragments together, you'd still have a fragment. MAKE THEM COMPLETE!!!!!!! Carrying, carrying, ever carrying; --the repetition sounds really gay here, I'm sorry. I can see what you're aiming at, but you're WAY OFF. Also, add 'it is' or something to the front to make it correct. far away from the turmoils of earth. Weak line; redo. IF you change the semicolon above to a comma and fix the above line, you can get away with this (but by itself/with a semicolon it's a fragment). Lost forever in timeless emotion; --change semicolon to comma, IT ISN'T A COMPLETE CLAUSE. eternally bound to his tender devotion. Add an 'it's' to the start of this line and it flows well AND is correct. To swim evermore in the depths Change 'to' to 'it will' or something with a auxiliary verb. of his blue desire. 'Blue' is cheap. Use 'sapphire' instead. Drifting, drifting, ever drifting, upon a soft and loving reflection of stars. Add a quick " 'tis " to the beginning and it's lovely.
I'm not big on your style here (somewhere between mushy and an attempt at being profound) but the message the poem sends, with work, could be satisfactory. It has potential.
~JS
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Post by eakyra on Oct 31, 2006 21:28:54 GMT -5
Thank you. ;D
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Post by SapphireBird on Nov 12, 2006 14:06:12 GMT -5
I liked thisa lot. It was really well written, but I don't think you need all that punctuation. It was kind of distracting. You could try (you don't have to of course) getting rid of it all, or something.
I really like this line:
Lost forever in timeless emotion; eternally bound to his tender devotion.
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 12, 2006 15:31:48 GMT -5
Yes, but then her poem would be worse grammatically than it is now.
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Post by eakyra on Nov 13, 2006 21:22:07 GMT -5
John. And thank you Sapphy. ;D
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 14, 2006 10:44:18 GMT -5
Did you edit something out of value?
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Post by Donald Duck on Nov 21, 2006 14:31:38 GMT -5
I agree with SapphireBird, poems do not need to be grammatically correct. That is what makes them unique.
Eaky the poem is great and kept flow very well. It is calming to read and the rhythm is good. I know I'm not much of a critic and not very good at giving reviews.
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 21, 2006 16:21:30 GMT -5
Quite right; you're not. I give a review under the assumption that the author will look at it through the "you can still make it incorrect, if it floats your boat" perspective, that it is all suggestive.
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Post by SapphireBird on Nov 24, 2006 17:29:51 GMT -5
Yet you have a problem when other people try to give the author their suggestions?
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 25, 2006 1:06:40 GMT -5
Nope, I just love correcting people/being a nuisance.
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Nov 25, 2006 9:14:43 GMT -5
I never saw the significance of this--the meeting of the male and female, that is. It's a sometimes very creative picture of the ocean ("slowly to aspire those waves of stricture, and take the first breath of freedom.), and "the depths/of his blue desire." felt out of place to me. But ok, if that's what it's about. In some places punctuation messes with the rhythm: "Singing, singing, ever singing,/his serenade of water." seemed one of those places where people'd stick periods in so John Sapphire doesn't tell them some line's a fragment. That last line is a fragment, and I don't think the period serves it well--maybe shuffle it around with the punctuation after "saltwater taste".
I like how this poem starts with the breeze and ends with the stars but has many aspects of the ocean in its main body, including the oft overlooked (but potent here) sense taste.
Pretty good. Pretty, anyway.
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 25, 2006 12:29:01 GMT -5
"Pretty good. Pretty, anyway."
^Sums it up well!
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