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Once
Oct 24, 2006 22:43:40 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Oct 24, 2006 22:43:40 GMT -5
Wrote this when I was upset with my ex.
Once
You once told me That your biggest fear Was letting me down You once told me That you would do anything To make me happy You once told me That I make you want to be A better person You once told me That I was your angel And I saved you from the world You once told me That if you could give me the stars You would in a second You once told me You loved me more than anything And you always would You once told me But you dont tell me anymore
Carmen Marie Howrey
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Once
Oct 26, 2006 11:46:45 GMT -5
Post by Cy Skywalker on Oct 26, 2006 11:46:45 GMT -5
Hmmm....lots of lines in there are cliche.( I almost can't believe that someone real told you they'd "give you the stars if they could". )The end then also feels predictable and designed to pull heartstrings, and the words are unimaginative. I'm really not too fond of this one.Though I let fragments claw their way into poems sometimes, I shall say in fear of sounding like John Sapphire that yours don't really work. Putting periods at the end of the sentences (about every third line) would change the rhythm and improve the syntax, so consider if you want to do that. Sorry about the "ex".
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Once
Oct 26, 2006 17:27:51 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Oct 26, 2006 17:27:51 GMT -5
As Cy said, this poem is incredibly cliché, with obvious redundancy. I'm certain you wanted to create a repetition with the 'you once told me', but it's coming off now as tacky and redundant. All the sentences are correct, save the period (which you SHOULD put at the end of each) and you don't need to capitalize each start-of-line letter, because they're not ALL starting sentences.
The content was ‘meh’, and very repetitive.
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Once
Oct 26, 2006 20:19:30 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Oct 26, 2006 20:19:30 GMT -5
I figured as much. I just wanted to get some new poetry on here.
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