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Post by eakyra on Oct 24, 2006 22:45:25 GMT -5
Poem about this window in my dads bedroom. Just something.
The White Window
This window
Is unlike any other I have seen.
The dark ebony
Outcasts the opaque brightness.
As tears from the sun,
No light may enter nor' escape.
Hollow and dreamless,
This white window is a memory.
With questioning diffrence
Its beauty has been forsaken.
The White Window,
Etched in time by an unknown creator.
Carmen Marie Howrey
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 30, 2006 18:49:50 GMT -5
The White Window
This window, --don't need comma
Is unlike any other I have seen.
The dark ebony, --also don't need comma
Outcasts the opaque brightness.
Tears from the sun,
No light may enter nor' escape.
Tears from the sun needs a preposition such as 'as' before it. It makes little grammatical or stylistic sense in its current form.
Hollow and dreamless,
This white window is a memory.
You might specify what sort of memory it is, and of whom.
Why? You might add to his line. It seems to want to say more.
Beauty is forsaken by its emptiness.
Consider "Beauty has forsaken its emptiness", I find its flow more desirable.
The White Window,
Etched in time by an unknown creator.
Unknown my hat! Anyone on this site--Den, for instance--will tell you with certainty unfiltered by pointless things like "science" and "reasonable logic" that it was Jesus H. Christ O.P.P.* that created the universe, along with this delightfully white window (because "science" and "reasonable logic" have a well-known liberal bias).
*On a popsicle stick
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Post by eakyra on Oct 30, 2006 21:38:57 GMT -5
Thank you John!
The memory part I was hoping would be explained with the unknown creator, and the unknown creator refers to the carpenter/designer.
*tackle hugs*
Please do Reflection? Please?
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 2, 2006 20:31:14 GMT -5
Certainly.
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Post by eakyra on Nov 2, 2006 23:34:04 GMT -5
You did. I thought you'd like it more. But I guess im just not that great.
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 3, 2006 19:35:00 GMT -5
Read and model a poem after 'The Ballad of Reading Gaol'. Then do it again. And again. You'll get there.
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Post by eakyra on Nov 4, 2006 2:01:59 GMT -5
I just might do that. ;D
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Post by SapphireBird on Nov 5, 2006 17:15:47 GMT -5
I like how you portray a window with a lot of imagery. I mean, it's just a window, but you've created a poem out of it. Nice job.  |
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Post by eakyra on Nov 7, 2006 0:07:59 GMT -5
Oh, thank you so much!!!!! It means alot!
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 7, 2006 13:40:19 GMT -5
a lot*
And personally, I am of the opinion your imagery needs work.
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Post by eakyra on Nov 8, 2006 0:07:00 GMT -5
Everyone has their opinions dear.
;D
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 8, 2006 18:18:35 GMT -5
Mine are merely more biting and critical than most |
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Post by eakyra on Nov 8, 2006 23:31:53 GMT -5
Yes they are. And for some weird reason I love you for it.  |
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 9, 2006 10:51:50 GMT -5
I feel loved. OH MY! TOMORROW SHOULD BE OUR WEDDING, YET IT ISN'T!
That's okay. I'll just do the rehearsal then, and if you show up, so much the better.
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Post by SapphireBird on Nov 9, 2006 19:55:55 GMT -5
Mine are merely more biting and critical than most Don't flatter yourself. |
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