SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Dreamer
Nov 12, 2006 14:10:26 GMT -5
Post by SapphireBird on Nov 12, 2006 14:10:26 GMT -5
Hear my song, Oh Dreamer. Hear my broken words of sorrow. When my heart again is whole, I will sing once more tomorrow.
Close your eyes, Oh Dreamer. Fly across the moonlit sea. Listen to the dawn approaching. When day awakes, the stars will flee.
Cry your tears, Oh Dreamer, Let your aching soul be gone. No lullaby will soothe your heart, No morning dove will flee the dawn.
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Dreamer
Nov 12, 2006 15:29:44 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 12, 2006 15:29:44 GMT -5
It was okay. It sounds like you tried to put feeling into this.
Hear my song, Oh Dreamer. I think you want to say "O Dreamer". Historically, it is more accepted and accurate. Plus it can mean:
O interj 1. used in addressing a person or topic or at the start of a plea or wish 2. used in expressing surprise or great wonderment (literary)
Hear my broken words of sorrow. The word broken is cheap and its scope limited. Try 'disjointed' or possibly 'mournful'
When my heart again is whole, I will sing once more tomorrow. That last clause is awkward. Sick 'of' between 'more' and 'tomorrow'
Close your eyes, Oh Dreamer. Again, 'O', rather than 'Oh' Fly across the moonlit sea. Listen to the dawn approaching. The flow seems to be awkward here. Try replacing 'listen to' with 'hear' or possibly 'heed'. When day awakes, the stars will flee. If your aiming for a semi-archaic tone, use 'awakens' instead of 'awakes'. Also, I prefer 'take flight' to 'flee'.
Cry your tears, Oh Dreamer, 'O' Let your aching soul be gone. Gone? Not merely set at peace? No lullaby will soothe you heart, Either put a comma between you and heart, or you made a typo. No Morning Dove will flee the dawn. It not stylistic for flee to be a transitive verb, so add a preposition (such as from).
The poem is okay, but the tone seems a bit off, and I don't see any trace of an overall message, merely an attempt at a sad ending (which, fyi, isn't quite as dramatic as the God is mad at me one).
K, that's about it. Don't forget to submit to my essay competition, and keep reviewing my pieces.
~Rev. John Sapphire
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Dreamer
Nov 13, 2006 21:26:20 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Nov 13, 2006 21:26:20 GMT -5
Nice critique, I hope she takes it well.
I really liked this poem, and where John pointed the typo out, does stick out sorely. It really seemed gray and sad.
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Dreamer
Nov 21, 2006 16:24:18 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 21, 2006 16:24:18 GMT -5
If you don't take my critiques well, then--
*ahem*
I don't believe you're ready for the real world. Editors aren't nice and shmugglie. They will tear apart your work as if it is crappy british cuisine.
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Dreamer
Nov 21, 2006 17:21:40 GMT -5
Post by Ed on Nov 21, 2006 17:21:40 GMT -5
You didnt even listen to her response yet, man. Let her see what she thinks of ur critiques first mate.
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Dreamer
Nov 21, 2006 19:23:22 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 21, 2006 19:23:22 GMT -5
I wanted to preempt dissent before it happened.
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Dreamer
Nov 22, 2006 16:09:06 GMT -5
Post by SapphireBird on Nov 22, 2006 16:09:06 GMT -5
John, you have absolutely no sense of rhythm. I put it there for a purpose. With your critique, you've completely destroyed the rhythm, which is why I didn't change anything. If I had followed you're version of the poem, it wouldn't have made any sense at all.
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Dreamer
Nov 22, 2006 16:43:52 GMT -5
Post by Cy Skywalker on Nov 22, 2006 16:43:52 GMT -5
Hmm, pretty good. Your rhythm is just on the edge of correct, with, I believe, puntuation as the culprit. I see some short sentences which could flow better if connected to the next line with commas or semicolons, in my opinion. The point of view is interesting--unexpected. It is conforting in a way, but the narrator talking to the Dreamer seems to be jaded, realistic--not the typical "it's ok" sort of song-narrator.And I like that, in a way. It adds "grit". The poem becomes the connection between two people, instead of a description of one, which I expected from the title. I belive "Morning Dove" doesn't need to be capitalized--and is or is it not spelled properly 'mourning'? One thing which John pointed out which I agree with are the issues with "day awakes". Interesting imagery, especially 'flying over the moonlit sea' when nothing which physically flies is specified. This Dreamer is perhaps a negative character, running away from what he/she should be thinking about (which explains "Let your aching soul be gone."), and the narrator can't help either but tries, so it's sad. But it's pretty. And confusing...
As always, take my analysis with a grain of salt. It may tell more about me than about your purpose for the poem.
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Dreamer
Nov 22, 2006 19:22:35 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 22, 2006 19:22:35 GMT -5
Cy, you always leave the review with a happy feeling. It's absolutely amazing.
Also, if I might expound,
When my heart again is whole, I will sing once more tomorrow.
Is problematic only because I don't know whether "when my heart again is whole" or "tomorrow" is when you're going to sing.
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Dreamer
Nov 24, 2006 17:13:21 GMT -5
Post by SapphireBird on Nov 24, 2006 17:13:21 GMT -5
I don't see any trace of an overall message There wasn't one. Not every poem has to have a message in it.
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Dreamer
Nov 25, 2006 19:26:59 GMT -5
Post by Cy Skywalker on Nov 25, 2006 19:26:59 GMT -5
Cy, you always leave the review with a happy feeling. It's absolutely amazing. Is that a good thing, in your eyes? I go for a balance. I say what I believe, whethere it is complimentary or not to the author--but I am always a nice person. Well, almost always. Usually in writing I am, because bad writing isn't going to get you killed.
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Dreamer
Nov 25, 2006 22:37:18 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 25, 2006 22:37:18 GMT -5
I don't think I've ever given a positive review. They're all either positive or I hated it.
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