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Post by Elasticband on Nov 16, 2006 16:31:39 GMT -5
This is my first try at poetry for a while so don't expect it to be great.
Promises.
A promise of death, Not known by the masses, But known by the stars.
A virus spreading throughout the galaxy, To be contained and destroyed, By the divine wind which they crave.
So like the enemy, So unlike their gods, Unlike what they really are.
But individually they are still blinded, Their faith is intact, Still seeking the divine beyond.
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 16, 2006 16:58:15 GMT -5
As of now I see all sorts of fragmental errors. I shall give a full review when I have more time. As of now it seems a 6/10 at best. Still better than many people's first stabs at poetry.
~JS
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Post by Elasticband on Nov 16, 2006 17:01:28 GMT -5
I've never understood fragments, but thanks for commenting on the poem.
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 16, 2006 20:23:25 GMT -5
I knight thee the fragment and run-on queen! There is not one correct sentence in your poem!!!!!!
A promise of death, Not known by the masses, But known by the stars. This is a fragment, because you don't have a verb. Try replacing 'but' with 'is'. You needn't capitalize lines of a poem that don't begin sentences.
A virus spreading throughout the galaxy, To be contained and destroyed, By the divine wind which they crave. Also a fragment. Also using capitalization needlessly. Get rid of the comma after galaxy, change 'To' to 'must', and get rid of the other comma after destroyed.
So like the enemy, So unlike their gods, Unlike what they really are. This is a fragment. Stick a 'They are' or 'it is' on the front. Consider modifying 'gods' to 'heroes' or something of the ilk. Also, 'unlike what they really are' is cliche and sounds stupid. Replace it.
But individually they are still blinded, Their faith is intact, Still seeking the divine beyond. This is a run-on. "But individually they are still blinded" and "their faith is intact" are both complete independent clauses, so they must be joined by a comma and a conjunction OR a semicolon. Not just a comma. To solve this, remove the 'is'.
The poem itself (grammar entirely aside) seems to have an okay enough message, but I feel the style isn't well executed. It ought to be a bit longer, a bit more descriptive, and a bit less dramatic and cliché. As I say, 6/10 at best.
~JS
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