Spinner
Rank 2 (STILL a Newbie)
Posts: 223
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Post by Spinner on Nov 17, 2006 7:45:10 GMT -5
don't know if I've posted this before but... it even if I did.. it was in the old site...
Dreams of you pass my closed, slumbering eyes. If only I didn't know that they were but lovely lies.
Then perhaps I'd wish never again to rise from my sleep. Then perhaps never more would I have reason to weep
I appreciate the review but I decided not to ommit the "if" FOR NOW... didn't feel right...
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 17, 2006 12:38:09 GMT -5
What is it with this guild's poetry and themes I find cheesy? You're better than some, and the rhyming is welcome, but there's still a lot to be desired.
dreams of you pass my closed, slumbering eyes Capitalize the D in dreams and end this clause with a period. if only I didn't know that they were but lovely lies This is a subordinate clause. Get rid of 'if', capitalize only and add a period, and all is well.
then perhaps I'd wish never again to rise from my sleep Capitalize and add period. then perhaps never more would I have reason to weep Same as above, but the word weep sounds really melodramatic here. And I don't like the rhyme.
The poem itself is rather clumsily constructed; the phrases could flow better. It's a bit short, and seems rushed. I give it 6.5/10
~JS
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Spinner
Rank 2 (STILL a Newbie)
Posts: 223
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Post by Spinner on Nov 17, 2006 21:25:10 GMT -5
noted... thanks.... hmmm... this if the first time i've had someone so...so... professional? appreciated..lol... just ommit the "if" ....? anything else?
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 18, 2006 0:03:18 GMT -5
Modify weep, if you don't have a lot of time, otherwise, completely change everything, because now it seems VERY choppy, and the flow is terrible.
Get rid of 'if'. It is incorrect.
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