SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Post by SapphireBird on Nov 24, 2006 17:20:27 GMT -5
I'm in my room. My clock is ticking, The dog is asleep on the floor, There is a frown upon my face.
I close my eyes
I'm in Egypt. Riding on the back of a camel Across the desert. The sun is setting The moon is shining bright.
I close my eyes
I'm in the Jungle. Watching the monkeys Play in the trees. Listening to the birds Happily singing.
I close my eyes
I'm in the Ocean. Fish swim beside me. Seaweed tickles my feet. It grabs at my ankles As I swim by.
I close my eyes
I'm back in my room, My clock is still ticking, The dog is still asleep, There is a smile upon my face.
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Nov 25, 2006 19:36:01 GMT -5
Aw! Last line is cute. There are some good descriptions in here ("Seaweed tickles my feet.") and it's tight, though it's been done. I like how you used the commas in the first stanza, and there is no pattern to them afterward--oh yes there is, it goes back to lots of commas in the second Real World stanza. Right. Cool. This certainly isn't more than teenage, but it's a step.
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Post by johnsapphire on Nov 25, 2006 23:43:14 GMT -5
It seems to me all the poem is is a collection of various, albeit describtive, verses about random places your mind goes. Cute, but not terribly impressive. Nevertheless, it is amusing.
^That's the closest thing to a positive review you're ever going to get.
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