It's your turn

[SapphireBird]

Did you see me?
Did you notice the way I tried?
Did you even glance my way?


Oh, why do you do this?
This torture that you
Seem to put me through.
I can’t sleep,
I can’t even stop thinking of you

-Chorus-
I'm tired of wondering
(if I ever hurt you)
I'm sick of caring
(about what you’ve said to me)
I'm tired of crying.
I’m tired of dying.
(It's your turn)

You weren't there.
(Never ever)
You always you would come.
(But never ever)
Even when I screamed your name.
Even when I screamed.

-Chorus-

I'm not going to cry
(any more tears)
I've done that for you,
But you never cared.
It’s your turn to cry.

It's your turn....to die







FYI you guys - this is a song, if you haven't already picked that up.

[johnsapphire]

Oh my! What an incredibly emo poem! It sounds to me like an emotional teen that had a depressing week. The entire thing is so terribly surreal and overdone that it seems nearly comic. Needless to say, I didn't particularily like it.

And to make my point, what follows is a list of the over-the-top emo lines I might be able to do without:

Oh, why do you do this?

Even when I screamed your name.

I can’t even stop thinking of you

I’m tired of dying.

But you never cared.

The grammar, I must say, is superb! Just a few comma faults. For instance, there must be one between I've done that for you and But you never cared.

I'd be curious to see how the music plays out. You probably imagine modern music accompanying this, possibly that "Death Metal" *ahem* stuff that is not my personal cup of tea. Do tell us more about that aspect.

~JS

[Cy Skywalker]

What a travesty is "Did you even glance my way?/Oh, why do you do this?/This torture that you/Seem to put me through." --don't panic, I don't mean the lyrics--when someone is emotionally torturing you and they don't even know it. I don't think that's what this poem is about but I just want to beat a certain someone right now whom doesn't know how much I ANGST about him--!
Terribly sorry. Back on topic. (as if that has been a big concern of the Poetry section lately.)

The lyrics are ok for what they are, which is death-metal or depressed-rock or whathaveyou. That is, if you say, as genre, and it has its catchphrases, and it has its practioners who may or may not look at certain emotions as worse than they really are, for fame or depression-addiction.
I like your use of perenthesis to indicate distorted sound--which is what I definatly heard them as. They offset the other lines nicely. I didn't find any real memorable lines in here, but neither do I know how to judge this. It has simply inspired another emotion-fest. Lol!
Another comment: The end is so very abrupt and changes the tune from sad to vengeful. That's what it is but I'd like to see more of a balance, instead of it cliffhanging like that.

[SapphireBird]

skywalker said:

I like your use of perenthesis to indicate distorted sound--which is what I definatly heard them as.

I was wondering if someone would pick up on that...

[johnsapphire]

Looks like someone did.

*ahem*

"I'd be curious to see how the music plays out. You probably imagine modern music accompanying this, possibly that "Death Metal" *ahem* stuff that is not my personal cup of tea. Do tell us more about that aspect."

*ahem*

[SapphireBird]

*ahem*

I actually have no idea what type of tune this is imagined to be sang with. This
actually used to e a poem on the old site, but I didn't like the way it flowed, so I made it into a sing.

*unahem*