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Man
Nov 28, 2006 21:38:30 GMT -5
Post by eakyra on Nov 28, 2006 21:38:30 GMT -5
I know the punctuation needs work along with everything else, but I just now wrote it... so gimme a break.
Man Carmen M. Howrey
He walks with purpose; driven by an unknown sense of forsaken duty. He knows not the enemy lurking behind in the creeping shadow He only sees the light; shinning as true as the love he keeps. He is man; A creature of change amidst a stark world
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Man
Nov 30, 2006 18:48:25 GMT -5
Post by johnsapphire on Nov 30, 2006 18:48:25 GMT -5
Omg. Eaky, I absolutely love this poem. Its catalystic end touches something--and correct me if I am wrong--that is present in myself. I think that, as a free-form poem, it knocks down nine of ten pegs. And the tenth is wobbling.
Yes, there are errors, and I will outline them as follows, along with suggestions and the usual.
He walks with purpose; should be a comma driven by an unknown sense of forsaken duty. He knows not the give me an 'of' between not and the enemy lurking behind tack a him on the end in the creeping shadow Do I hear a period? He only sees the light; Second half of the "sentence" is not a whole clause, so change to a comma. Also, I think you may replace 'only' with 'but' shinning as true as truly, because it modifies a gerund, not a regular noun. the love he keeps. I think you can replace keeps with harbours, a far more poetic word. He is man; What is it with you and semicolons?!? They should be commas! A creature of change amidst a stark world I gotta hand it to you, Angie's skins are rather stark...
And excellent work. I really enjoyed it.
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