My Poems (please R&R)

[Creative]

The Broons Paint The Town Red

"We're aff tae pent thae toon red"
Is whit we said
Before the bairns went tae bed
"Can we come too?"
"Naw, no' you,"
You're ower young,
Us auld folks are aff tae hae all thae fun!"
We closed the door behind us,
Who'd hae kids remind us!

We arrived at the nichtclub at gone eleven,
We're usually in bed no' lang past seven!
Wi' a pretty lass Paw was flirting,
But soon he was hurting,
For ma caught him in the act,
An' walloped him wi' her bag!

All too soon it was time tae leave fer hame
Still, we were glad we came
But then thae lad known as 'Oor Wullie'
Had been awfy silly
He'd been pentin' his gang's shed
An' than aff he'd gone tae bed
Howe were we tae ken the silly wee chap had left the bucket o' pent in oor path?
Still, Granpaw thoucht it was a guid laugh!
I swear, if he wasna so auld,
we would hae punched him on thae nose!

Anyway, aff we went back tae Glebe Street,
We had pent in oor hair, pent on oor feet
We were in dispair,
Pent was everywhere!

The bairns were waiting up,
Just oor luck!
How they laughed tae see pent on oor heads,
"My, ye really did pent thae toon red!"


Steam On The Main

Time has seen them slowly fade away
A bygone era
Steam has had its day
As "progress" moves nearer

No longer is the Flying Scotman
Or the Evening Star
On the timetable plan
Although steam has brought us far

Trains nowadays don't seem to have the glory they once did,
Just plain and boring they are now,
Progress? Who are they trying to kid?
Trains have lost their glory somehow


No longer will the furnace burn,
Modernisation has forced steam off the main track,
For the good ol' days I yearn
How I wish steam on the main were back


[/b]As I Gaze At The Stars[/b]

As I gaze at the stars,
A glimmer of light
I know you are there,
Watching over me tonight

As I gaze at the stars,
I realise though your body is gone
You are still here,
Your soul lives on

As I gaze at the stars,
I reminisce about the years gone by
I shed a few tears,
Have a little cry

As I gaze at the stars,
I have hope
As long as you are still here,
I will cope

As I gaze at the stars,
I think of your favourite song
And when I sing it to myself,
I feel strong

As I gaze at the stars,
I think of you
Heaven exists,
I know it's true

As I gaze at the stars,
I give a little smile
With you there,
I know I can go that extra mile

As I gaze at the stars,
When I'm feeling sad
I think of you,
The times we had

As I gaze at the stars,
I don't have a lot to remember you
But nothing can take my memories away,
That much is true

As I gaze at the stars,
There is a face I can see
It's you,
Looking down on me


Just A Cat

When I was a kitten,
I was bad
I drove my owner mad

I was terible,
I was a calamity,
I drove my owner to insanity!

Yet I was always made welcome,
A saucer of milk was always there,
Even though my claws were bare!

Yes I could scratch,
I scratched my owner in the eye,
Made him cry!

Now I am older and wiser,
I act an angel of grace
Till my owner's left the place

For I am still a bad cat,
I just wait till the owner's gone,
Then I start the carry on!

I don't like the last one much but I thought I'd post it anyway.

[SapphireBird]

As I gaze at the stars,
A glimmer of light
I know you are there,
Watching over me tonight I like this line. It's really cute.

As I gaze at the stars,
I realise though your body is gone
You are still here,
Your soul lives on Nice imagery

As I gaze at the stars,
I reminisce about the years gone by A little too many syllables in here. It might flow better if you edit this one
I shed a few tears,
Have a little cry

As I gaze at the stars,
I have hope
As long as you are still here,
I will cope

As I gaze at the stars,
I think of your favourite song
And when I sing it to myself,
I feel strong

As I gaze at the stars,
I think of you
Heaven exists,
I know it's true Cute line

As I gaze at the stars,
I give a little smile
With you there,
I know I can go that extra mile

As I gaze at the stars,
When I'm feeling sad
I think of you,
The times we had

As I gaze at the stars,
I don't have a lot to remember you
But nothing can take my memories away,
That much is true Again, a little too many syllables, but sweet thought

As I gaze at the stars,
There is a face I can see
It's you,
Looking down on me


I really liked the imagery to this. I thought it was a sweet poem. The rhyming didn't seemed forced, it flowed really nicely.

(btw: The last poem is funny )

[Angie]

I'm critiquing the stars poem as I read it; beware that I almost always just point out the things that could be improved until the very end of my review:

"I realise though your body is gone" - This line is too long to fit with the flow.

"You are still here,
Your soul lives on" - For flow reasons, I think the second line needs another syllable, perhaps with "and" at the beginning.

"I reminisce about the years gone by" - Yet again, this has too many syllables to go with the flow. Perhaps it should be something like "I think of years gone by."

"Have a little cry" - This line strikes me as a bit silly for this poem. But maybe that's just me.

"I have hope
As long as you are still here,
I will cope" - Your rhyming's been good so far, but that last line really feels like you're forcing it. It might just have something to do with syllables again.

"As I gaze at the stars,
I think of your favourite song
And when I sing it to myself,
I feel strong" - I really like this stanza.

"As I gaze at the stars,
I think of you
Heaven exists,
I know it's true" - There isn't a flow problem, necessarily, but these lines seem a bit too short. Maybe I'm just being thrown off track because each stanza has a different style, and I'm not used to that.

"As I gaze at the stars,
I don't have a lot to remember you
But nothing can take my memories away,
That much is true" - The grammar in the second line is kind of funky.

"As I gaze at the stars,
There is a face I can see
It's you,
Looking down on me" - The third line is too short (I promise myself I won't use "flow" again ), so maybe you should change the second and third lines to something like "There's a face I can see; That face is you."

Overall: There were some minor flow issues, as I pointed out, and as is the bane of the existance of every poet, your punctuation needs a lot of help. Also, try to make sure that you're not just repeating yourself in every stanza throughout the middle of the poem (intros and endings are almost always easy); try to get some development in there, a gradual build-up to the end. But now for the good stuff: I personally love poetry about heaven and the stars, and that's what attracted me to this piece; it's a very good subject choice if you can work with it well. You do rhyming better than many poets I've read, and I like the motif of "As I gaze at the stars". Overall, this is a very good poem, better than many ones I've read (LOL, I sure have a way of showing it, eh? ;D ). Good luck with your writing ventures. *bows and leaves him to his work*

[Creative]

Thanks SapphireBird and Angie.
The poem I wrote before that was:

"A barn owl sits in her nest
one egg hatches then so do the rest.
Now mother bird must find food for her chicks
Back in a few ticks.
Soon she comes back to her little round house.
For her young, she brought a mouse.
She gives her little ones the food.
Mother bird is in a very happy mood.
She teaches her chicks to fly.
When they leave the nest, mother bird says "goodbye"."

So without sounding like I'm boasting (I hope), it was better than the Mother Bird one, but I know it's not perfect.
It was written about my Dad who died in 1999.
Thanks for the reviews, btw, can anyone understand the Broons one?

[SapphireBird]

Yeah, I do. It's funny.

[Cy Skywalker]

lol, the one in dialect was funny and creative. Make sure you're accurate with the sounds of the language; someone who knows better than I may critique that. The last line of the second stanza didn't hold with the rhythm.

The one about the trains is generally good. The thing is that it needs periods at the end of each stanza. These lines "Just plain and boring they are now,/Progress? Who are they trying to kid?" and this "Modernisation has forced steam off the main track,/For the good ol' days I yearn/How I wish steam on the main were back" could be more creatively worded to really concrete your idea with good imagery. I like the subject, and the mix of emotion/serious imagry is nice.

People have picked apart the star poem enough...I thought iwas ok. "Have a little cry" sounds very British.

Mother Bird is a cute one. This line didn't flow: "Back in a few ticks." It didn't much add to the movement sense of it and was less informative/imagery than the rest of the poem. The line about "happy" is similarly out of place. Though you put that as a second-rate piece, I think with some fixing it could showcase your style of nice conrete imagery very well.