Mercy
Rank 2 (STILL a Newbie)
wanna c the constitutn burn wanna watch the whitehouse ovrturn murdr the govrnmnt then do it again
Posts: 216
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Post by Mercy on Dec 21, 2006 17:28:15 GMT -5
I look again at the mirror And i see a face again Big eyes, wet cheeks and a frown I rest my head against the frame
I think, is this what i've really become A sad, depressed boy? I wonder if i'm always like this? I wonder if life's a toy?
I think many a different things When i look into my face My dad, my brothers, my mum My life's just a big disgrace
The neighbours bang against the wall So i turn my music down The only thing that changes my mood The thing that changes my frown
My music off, my friends away I'm all alone to face the days I feel like the boy i used to be He's getting replaced
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Post by eakyra on Dec 21, 2006 19:26:04 GMT -5
I know you probably didnt care about grammer in this, but if you edit it, it would really make this a nice poem. Big Eyes, Wet Cheeks... that part, seemed to long. It all flowed nicely until th neighbors part, that part seemed kinda thrown in there. Its a good poem, I think with some careful editing it could be better. But the feeling you brought to it was wonderful.
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Mercy
Rank 2 (STILL a Newbie)
wanna c the constitutn burn wanna watch the whitehouse ovrturn murdr the govrnmnt then do it again
Posts: 216
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Post by Mercy on Dec 22, 2006 3:16:41 GMT -5
well thnk you very much nd if u read my other posts i wrote at the same time you'd have probably figured out i was in a bad mood. i changed it 2 your suggestions and does that make it any better. i normally write songs when i'm in that sort of mood so thats a rare occasion lol.
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Post by SapphireBird on Dec 23, 2006 20:35:56 GMT -5
I look again at the mirror And i see a face again Big eyes, wet cheeks and a frown I rest my head against the frame I really like the whole poem, but this is my favorite stanza ^ I was a little confused about the rhyming sdcheme, At first it didn't seem to have one, then it seemed like it was A B C B Then it was something like A A B C It could be tweaked a tad, but overall a really nice poem. There was a lot of emotion in it.
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Mercy
Rank 2 (STILL a Newbie)
wanna c the constitutn burn wanna watch the whitehouse ovrturn murdr the govrnmnt then do it again
Posts: 216
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Post by Mercy on Jan 11, 2007 13:49:16 GMT -5
are u talking about the last paragraph cause otherwise i think its ok but i might not be seeing it completely
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Post by SapphireBird on Jan 14, 2007 22:33:06 GMT -5
Yeah. "days" doesn't really rhyme with "replaced" and rhymes too much with "away", but, of course, that's just my suggestion. Hey, it's your poem. Do whatever you want. You don't have to listen to anyone.
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Sam
Rank 1 (Still a Newbie)
Assasinate Ethan by Dawn..
Posts: 80
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Post by Sam on Apr 23, 2007 17:35:14 GMT -5
It's good, but like others said, if you change the grammar it can be a really nice poem. I especially like this part:
The neighbours bang against the wall So i turn my music down The only thing that changes my mood The thing that changes my frown
I can see that being a really good chorus for a song. It's nice.
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