SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Oceans
Jan 14, 2007 23:37:29 GMT -5
Post by SapphireBird on Jan 14, 2007 23:37:29 GMT -5
Life is like the ocean It loves to play about Sometimes full of joy or sorrow Sometimes full of doubt
Life is like the ocean Life is like the sea Life is like a sweet spring morning Dancing through the breeze
Life is like the ocean Angered, filed with fear Peaceful like a morning sparrow Graceful as the deer
Life is like the ocean Ageless as the sky Tranquil as a painted morning Stars that will not die
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Brokenhearts
Rank 15 (On Angie's Level)
Beware, all ye who talk 2 me
Posts: 4,934
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Oceans
Jan 15, 2007 17:59:13 GMT -5
Post by Brokenhearts on Jan 15, 2007 17:59:13 GMT -5
the 1st stanza is beautiful, it conjours up images of a personified ocean in ur mind with so few words that it's so full at the same time as leaving space 4 the reader to use their imagination. the beat is constant and easy to pick up, which makes it an easy read. however, the second stanza feels more forced and less flowing as the 1st, almost staccato. as though it's very hestitant. the beat is severely interrupted and doesn't feel as though it carries on the same beautiful ease as the 1st stanza. it also feels unfinished, like you have so much more to say on the matter, is there any more to come?!
i do love ur 1st stanza, it pulled me in and let mi own imagination run free, ur second i feel needs a little more work on the phrasing- though the concept and idea is captivating.
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Oceans
Jan 19, 2007 15:55:15 GMT -5
Post by SapphireBird on Jan 19, 2007 15:55:15 GMT -5
Good point. I'll probably re-write this.
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Oceans
Jan 19, 2007 17:10:37 GMT -5
Post by Cy Skywalker on Jan 19, 2007 17:10:37 GMT -5
Yeah, the first stanza is good with the movement and imagery. It needs a period at the end, that's all. I agree with Brokenhearts about the second one too. About almost everything except txt tlk, in fact.
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SapphireBird
Rank 3 (Almost Not a Newbie)
Memento mori-Remember that you are mortal
Posts: 436
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Oceans
Jan 20, 2007 15:08:32 GMT -5
Post by SapphireBird on Jan 20, 2007 15:08:32 GMT -5
Okay, I just modified it completly. I took out the 2nd stanza, and wrote three more.
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