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Post by derekrain on May 30, 2007 23:44:04 GMT -5
(probably my favorite thing i've ever written)
It hurts you that she's happy now, But you don't know a thing. Maybe you should let the phone Go on another ring.
And maybe when you pick it up Somebody will be there. All you can remember is the color of her hair.
And maybe soon you'll figure out That you did something right. The last time that you let her go And didn't start a fight.
And maybe then you'll call her back and she will let it ring. It hurts you that she's happy now but you don't know a thing.
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paranoidandroid
Rank 0 (Total Newbie)
You know that it's going to be all right when we go shopping.
Posts: 30
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Post by paranoidandroid on Jun 3, 2007 17:53:06 GMT -5
It hurts you that she's happy now, But you don't know a thing. Maybe you should let the phone Go on another ring. Great opening line. Love it. Pulled me right into it. Rest of the verse it good too. And maybe when you pick it up Somebody will be there. All you can remember is the color of her hair. When I first read it the "hair" rhyme seemed awkward, but I changed my mind. I really like it now. And maybe soon you'll figure out That you did something right. The last time that you let her go And didn't start a fight. Good. And maybe then you'll call her back and she will let it ring. It hurts you that she's happy now but you don't know a thing. I like how you repeat "it hurts you that she's happy now". It's a great line, and it wraps up the song nicely. I like what you've got a lot, but something seems a little unfinished about it. I don't mean the ending, the ending's great. I mean early on it seems like there's some more that should be said to paint a clearer picture of what's going on. You should consider adding another verse or two. I wouldn't change much of anything with what you've already got though. It flows nicely, is well written, and brings out emotion. -P.A.
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