Brokenhearts
Rank 15 (On Angie's Level)
Beware, all ye who talk 2 me
Posts: 4,934
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My Past
May 31, 2007 19:13:19 GMT -5
Post by Brokenhearts on May 31, 2007 19:13:19 GMT -5
i rote this @ a time wen i was COMPLETELY out of control... its so strange readin it nw...
Hiding from the truth Seeing only lies Loving all the wrong Hitting all the highs
Life holds many secrets None of which are told Love is of the greatest But it's getting old
Someone says 'I love you' Sincerity in their eyes How do you know you trust them Before you hold their ties
The lies about love Is an art most perfected Listen to your head Before you get infected
I am told I'm a cynic That love is something pure My friends they always tell me That I must find a cure
Remembering all the hurts Makes it rather hard To let my self start over And to drop my guard
Hiding from the truth So I can't be wrong Love just F*cking scares me So I write my song
Seeing only lies Keeps me safe from harm Emotions locked inside me So I'm cool and calm
Loving all the wrong How I know that's true Though they keep me sane This can't be right for you
Hitting all the highs Late each and every night Now I am my self again This is giving me a fright
These feelings locked inside me I know this can't be good My heart can be opened I know it really should
Maybe I shall wake From this nightmare of my life To take a look around me And throw away the knife
Till that day does come And I hope it will I'll be locked away inside It’s myself I slowly kill
Hiding from the truth Seeing only lies Loving all the wrong Hitting all the highs
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paranoidandroid
Rank 0 (Total Newbie)
You know that it's going to be all right when we go shopping.
Posts: 30
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Post by paranoidandroid on Jun 2, 2007 9:14:12 GMT -5
Hiding from the truth Seeing only lies Loving all the wrong Hitting all the highs Not bad, but I think this could use a stronger first stanza. "Hiding from the truth" is a decent opening line, but not increadibly original. I'd try for something a little more attention grabbing Life holds many secrets None of which are told Love is of the greatest But it's getting old I liked this one, especially the last two lines. Someone says 'I love you' Sincerity in their eyes How do you know you trust them Before you hold their ties Not sure about the last line, seems a little forced. The lies about love Is an art most perfected Listen to your head Before you get infected I really liked the first two lines here. I don't like the word "head" in the third line because it rhymes with "perfected" and "infected" and throws off the rhythm a little bit. Maybe mind would be better?I am told I'm a cynic That love is something pure My friends they always tell me That I must find a cure Last line seems a little bit forced, but not distractingly so. More distracting to me is the use of the word "must". I don't know why, just seems to be a different style of language than the rest of the poem. Remembering all the hurts Makes it rather hard To let my self start over And to drop my guard Like it. Feeling we can all relate to. Hiding from the truth So I can't be wrong Love just F*cking scares me So I write my song I like this one too. "Hiding from the truth" works fine here, I just don't like it as the opening line to the poem. Seeing only lies Keeps me safe from harm Emotions locked inside me So I'm cool and calm I really dug the first two lines. Very nice. Loving all the wrong How I know that's true Though they keep me sane This can't be right for you Good.Hitting all the highs Late each and every night Now I am my self again This is giving me a fright I like the idea behind this stanza, but the "fright" line seems forced. These feelings locked inside me I know this can't be good My heart can be opened I know it really should Not sure this stanza is necessary. Maybe I shall wake From this nightmare of my life To take a look around me And throw away the knife Like this one. Till that day does come And I hope it will I'll be locked away inside It’s myself I slowly kill A little awkwardly worded, but overall good. Hiding from the truth Seeing only lies Loving all the wrong Hitting all the highs I like how it goes back to the first stanza, sort of comes "full circle", but again, I think this stanza needs to be stronger. Overall I thought it was really good. The beginning is a little shaky, but it gets stronger and stronger as you go along. There are a couple stanzas I'd rewrite completely, but for the most part, just a few tweaks here and there. Nice work. -P.A.
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Spinner
Rank 2 (STILL a Newbie)
Posts: 223
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Post by Spinner on Jun 4, 2007 9:25:31 GMT -5
he seems to have covered everything.. but hmmm... the last line in the second stanza seemed a bit off for me... the syllables are just right but maybe it's the way some of the words are usually sounded,.. getting to the point, i felt the last line in the 2nd stanza felt a bit short next to the 2nd line... but that's just me....
anyway, it's a great poem... And don't feel too strange about reading it, it's happened to the most of us.... (or is just me).....
P.S. the fright line DID seem a bit forced but still okay though...
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Brokenhearts
Rank 15 (On Angie's Level)
Beware, all ye who talk 2 me
Posts: 4,934
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My Past
Jun 4, 2007 15:17:31 GMT -5
Post by Brokenhearts on Jun 4, 2007 15:17:31 GMT -5
wow... thankies guys ;D ill see if i cn tweak it 2 ur recomendations (aftr mi exams... i need 2 gt thru them 1st ) btw- the line u 2 pointd out was 1 i struggled on
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