modz
Rank 0 (Total Newbie)
Posts: 1
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Sonnet
Jan 15, 2008 13:44:59 GMT -5
Post by modz on Jan 15, 2008 13:44:59 GMT -5
Sonnet 2: Love and Wine
If love is a wine, will I crash a cup? Be star-crossed by such mere searing desire Of whether to quaff a sheer hellion's drop Or rather quiver with the burning fire. But if wine does not contour my life again, Will love be there attending to my needs? Though love and wine can diminish the pain And give such strength to men like those of steeds. A wine is like a hollow heart and mind, It is nothing more but deluded faith; While love is like a teeming cask of wine, A bounty on the glorious life of mirth. But if love has never found me at all Perhaps, I may be a winery thrall.
Kindly rate my sonnet.. Though I am not sure if it is exactly the one that I wrote for it was 3 years ago.. Just try to read and post some comments.. I will be open to anything..
If U love it.. I still have three more sonnets.. chow!
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Bard
Rank 0 (Total Newbie)
Posts: 7
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Sonnet
May 29, 2008 22:42:37 GMT -5
Post by Bard on May 29, 2008 22:42:37 GMT -5
I love the second half, the first four lines are a little... muddled to me. In the first line, what do you mean to "crash" a cup? "Finish"? "Shatter"? "Consume"? In lines 2-4, why do you "desire" of two choices? There's also something awkward about "like those of" in line 8. Maybe something like "to turn weak men to bold steeds" ?
The last five lines are great though, very clear and easy rhythm, so good job on that! Sonnets are hard and I would like to see what else you have written!
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