The Emerald Tear(violence)

[Donald Duck]

I know I've redone this bout 5 times now ;D

The rain sang its whispering song as the thunder shouted angrily at the windows. Shaking their wooden shudders violently, tearing at them with tremendous power. Trying to let the rain dance inside Hannah's room.

She covered her head with the soft pillow trying to muffle the thunder's raging voice. Something large jumped onto her head making her bolt upright from underneath the pillow.

Bright yellow eyes stared at her never blinking or moving. They belonged to an old tomcat, an evil one for that matter. Hannah reached to shove the tom off her pilow but he swiped her hand with his nails. Causing her to wail and suck on her bleeding wound.

She kicked the pillow, making the cat fall off and try to grab the side of the bed. She glanced at the floor where the cat stared angrily at her. Light crawled along the wood edging its way to her bed. It came from the crack under her door, she saw shadows pass infront of it making the light skip.

Muffled voices argued outside her door but she ignored them and laid her head back on the pillow. Wishing to block everything out so she could sleep. She heard her bedroom door creep open and the tom scurry across the floor. Soft footsteps walked towards her and a wet hand gently stroked her hair.

"Can't sleep Hannah?" A voice whispered gently. She looked up from the pillow to see her fathers figure in the shadows of her room.

"Yes." She answered. "It's storming again"

"I noticed." He said. "Try to ignore it."

After that she heard his soft footsteps leave the room. She was alone again. Only the whispering rain and shouting thunder keeping her company. Slowly she fell asleep driffting away into dreams.

[Elasticband]

The rain sang its whispering song as the thunder shouted angrily at the windows. Shaking their wooden shudders violently, tearing at them with tremendous power. Trying to let the rain dance inside Hannah's room.

I like this bit, the thingy doodads are really good... urm... I can't remember what they're called...

She kicked the pillow, making the tom fall off and try to grab the side of the bed. She glanced at the floor where the tom stared angrily at her. Light crawled along the wood edging its ay to her bed. It came from the crack under her door, she saw shadows pass infront of it making the light skip.

This is the only bit where I can think of an improvement. I just think it would be better if you replace the second 'tom' with 'cat' or something to give it a bit more variety.

Otherwise it's really good

[Donald Duck]

fixed it and thanks

[Donald Duck]

A strange, terrible sound halted her dreams and startled her upright. A sharp, high cry filled with terror and fear.

She looked franticly around the room, searching for the owner. Hoping it was just a mouse caught by the cat and not something else. But she saw nothing in the inky blackness.

She gulped down the fear that was building inside her and listened for the sound. Her heart leapt when the cry came from behind her door.

It's just your imagination. She told herself but the cry was growing louder.

Then to her terror it stopped. She no longer heard it, whoever it belonged to it was gone or dead.

[Angie]

The rain sang its whispering song as the thunder shouted angrily at the windows. Shaking their wooden shudders violently, tearing at them with tremendous power. Trying to let the rain dance inside Hannah's room. - It sounds kind of awkward to have so many sentence fragments here. . .

She covered her head with the soft pillow to try to muffle the thunder's raging voice. Something large jumped onto her head making her bolt upright from underneath the pillow.

Bright yellow eyes stared at her with utter stillness. They belonged to an old tomcat, an evil one for that matter. Hannah reached to shove the tom off her pillow but he swiped her hand with his claw. Causing her to wail and suck on her bleeding wound. (Another sentence fragment that doesn't fit.)

She kicked the pillow, making the cat fall off and try to grab the side of the bed. (The end of that sentence is a little awkward) She glanced at the floor where it stared angrily at her. Light crawled along the wood, slowly edging its way to her bed. It came from the crack under her door, and she saw shadows pass infront of it, making the light skip.

Muffled voices argued outside her room, but she ignored them and laid her head back on the pillow. Wishing to block everything out so she could sleep. (Yet another sentence fragment.) She heard her bedroom door creep open and the tom scurry across the floor. Soft footsteps walked towards her, and a wet hand gently stroked her hair.

"Can't sleep, Hannah?" a voice whispered gently. She looked up from the pillow to see her father's figure in the darkness of her room.

"Yes," she answered. "It's storming again." ("Yes" seems a bit formal, doesn't it?)

"I noticed," he said. "Try to ignore it."

After that she heard his soft footsteps leave the room. She was alone again. Only the whispering rain and shouting thunder keeping her company. Slowly she fell asleep, drifting (I fixed the spelling on "drifting") away into dreams.

It's quite the intrigueing introduction. However, there are a lot of errors in it, and I made note of them in bold (look closely because I added a lot of commas and little things where they needed to be). Also, I changed some of the wordings around to make them sound better to me.

~

A strange, terrible sound halted her dreams and startled her upright. A sharp, high cry filled with terror and fear. (Another sentence fragment. Plus, you should get the description of the sound done in the first half of the first sentence. The second sentence sounds like an afterthought, and it really doesn't fit.)

She looked frantically (Fixed a spelling error.) around the room, searching for the shriek's owner. Hoping it was just a mouse caught by the cat and not something else. But she saw nothing in the inky blackness. (The second sentence is another fragment. Also, you should really try to refrain from using "but" as the start of a sentence because it's technically improper, and it should only be used to make a sentence give a stronger effect to the reader, but there is no use for it in this instance.)

She gulped down the fear that was building inside her and listened for the sound. Her heart leapt when the cry came from behind her door.

It's just your imagination, s[/b]he told herself, but the cry (You just used this word in the last paragraph, so you should probably change it.) was growing louder.

Then, to her terror, it stopped. She no longer heard it (You just practically repeated yourself.), for whoever it belonged to it was gone or dead. (This might just be me, but saying "gone or dead" tends to leave a bit too little to the reader's imagination.)

Other than the things I pointed out, the only complaint I have is that it's so short! Write on. (Hehe, stupid pun.) ;D

[Donald Duck]

alright and thanks Angie

[Angie]

No problem.

[callidascriptor]

You've snagged my interest. I like the way you described teh sounds in the beginning and the air of mystery around Hannah, the sounds, and the storms. My only complaint is that there both so short.

:)I like long 'chapters', but then the air of mystery goes with the short chapters. Waiting for more! ;D