Vampire kisses (some mild violence and language)

[Emily]

Heh... Anyway. this is the begining of a story I started yesterday. Please tell me what you think

(sorry it's so short, this is just the introduction)

Charlotte thrust in the keys to her flat and swung the door open. It crashed into the wall, causing the pictureframes hung up to tremble slightly.

She cursed under her breath, and slammed the door behind her, not bothering to lock it.
Charlotte stormed into her kitchen, and flopped on a chair.

I hate me job... She thought sadly. I hate my life

Suddenly, she spotted the biscuit jar out of the corner of her eye. She brightened almost instantly.
Screw my diet! She smiled to herself, standing up and walking over.
Charlotte opened the jar, before sighing and putting it down again.

"STOP! Step away from the cookie jar!" It sqwarked

Freaking novelties She thought angrily.

She dropped the jar and swore again as it shattered.

"Bite me! Freaking bite me!" She muttered crossly.

"Don't mind if I do" A silky voice purred in her ear.

Before she could spin around to face the speaker, she felt two razor sharp fangs sink into her body.
A white hot pain seared in her neck, and she could only gasp.

The pain ebbed from her, as the blood flowed away. Her limbs were getting heavier, and she felt so... tired.

She felt herself slipping into death.

She opened her bleary eyes for the last time, to see a pair of violet eyes glinting dangerously back at hers.

If only she had heard the door click open...

[Donald Duck]

This is good!

[Jayda]

I like it as well!

I will go so far to say as it seems almost disjointed in a few places, like it doesn't quite flow...but the story is interesting as a whole. Can't wait to read more!

[Emily]

jayda said:

I like it as well!

I will go so far to say as it seems almost disjointed in a few places, like it doesn't quite flow...but the story is interesting as a whole. Can't wait to read more!

Thanks I appreciate all criticism, so could you possibly tell me which bits or give me examples? Thanks

[Jayda]

Absolutely

She cursed under her breath and slammed the door behind her, not bothering to lock it.
Charlotte stormed into her kitchen and flopped on a chair.

This part seemed off to me. Maybe I'm just being picky, but it seemed a bit disconnected. At the same time, I'm not sure what to suggest you do with it.

a white hot pain seared in her neck. She was in too much shock to scream, as the two razor sharp fangs sunk into her body.

How come she felt pain before she was even bitten? Can you elaborate?

violet eyes grinning maliciously

I know what you were going for here, but eyes can't really grin. Maybe try gleaming or glinting instead?

Besides for those spots, I think you need to work on the punctuation in particular areas, like there are some missing commas that could add to the story as a whole.

Any of that help?

[Emily]

Tehe thanks JJ! *hugs*

The only bit that made me laugh, was when you said 'eyes can't really grin'.


.... Well you never know


Thanks! *runs off to go edit*

[Jayda]

lol, absolutely no problem. Anytime you need/want an opinion, you can ask me.

lol! Well, that's true. And all new things like that have to start somewhere, right? ;D

[Emily]

*Eyes start smiling*

See?!?

[randommonkey]

I Love this story. I just wanted to alert you that there is a series out there called Vampire kisses. But, according to the back of one of these books, this isn't like vampire kisses , so yeah.
great story