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Post by Donald Duck on Jul 27, 2006 16:23:02 GMT -5
hehe new fantasy story ;D
Dust danced on the tip of Ket's nose. Skipping and fleeing when he sneezed then quickly resettling. He shook his head but only more fell on him.
A book fell to the ground startling him upright. He hid in the shadows under the bed, his green eyes staring at the fallen book.
A girl's laughter crept into his ears and a small face appeared infront of him.
"You silly cat." She mocked and pulled him from under the bed. He was lifted onto the bed and the girl stroked his head.
"You're supposed to be a brave cat."
Srry 4 spellin errors!
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Post by Denithar on Jul 27, 2006 17:04:13 GMT -5
A bit awkward. "Infront" is not an English word. Soon you learn that he is actually a cat, and being a cat, I would imagine the human girl's head would not be small to him, but in fact large. Quite cute.  |
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Post by Donald Duck on Jul 27, 2006 17:20:55 GMT -5
alright thanks!
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Jul 28, 2006 15:46:28 GMT -5
Interesting...I do like the way you introduce him as a cat. Above comments should be noted; otherwise good beginning. (Though, I thought "He hid in the shadows under the bed, his green eyes staring at the fallen book." was a very nice sentance.) That title is a lot to live up to! I'd like to see a first post with some more plot.
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Post by Donald Duck on Jul 29, 2006 18:19:16 GMT -5
okay, and thanks Cy!
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Post by Donald Duck on Aug 3, 2006 21:26:41 GMT -5
Here is revised version and a little more had been added on it.  Dust danced on the tip of Ket's nose. Skipping and fleeing when he sneezed then quickly resettling. He shook his head but only more fell on him. A book fell to the ground, scattering even more dust into the air. It caused him to scurry andhide in the shadows under the bed. His green eyes staring at the fallen book. Watching it for even more movement. A girl's laughter crept into his ears and a face appeared before of him. "You silly cat." She mocked and pulled him from under the bed. He was lifted onto it and the girl stroked his calico head. "You're supposed to be a brave cat." She whispered in his large ears. He wrestled from her grasp darted across the floor. He hated it when she would hold him. Hands gripping his fur and pulling, it sent a chill up his spine just thinking about it. He hated humans and their large hands. But the girl - he couldn't hate her. He tried but it failed. She was the only human kind to him and there was something else. Something inside him that wouldn't let him hate the girl. |
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Aug 8, 2006 7:29:49 GMT -5
This "Skipping and fleeing when he sneezed then quickly resettling." is still a fragment. This whole thing "A book fell to the ground, scattering even more dust into the air. It caused him to scurry andhide in the shadows under the bed. His green eyes staring at the fallen book. Watching it for even more movement." definatly got worse. The first sentance is fine, but the second has "caused him", and that distances the reader by bringing in the verb "to be", instead of the action verb in "he hid" that lends life to the first version. The last two sentances in my selected part are FRAGMENTS. The first way was much more smooth. You're missing an 'and' here, "wrestled from her grasp darted across the floor.". The descriptions at the end are quite good and this seems to be a story from a fun point of view. Please heed my grammar warnings, that's all.
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Post by Donald Duck on Aug 8, 2006 17:58:53 GMT -5
alright thanks
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