Post by Jessica Sparrow on Jan 19, 2007 23:30:34 GMT -5
AUTHORS NOTE: Im not quite sure whether its completely done or not. I like it the way it is right now, but if you think there are some more things I should add, fee free to say so. I wrote this on a hair, so, its really short for me, but I liked it. Its good a cool meaning.
Patience
By: J.Sparrow
I was in love once, and…I’m afraid that I still am. It seems like every day I'm am doing the same thing, and wanting to shed the same tears that never really seemed to come out. And as I lay in my bed, holding the same little green pillow, listening to the same Areosmith song that I had proclaimed as ‘ours’, watching the same dumb chick flicks and thinking the same thoughts of why I can’t be like that. And I begin to wonder why not. It’s kinda crazy how the whole thing works, and it always begins and ends the same way. You could probably say it has become routine to me.
I’ll first start thinking of the good things, all the good times we had together when he would insist on walking by the ditch in our neighborhood, and no matter how much I didn’t like to, the times that I did always seemed to amaze me. To this day they still do. Then after that I would think of the bad times, like when he would ignore me completely, or when he kissed a girl playing truth or dare, and if the girl wouldn’t have told me, I probably would have never found out. But the worst time of all, the time I hate most in remembering, is when he came home from vacation last summer.
I wasn’t home that day he came back, I was doing a readers theater at the Library. My mother said that she was even tempted to drive him there to see me. She said that he looked so egger to talk to me after the three months that he had been gone, and after the one phone call that he had made in that period, which was on my birthday, like he had promised me he would. None the less, I came home that afternoon, and called him as soon as I got home. He didn’t offer to see me, or that we do anything the next day. He was too preoccupied with other things I suppose. Like the video games he had his head stuck in 90% of the time. But that wasn’t what began to really bother me. Not only, was I moving from the neighborhood that we both lived in, and hung out in, but he would completely ignore me. All he did was play video games, and skateboard with his friends. I would have to come to him to get any attention at all. I even stayed home for a full week, hopping one day he would show up, and say he missed me and loved me…and we would be okay again. But he never came. Around that time I was having allot of trouble at home, and was stressed to the max. There were so many things going on at once and I needed him at that time most of all, and rarely did I see him. Finally the day had come.
I went to Wal-Mart with my parents to get a few things, and my ‘friends’ the Thayer’s were there, Katie, Shane, and all their random brothers and sisters. I made the huge mistake of going and talking to them. The first thing that came out of Shane’s mouth was that my boyfriend, John, was dating another girl whom I knew. I didn’t believe him at first, but then I asked Katie if it was truth, and she said that yes, it was. When she told me these few sentences, that’s when I freaked. But what I didn’t yet know was they had lied. And I had fallen for it.
Unforchetly, it all began to fit, he was ignoring me, because he was bored or something and began to see her. As soon as I had left the store, and was in the parking lot going to the car, and had concocted all these thoughts and assumptions in my head, that’s when I cracked. I cried like a baby. I was so upset and angry; I just wanted to punch something. As soon as I got home, I called him, I was screaming and crying like crazy, and even while I was having my huge fit with him…he was so calm. He was talking to me in such a nice way, and telling me that it was all alright, and to calm down, and somehow, his words calmed me. I was still mad…but calm. That’s when I flat said it.
“If you weren’t with somebody else, and there was nothing else to distract you, why have you been ignoring me, and paying no attention to me once so ever. Ever since you came back home, it seems like you are a totally different person to me. Like I’m no longer the one you want anymore, not even as a friend.”
Right after that statement, he got quiet, then said he was coming over. So I sat down on the kitchen table, and waited. After about 10 minutes, he was there. My mother asked if she wanted me to let her ‘get rid of him’, and I said no, I would do it myself. And I did.
That afternoon, standing on my front stoop, like we always used to do, like all the good times we had had just in front of my house, I left him. It was over. I couldn’t take anymore on my plate, it was crazy. And instead of trying to cope and work things out, I left the only really important thing in my life to dry. That afternoon, I cried myself to sleep on my bed, thinking what I did was right, but yet, couldn’t believe that I had done it.
We didn’t talk for 3 months. For those 3 months, I think I went insane. I had picked up a new guy, Nate. But he wasn’t worth it; he broke up with me in a week’s time. After getting over him, which really didn’t take long, I started to once again remember John. That’s when it hit me, and it hit me so hard that it still is coming down on me to this day. I’m in love with him. He’s the one for me. He has surpassed anybody I have ever admitted to loving. From that point on, I would go to my old neighborhood, just so I could walk down his street and pass his house. Just to look at it. Maybe one day he would see me pass. He never did.
So one day, I finally pulled the guts to talk to him. I thought up the perfect excuse as well, I would ask him for my CD back that I knew he still had, and that would be it. Hello, thank you, goodbye. But it ended up more then I expected. All I wanted was to see his face, hear his voice, that’s it. But apparently, I wasn’t the only one missing the other.
We talked for almost two hours straight, right there in front of his house. It was more then I had dreamed. That moment I knew for sure that he is the one I wanted more then anybody else. The issue was, he too found someone else. But he was still with her, and liked her allot. I wanted to be happy for him, I really did, but somehow, there was no way that I could. He was my everything, and I couldn’t see him with somebody else.
That night, I figured allot of things out, not only did he not cheat on me, and all the various issues that we had accumulated were all for stupid reasons, but I had found out that he was growing up, and with that, growing out of me. That night, he was the smartest most responsible, perfect guy I had ever had the pleasure in speaking to. It was amazing. With that, my love for him grew even deeper, and to this day, I love him with all my heart. Every so often, I will go back and talk to him when I have the courage to. And we have had some more little issues and such, but I still love him. Whether he chooses to love me back, I might never know.
Some people, I think could call me dumb, or just hung up on him. But this is coming from people who do not know him at all. It’s stupid to think you can change somebody’s mind about somebody else, when you don’t even know the person. I have had more then one person try to change my perspective on John, I listened once, and I never did it again.
What I would like to know is, how do you walk away from somebody, who is such a big part of your life? How can you just leave without ever thinking about that person ever again after they have already claimed a big chunk of what was left of your heart? To me it seems impossible. I can remember times when I could tell John everything. And I mean everything; I never hid anything from him. He was my therapist or something. He never minded; he wanted to hear about it. I know this because on more then one occasion I had asked, or said that I didn’t want to complain to him 24-7. That eventually it would get on his everlasting nerve. But it never once did. To this day, I could probably share my darkest secrets with him. But I can’t seem to talk to him anymore, much less hear his voice, or look at him face. I get the chills when I do. I get all nervous, and I would shake It’s beyond my understanding, much less my control. He tells me to this day that all I have to do is pick up a phone and he’s there for me. And I know this is true…but that’s what scares me the most. I think it’s getting to the point that he’s the smart one now. Maybe I’m the problem, maybe I am the one that screwed everything up for nothing, and ruined his life, and now I’m paying for what I did by my love for him becoming my daily torture. Honestly I don’t know.
Heck, just recently, I went to this Christmas dance at my high school, and it was fun and everything, I had a killer dress, my friends were there, It was great, until I saw Johns brother. One thing you have to understand about his brother is, he looks EXACTLY like him, except he’s taller, and has dark hair. That’s it. No matter how creepy this might sound, by seeing John’s brother, I began to think about John the whole time. And it didn’t help one bit when they played Lips of an Angel, that song should win the award for most evil break-up song on the planet. If you don’t know that song, I recommend you don’t hear it. Especially if you’re a hopeless romantic such as myself. As soon as I heard the intro, I ran to the bathroom, and was in tears. That song has to have a curse on it or something. All the heartbroken chicks at that moment hit the bathroom. Every single one of them ether in tears, or pissed as hell. Being the tough girl I am, I decided to cry my eyes out in a stall. Till my friend Mellissa found me and brought me to my senses for a little while. Until I got home at least.
If there is one thing I hate, it’s crying, and by god I do it allot now a days. I have quite a few reasons to actually. Between all this stuff with John, and then school, and god help us all, my family. I should be in tears for the rest of all eternity. John was my only escape, the one person who could make me feel better, and special, even when I had absolutely no reason to.
I am still holding my little green pillow which he had given me for Christmas the year before, I am still watching the stupid chick flicks that remind me of him, I still listen to our song, and smile at the memories which it holds, and cry for those which I don’t like to remember, I am still wanting to cry the tears that never come out, and I still dream of him, and what could have been, and maybe just maybe…might someday be. If this is truly the one for me, I know God will send him to me one day; all I have to do is wait. Patience is a virtue that I obviously need to get a grasp on.
Patience
By: J.Sparrow
I was in love once, and…I’m afraid that I still am. It seems like every day I'm am doing the same thing, and wanting to shed the same tears that never really seemed to come out. And as I lay in my bed, holding the same little green pillow, listening to the same Areosmith song that I had proclaimed as ‘ours’, watching the same dumb chick flicks and thinking the same thoughts of why I can’t be like that. And I begin to wonder why not. It’s kinda crazy how the whole thing works, and it always begins and ends the same way. You could probably say it has become routine to me.
I’ll first start thinking of the good things, all the good times we had together when he would insist on walking by the ditch in our neighborhood, and no matter how much I didn’t like to, the times that I did always seemed to amaze me. To this day they still do. Then after that I would think of the bad times, like when he would ignore me completely, or when he kissed a girl playing truth or dare, and if the girl wouldn’t have told me, I probably would have never found out. But the worst time of all, the time I hate most in remembering, is when he came home from vacation last summer.
I wasn’t home that day he came back, I was doing a readers theater at the Library. My mother said that she was even tempted to drive him there to see me. She said that he looked so egger to talk to me after the three months that he had been gone, and after the one phone call that he had made in that period, which was on my birthday, like he had promised me he would. None the less, I came home that afternoon, and called him as soon as I got home. He didn’t offer to see me, or that we do anything the next day. He was too preoccupied with other things I suppose. Like the video games he had his head stuck in 90% of the time. But that wasn’t what began to really bother me. Not only, was I moving from the neighborhood that we both lived in, and hung out in, but he would completely ignore me. All he did was play video games, and skateboard with his friends. I would have to come to him to get any attention at all. I even stayed home for a full week, hopping one day he would show up, and say he missed me and loved me…and we would be okay again. But he never came. Around that time I was having allot of trouble at home, and was stressed to the max. There were so many things going on at once and I needed him at that time most of all, and rarely did I see him. Finally the day had come.
I went to Wal-Mart with my parents to get a few things, and my ‘friends’ the Thayer’s were there, Katie, Shane, and all their random brothers and sisters. I made the huge mistake of going and talking to them. The first thing that came out of Shane’s mouth was that my boyfriend, John, was dating another girl whom I knew. I didn’t believe him at first, but then I asked Katie if it was truth, and she said that yes, it was. When she told me these few sentences, that’s when I freaked. But what I didn’t yet know was they had lied. And I had fallen for it.
Unforchetly, it all began to fit, he was ignoring me, because he was bored or something and began to see her. As soon as I had left the store, and was in the parking lot going to the car, and had concocted all these thoughts and assumptions in my head, that’s when I cracked. I cried like a baby. I was so upset and angry; I just wanted to punch something. As soon as I got home, I called him, I was screaming and crying like crazy, and even while I was having my huge fit with him…he was so calm. He was talking to me in such a nice way, and telling me that it was all alright, and to calm down, and somehow, his words calmed me. I was still mad…but calm. That’s when I flat said it.
“If you weren’t with somebody else, and there was nothing else to distract you, why have you been ignoring me, and paying no attention to me once so ever. Ever since you came back home, it seems like you are a totally different person to me. Like I’m no longer the one you want anymore, not even as a friend.”
Right after that statement, he got quiet, then said he was coming over. So I sat down on the kitchen table, and waited. After about 10 minutes, he was there. My mother asked if she wanted me to let her ‘get rid of him’, and I said no, I would do it myself. And I did.
That afternoon, standing on my front stoop, like we always used to do, like all the good times we had had just in front of my house, I left him. It was over. I couldn’t take anymore on my plate, it was crazy. And instead of trying to cope and work things out, I left the only really important thing in my life to dry. That afternoon, I cried myself to sleep on my bed, thinking what I did was right, but yet, couldn’t believe that I had done it.
We didn’t talk for 3 months. For those 3 months, I think I went insane. I had picked up a new guy, Nate. But he wasn’t worth it; he broke up with me in a week’s time. After getting over him, which really didn’t take long, I started to once again remember John. That’s when it hit me, and it hit me so hard that it still is coming down on me to this day. I’m in love with him. He’s the one for me. He has surpassed anybody I have ever admitted to loving. From that point on, I would go to my old neighborhood, just so I could walk down his street and pass his house. Just to look at it. Maybe one day he would see me pass. He never did.
So one day, I finally pulled the guts to talk to him. I thought up the perfect excuse as well, I would ask him for my CD back that I knew he still had, and that would be it. Hello, thank you, goodbye. But it ended up more then I expected. All I wanted was to see his face, hear his voice, that’s it. But apparently, I wasn’t the only one missing the other.
We talked for almost two hours straight, right there in front of his house. It was more then I had dreamed. That moment I knew for sure that he is the one I wanted more then anybody else. The issue was, he too found someone else. But he was still with her, and liked her allot. I wanted to be happy for him, I really did, but somehow, there was no way that I could. He was my everything, and I couldn’t see him with somebody else.
That night, I figured allot of things out, not only did he not cheat on me, and all the various issues that we had accumulated were all for stupid reasons, but I had found out that he was growing up, and with that, growing out of me. That night, he was the smartest most responsible, perfect guy I had ever had the pleasure in speaking to. It was amazing. With that, my love for him grew even deeper, and to this day, I love him with all my heart. Every so often, I will go back and talk to him when I have the courage to. And we have had some more little issues and such, but I still love him. Whether he chooses to love me back, I might never know.
Some people, I think could call me dumb, or just hung up on him. But this is coming from people who do not know him at all. It’s stupid to think you can change somebody’s mind about somebody else, when you don’t even know the person. I have had more then one person try to change my perspective on John, I listened once, and I never did it again.
What I would like to know is, how do you walk away from somebody, who is such a big part of your life? How can you just leave without ever thinking about that person ever again after they have already claimed a big chunk of what was left of your heart? To me it seems impossible. I can remember times when I could tell John everything. And I mean everything; I never hid anything from him. He was my therapist or something. He never minded; he wanted to hear about it. I know this because on more then one occasion I had asked, or said that I didn’t want to complain to him 24-7. That eventually it would get on his everlasting nerve. But it never once did. To this day, I could probably share my darkest secrets with him. But I can’t seem to talk to him anymore, much less hear his voice, or look at him face. I get the chills when I do. I get all nervous, and I would shake It’s beyond my understanding, much less my control. He tells me to this day that all I have to do is pick up a phone and he’s there for me. And I know this is true…but that’s what scares me the most. I think it’s getting to the point that he’s the smart one now. Maybe I’m the problem, maybe I am the one that screwed everything up for nothing, and ruined his life, and now I’m paying for what I did by my love for him becoming my daily torture. Honestly I don’t know.
Heck, just recently, I went to this Christmas dance at my high school, and it was fun and everything, I had a killer dress, my friends were there, It was great, until I saw Johns brother. One thing you have to understand about his brother is, he looks EXACTLY like him, except he’s taller, and has dark hair. That’s it. No matter how creepy this might sound, by seeing John’s brother, I began to think about John the whole time. And it didn’t help one bit when they played Lips of an Angel, that song should win the award for most evil break-up song on the planet. If you don’t know that song, I recommend you don’t hear it. Especially if you’re a hopeless romantic such as myself. As soon as I heard the intro, I ran to the bathroom, and was in tears. That song has to have a curse on it or something. All the heartbroken chicks at that moment hit the bathroom. Every single one of them ether in tears, or pissed as hell. Being the tough girl I am, I decided to cry my eyes out in a stall. Till my friend Mellissa found me and brought me to my senses for a little while. Until I got home at least.
If there is one thing I hate, it’s crying, and by god I do it allot now a days. I have quite a few reasons to actually. Between all this stuff with John, and then school, and god help us all, my family. I should be in tears for the rest of all eternity. John was my only escape, the one person who could make me feel better, and special, even when I had absolutely no reason to.
I am still holding my little green pillow which he had given me for Christmas the year before, I am still watching the stupid chick flicks that remind me of him, I still listen to our song, and smile at the memories which it holds, and cry for those which I don’t like to remember, I am still wanting to cry the tears that never come out, and I still dream of him, and what could have been, and maybe just maybe…might someday be. If this is truly the one for me, I know God will send him to me one day; all I have to do is wait. Patience is a virtue that I obviously need to get a grasp on.
