Twilight Moons

[Donald Duck]

This shall be PG-13 for violence and a few rude lang.

Chapter 1

Karia ran threw the crowded marketplace smiling triumphantly. She could hear the soldier heaving for breath as he pursued her. Gripping the bag of coins with her teeth she climbed onto a box outside a merchants stall and jumped to the stall’s ledge.

“Not you again!” The merchant cursed. He tried to grip her ankle and pull her down before she could climb onto the cloth-covered roof but ended up being kicked in the nose.

She took the coin bag from her mouth when she stood firmly on top of the stall. She smiled and laughed. “You’ll never catch me!”

Only a few of the peasant shoppers turned their gaze toward her. The out of breath soldier smiled when a crack and quick snap came from under her. The roof collapsed hurtling Karia to the ground. The shoppers burst out laughing except for the merchant. He stared angrily at the destroyed stall and the broken boxes. Salamanders scurried from one and fruit spilled from the others.

The soldier hoisted Karia to her feet, gripping her arm tightly so she couldn’t break free. He tore the bag of coins from her hands and pulled her threw the marketplace towards the palace.

Not wishing to be stuck in the palace’s dungeons for the rest of her life she whispered a few words the soldier couldn’t hear. Fire spread up her arm burning the man’s hand. It caused him to wail in surprise and pain, releasing her in the process.

The shoppers stared in shock at the burned soldier and Karia. She knew why. Here anyone that knew magic was feared or hated. They would be sentenced to death if ever caught.

Karia extinguished the fire on her arm as she made her way threw the crowds.

“Idiot!” A boys voice scowled angrily. Before she could react she was pulled roughly behind an abandoned stall and a hand clasped tightly over her mouth. "I told you before you'll be killed if anyone finds out you know magic!"

The dark skinned boy released her only to slap her in the face.

"Dammit Tynan leave me alone. I messed up so what? I'll just leave the city." Karia stated angrily as she rubbed the spot Tynan slapped her.

"And how do you intend to cross the lifeless desert that surrounds Sakreh?"

"I'll find a way. Just you wait I'll escape this place and never come back." She muttered crossly. She stood up but was quickly pulled back down by Tynan.

"Stay down." He scowled. "The Strangers are looking for you."

Karia remembered who the strangers were. They were the shadows of the desert. Always sneaking around in darkness killing anyone who got in his or her way.

"Why are they after me?" Karia asked. What had she done to them? Tynan only glared at her and motioned for him to follow her.

[scarecrow]

The story is leaping ahead at an alarming rate, mostly because you neglected to detail what's going on. One moment we understand that she's a thief running from the law, one moment we find out that magic is forbidden, one moment we find out that she's going to run away, one moment we find out that The Strangers are after her. It's quite a bit much for a first chapter, but I think it works well. It would work better if you'd stopped and given us a little detail to come to grips with what's happening.

My only true problem is the introduction of The Strangers. I think no matter how you spun it, it would come off as a bit premature. I think you should have taken your time to establish this mysterious group to make it all the more enigmatic, instead of being so abrupt and thrusting them into your very first chapter.

Karia is quite the character. She seems wholly unconcerned with everything. She brazenly taunts the soldier pursuing her, completely uncaring about the consequences of whether or not she's caught for her thievery. She's unphased when she falls down from the roof and onto the stall, taking it in stride. This becomes even more pronounced when she's caught and uses the forbidden magic, knowing that she'll be killed for doing so. When Tynan confronts her about it, she's all, "Whatever, I'll just skip town." Totally fearless to the point of being stupid, which is why she's so interesting. I'm assuming that she's a young girl, because any adult would have the sense to have at least a modicum of rational fear and common sense to try to find some other way of escaping the guard than magic.

Overall, I'd say that this piece did catch my interest and retain it, and even though I'm not thrilled with the speed things are unfolding, that's part of what makes it so readable and breezy. In short, I liked it, and I hope you continue with it.

[Shadow]

Liked the story I'm not too good as this critique thing. So I'll just say I spotted one spelling mistake which was threw it's spelt through when you are goin through something.

[Cy Skywalker]

You have a variety of grammar errors, but quite a few where commas are seemingly needed for flow but don't get put. I'd write the first few paragraphs pretty much

"Karia ran THROUGH the crowded marketplace, smiling triumphantly. She could hear the soldier heaving for breath as he pursued her. Gripping the bag of coins with her teeth, she climbed onto a box outside a merchant's stall and jumped to the stall’s ledge.
“Not you again!” The merchant cursed. He tried to grip her ankle and pull her down before she could climb onto the cloth-covered roof, but ended up being kicked in the nose."

Your sentances tend to run on. Also that last sentance is in passive voice; say it more like "but Karia kicked him in the nose."

It's nice how you throw us into the story, and I liked the use of salamanders for detail cause, well, it's kinda wierd. (Multiple times your flow problem comes from things like this "Fire spread up her arm COMMA burning the man’s hand.")

"the lifeless desert that surrounds Sakreh" is a blatant explanation of geography; wouldn't a person in a hurry be more likely to just say "the desert"?

I thought your pacing was ok though; the only thing that really hampers this that I can judge so far is the commas and the thing about the desert. Continue!