Post by Gil Alexander on Sept 5, 2006 14:25:16 GMT -5
Early on in the morning of Saturday, December 14, 2008, the FDA released an emergency health message that interrupted all news, radio and television broadcasts with a communication of extreme urgency. It said, “Mathematicians and scientists alike, together, have discovered, and found in their discovery, late last night, that an important chemical found in coffee beans is monstrously and fatally harmful to yours and everyone’s health, physically and mentally speaking. Please remain calm and stay in your homes as your government and its scientists find a cure for this malady. While we have no cure as of yet, we predict to have one in either the near future, or else sometime in the far future. Again, please remain calm and safe in your homes. If you have coffee, coffee concentrate, coffee beans, espresso, frapuccino, cappuccino, coffee cake, or any other coffee related products (including drinks and foods) carefully put them all in a large garbage bag and put it on your treelawn. Avoid any contact with the substance, for it may cause anything from lung cancer to decapitation to spontaneous combustion. Local officials will pick the garbage bags up and dump it all in the ocean. It won’t harm us there, thank God!” And it so it ended. It turned out, as the scientists conjectured, that coffee played a huge part in everyone’s death, because almost everyone who drank coffee had died, or at least will die sometime in their lifetime.
Total anarchy ensued. A half hour after the broadcast was heard in Detroit, a massive, forty-eight car pileup accumulated over a bridge as regular Starbucks addicts panicked and were in shock, staring in horror at their paper or cardboard mugs and cups all with an urgent warning on the side, “Caution: contents may be Hot.” Isolationist archipelagos in the middle of the desert ridden western United States, in a paranoia resonating deep in their minds, “quarantined” each other with various weapons of “defense,” like dynamite, pitchforks, muskets, rifles, knives, and homemade bombs. Thankfully, the eruptions weren’t seen by much of anybody else because they all attended to their own, individual logics (panics.) By nine o’clock, all of Denmark had sunk to hell in an ‘earth’shattering ‘earth’quake of sanity. New Hampshire, who nobody knew about or cared about, had formed a totalitarian government by ten, mimicking the Reign in Terror several hundred years ago. Some people, later on, hypothesized that all of this strange uncalled for commotion was indeed related to coffee. China was virtually unaffected because they drink tea, instead of coffee. An ancient Greek philosopher, long dead, rose from his grave and shouted to the heavens, “Damn you, Zeus!”
Children, however, thought differently. Kids of all ages, heritages, tongues and cultures were united as one in standing in the middle of the streets and asking each other, “What the f*ck is going on?”
A midday conference held in Washington DC collected military, political and social leaders by the hundreds to find out what the heck they should do. A certain leader, whose name will not be mentioned, stood, yawned and went to the coffee machine. He’d been up all night, working on a Grand Master Sudoku puzzle (for if coffee hadn’t ended the world, Sudoku surely would have.), so this certain worldly leader was immensely tired. And what was there to do but get a cup of coffee?
He filled himself a cup of coffee, took a sip, realized what he had done, had a heart attack, and died. The scientists were right: the thesis stood.
Total anarchy ensued. A half hour after the broadcast was heard in Detroit, a massive, forty-eight car pileup accumulated over a bridge as regular Starbucks addicts panicked and were in shock, staring in horror at their paper or cardboard mugs and cups all with an urgent warning on the side, “Caution: contents may be Hot.” Isolationist archipelagos in the middle of the desert ridden western United States, in a paranoia resonating deep in their minds, “quarantined” each other with various weapons of “defense,” like dynamite, pitchforks, muskets, rifles, knives, and homemade bombs. Thankfully, the eruptions weren’t seen by much of anybody else because they all attended to their own, individual logics (panics.) By nine o’clock, all of Denmark had sunk to hell in an ‘earth’shattering ‘earth’quake of sanity. New Hampshire, who nobody knew about or cared about, had formed a totalitarian government by ten, mimicking the Reign in Terror several hundred years ago. Some people, later on, hypothesized that all of this strange uncalled for commotion was indeed related to coffee. China was virtually unaffected because they drink tea, instead of coffee. An ancient Greek philosopher, long dead, rose from his grave and shouted to the heavens, “Damn you, Zeus!”
Children, however, thought differently. Kids of all ages, heritages, tongues and cultures were united as one in standing in the middle of the streets and asking each other, “What the f*ck is going on?”
A midday conference held in Washington DC collected military, political and social leaders by the hundreds to find out what the heck they should do. A certain leader, whose name will not be mentioned, stood, yawned and went to the coffee machine. He’d been up all night, working on a Grand Master Sudoku puzzle (for if coffee hadn’t ended the world, Sudoku surely would have.), so this certain worldly leader was immensely tired. And what was there to do but get a cup of coffee?
He filled himself a cup of coffee, took a sip, realized what he had done, had a heart attack, and died. The scientists were right: the thesis stood.