The Nutters Episode 3 (**WARNING**: Bad Language)

[Creative]

The Nutters In "Break A Leg" (Episode 3.)


"Wakey, wakey!" Herbert shouted through Fred's bedroom door.
There was no answer, so Herbert shouted louder, "Wake up, you pickled
prune!"
There was still no answer, so Herbert went into the kitchen and filled
a bucket full of water.
He then went into Fred's bedroom and poured the water over him.
Waking up with a start, Fred gasped, "My bloody bed's all wet now!"
"Well," replied a hysterical Herbert, "It's time you stopped that by
now. What would your mother say if she knew you still wet the bed at
your age?"
"You wet the bloody bed! And don't mention that woman!" snapped Fred.
Just then, there was a knock at the front door.
"Ah, Wally. Nice to see you, Nice. What brings you here this morning?"
"All I could hear was this yelling - wakey wakey!" raged Wally.
"Well, it seems to have done the trick - I mean you're up bright and
early ain't ya?"
"Yes," snapped Wally, "And I don’t bloody want to be!"
"Oh well, no harm in a little practice is there?", and with that,
Herbert shut the door.

By the time Fred came into the kitchen, Herbert had a plate of bacon
and eggs ready.
"I made your breakfast," he said to Fred.
"Oh, thanks," Fred replied taking the plate.
Taking the plate back, Herbert snapped, "This isn't for you. it's
mine. Your breakfast is over there on the kitchen table."
Fred's face fell when he saw the bowl of cornflakes waiting for him.
"Any milk?" he asked.
"No," replied Herbert, "I drank it."
"There was two bloody pints!" raged Fred.
"Yeah," said Herbert, "I was thirsty."
"You must have been! Oh well, never mind - I'll just have condensed
then."
"Ah, that may pose a problem."
"Why, you've not drank that too have you?"
"No, but - oh just look over there," Herbert said pointing to the cat
happily lapping up it's saucer of condensed milk.

Later, the pair knock on Emily Side's door. She had asked them to build a house for her.
"H-hello?" she said, opening the door.
"Hi," said Herbert, showing her a card, "We've come to build your
house."
"Ah, yes. Do come in."

Once inside, Herbert said, "You do have planning permission, I take
it?"
"Well, er, no, I'm afraid I don't," replied Emily.
"Not to worry," Herbert said, "I work for the council. That will be no
problem at all."
"Herbert," growled Fred, "I want a private word with you." With that,
he pulled him into the hallway and said, "You do not work for the
council."
"I know," replied Herbert, "But she doesn't have to know that, does
she?"
Herbert then walked back into the living room, with Fred following
behind.
"So, where do you want this house built then?" asked Herbert.
"Well, if you will kindly give me a lift, I will gladly show you the
way." replied Emily.
"Yes, yes, of course," said Herbert, "Before we set off, is there any
chance of a cuppa?"
"Yes, I shall go and make you one now."
"Not at all, not at all," Herbert said, "I will make you one. How do
you like it?"
"Two sugars please," Emily said.
"You want one Fred?" asked Herbert.
"No, I'm alright, thanks," replied Fred.

Herbert went into the kitchen and turned on the kettle. Unfortunately,
he had forgotten to put any water in it, and so it blew up.
So he made two cold cups of tea with sugar and milk, and once he'd
stirred them, put them in the microwave and turned it on.
But, as luck would have it, he'd left the tea-spoons in, causing the
microwave to make a bang.
"What was that?" gasped Emily.
Herbert poked his head out of the kitchen door, and said, "Nothing.
Just banged my head, that's all."
"Herbert then retrieved the "tea" and poured it down the sink.
Then he placed another tea bag in each of the cups, added hot water
from the tap, and added sugar and milk.
Once he had stirred them, Herbert tasted one cuppa, and spat it out in
disgust. Noticing a squirrel in the back garden, he carefully opened
the back door, and poured the "tea" outside. The squirrel lapped it up
happily.
Then Herbert went into the living room and gave Emily her brew.
Fred was getting a little bored by now, and so went to have a look in
the garden.
"Emily," he said, "What's a dead squirrel doing in your back garden?"
Later, the three set off to the plot of land Emily had purchased.

Months passed before the house was completed.
"I must congratulate you on a splendid job," gushed Emily.
"Thankyou," Herbert said.
"Yes," said Fred, patting the front wall, "safe as houses.
Suddenly, there was a creaking noise, and the house came crashing
down.
"Oops," said Herbert, "I think we forgot the mortar. Good job you were wearing
your hard hat Fred"
"Not really," grimaced Fred, "A few bricks landed on me leg. I think
it's broken."
"Oh dear," said Herbert, Emily, you get his arms and I'll get his
legs. Help me get him into the van."
"Crikey!" Herbert gasped, dropping Fred's good leg into some broken
glass, "You're heavy!"
"That's right, go and break me other leg too! Why not break an arm
too while you're at it?" snapped Fred.
"Oh," gasped Herbert, tripping over a brick and landing right on
Fred's left arm.
"Thanks," yelled Fred, "I didn't mean yer to do it literally!"

Finally, Emily and Herbert managed to get Fred into the van.

A few days later,, Emily phoned the Nutter's house.
Hi," she said, "I'm wondering when you can do my house properly."
"Well," replied Herbert, "My brother has broken one leg, fractured the
other and broken an arm. So I am afraid we we won't be able to do it
for some weeks. I'm sorry."
After putting the phone down, Herbert lit up a cigarette, put his
feet up on the table, and grinning said, "Nice one Fred!"

The End

The bit about Fred's Mum, you'll find out why he didn't want her mentioned in a later episode, but basically, she left him (he was 7 at the time) and his Dad for a guy she had only just met, and seemed to have forgot all about her son.
In another episode, she will return at last.

[Chris]

I think this story is about a father and son who are employed by a woman to build her a house, and craziness ensues. I think that this story's purpose is to entertain through comedy, and I think that its intended audience is your fellow guildians. The following review is based upon the preceding assumptions.

The Nutters are back to make us laugh, but the only way this thing will get a laugh out of anyone is if we are laughing to ridicule anyone who thinks they see anything resembling humor in this piece, which is dead in the water from the very beginning, and worsens the more you read it.

I'm going to make the summary of the story brief and painless, unlike the story itself, which is about as long (double the length of the other two episodes) as it is uninspired.

The story starts with Fred's attempts at waking up Herbert. Yelling doesn't work (well, it does, but on the wrong person, as the irritable Wally illustrates later on), so he tries a bucket of water. That does the trick. Of course, there is water and a bed involved, so cue the betwetting joke attempt.

Insert eye roll here. Oh, I'm sorry, we have smilies for that now.



Next: breakfast. Herbert's eating bacon and eggs, which only leaves cereal for Fred. Unfortunately, Herbert has downed both pints of the milk, and when Fred decides to settle for condensed milk, we find that the cat's already got dibs.



Next: Emily Side's house. She needs a house built, and she's hired the Nutters to get it done. She hasn't gotten the planning permission, but Fred lies and says that he's on the council, so no problem. They go inside, and Fred suggests that maybe the should get some refreshments before proceeding, and he offers to make them himself. He proceeds to blow up the kettle, forgetting to put any water in it; he tries making the tea in the microwave, but he forgets the spoons in it; he tosses the spoilt tea outside, and a squirrel laps it up, the result of which is its untimely death.



Next: Months pass, the construction is over. Fred insists the house is "safe as houses" and gives it a little pat, and (yes, you guessed it!) the house comes crumbling down, on top of poor Herbert.

Do I even have to do it at this point? No, I guess I don't.

But nevertheless . . .



When Emily calls the hospital, wondering when she can expect the house to be completed. "My brother has broken one leg, fractured the
other and broken an arm. So I am afraid we we won't be able to do it
for some weeks. I'm sorry."
After putting the phone down, Herbert lit up a cigarette, put his
feet up on the table, and grinning said, "Nice one Fred!"

Alls well that ends well. And I say that the ends well because I'd appreciate any end at all to this story, and the end itself couldn't have come soon enough.

If we guildians are the intended audience of this story, then this story underestimates our intelligence to the point where it is insulting, degrading. I know that I'm being sort of harsh here, but I hope you'll forgive me because I can hardly even see straight from my disappointment. Whatever tree these Nuts fell out of, they've fallen so far from it they could brag about it. That is, if that were the kind of thing you'd want to brag about, and in this case, it definitely isn't. The little charm, humor and fun that was spawned by the first episode in this series is so far away from this cliched, tasteless, unmitigated disaster that you'd need to be able to manipulate the space-time continuum to find your way back.

Let's hope, however futile that hope is, that if anyone can do it, Creative can, and take us back to that first time where he could actually entertain us.