Brokenhearts
Rank 15 (On Angie's Level)
Beware, all ye who talk 2 me
Posts: 4,934
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Post by Brokenhearts on Nov 9, 2006 15:11:08 GMT -5
PROOOOSHAAAAA ;D am in the process of readin it  shall give u PROPER feed bak asap  |
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Post by ninjapirate on Nov 9, 2006 15:29:02 GMT -5
thank yew deary, em its not finished keep in mind pleash and its not tht good keep tht in mind too x |
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Post by Cy Skywalker on Nov 11, 2006 16:32:05 GMT -5
Is there supposed to be a story up here? I can't find it.
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Post by Denithar on Nov 11, 2006 16:56:04 GMT -5
There was... I saw it with my own eyes a while ago. I hadn't actually read it though. The author being who she is, perhaps a mod found something they didn't like in it and deleted it.
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Post by ninjapirate on Nov 12, 2006 7:56:52 GMT -5
Yeah thanks...i got rid of it ACCIDENTLY and dont read this if u have 'sensitive hearing'
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Post by Denithar on Nov 12, 2006 17:25:36 GMT -5
But then I wake up fully from my dream and fantasies and realise that this is real life and you know what…life does suck as much as the nightmares you have when you realise you are not worth it!.Awkward wording here. The word is spelled "realize". Also, a period and exclamation point are never used in conjunction. He looked up and saw her eyes for the first time in his flipping boring life and realised how much an idiot shallow he has been with her.This is an awkward sentence. Going back to the place he got reminded of other times when he felt like the way she feels now.You seem to have a problem with your tenses. When he had no one and felt depressed 24/7.This is an incomplete sentence. I won't go to the pains of pointing out everything. You get the idea. I sense some real emotion, and heart in the piece, but before I can review it for deeper things it needs to have correct grammar. Best of luck, I think you could make it into an entertaining piece with some work. 
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Erik
Rank 7 (Ooooh! Look, Fungus!)
Minijohn
Posts: 1,396
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Post by Erik on Nov 14, 2006 12:35:44 GMT -5
Umm ignoring the previous two posts I have to agree with what you say Den, except that the word 'realize' is in fact spelt realise over here in the U.K. so that is in fact entirely correct. Nice constructive criticism, Prosha that's what people do around here, give advice and try to improve work. I'm sure Ash explained that to you. I know it seemed really negative but believe me there are *some* writers on here who are FAR, FAR more critical than Denithar here it's just something you have to get used to. We could all say it was amazing sure, but what good would that do us or you in the long run? Sorry if this sounds like a rant, it really wasn't meant to be. |
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Post by ninjapirate on Nov 14, 2006 12:50:20 GMT -5
ahhh please people just leave me alone...!!!! thanks Erik, but no thanks and how do u know my name? hmm |
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Erik
Rank 7 (Ooooh! Look, Fungus!)
Minijohn
Posts: 1,396
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Post by Erik on Nov 14, 2006 12:59:03 GMT -5
Erik is in fact the cunning Steven in disguise, boyfriend to the illustrious Ash. Oh and even if I didn't, it's at the top of the page. Trust AJ to use real names  |
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Post by Emily on Nov 14, 2006 13:43:41 GMT -5
God - Why are you so rude? Loser....Ha whatever, go find another site if you can't accept constructive criticism |
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Post by Denithar on Nov 15, 2006 0:10:23 GMT -5
I think I missed something... Wow, I was harsh? Really, I had no idea. That's just how I review. |
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shall give u PROPER feed bak asap 
