I'm finally posting my untitled story!!!

[isilwen]

this is only the first part ... the rest isn't typed yet ... Den, keep in mind that I haven't changed any of this since you read it before ... I plan on changing some things, but I haven't gotten around to it yet ... I thought perhaps I should get a few more opinions before I started fixing it. That way, I can make all the necessary changes at once.

About a rating ... I don't think it will require one ... it's definately below R/PG13 rating ... in my mind anyway ... if anyone disagrees, I'd be willing to argue the point ... it's a pretty clean story ... unlike some others I've helped with ...

[isilwen]

Chapter 1
Click. Violet woke up with a start. Her eyes darted around the room to find the source of the noise that had awakened her. A gun glinted dully in the moonlight shining through her bedroom window. Violet couldn’t believe her fantasies were coming true; she’d always thought up stories where someone came after her, but the real thing was worse than she could have imagined.

Violet narrowed her eyes so the invaders wouldn’t be able to see if her eyes were open or closed, but she could still see them. As if she could find them in the shadows. She didn’t want to be caught off guard; after all, she was always ready in her fantasies.

Guns were a different story, though; she didn’t know how to protect herself against them as well as she did with swords. Oh well, Violet thought, I’ll figure it out when the time comes.

Violet watched the gun and the shadows near it for any hint of movement, but she didn’t hear or see anything more until she’d nearly drifted back to sleep.

The intruders, thinking their prey asleep, moved quietly toward the bed she lay on. The man with the gun stayed put so that, if the girl was awake, she wouldn’t see the movement until the others were upon her. Several of them left the room while two snuck up to the girl.

Violet felt a hand cover her mouth, and the gun moved from the moonlight. Seconds later, the cold metal was against her head, and a voice was whispering to her.

“Yer comin’ wit’ us quietly, li’l missy, or else you’ll have a bullet through your skull. Unde’stood?”

The girl nodded wordlessly, wishing she could attract some help from the other members of the household. Ropes cut into her bare ankles and wrists, and she was thrown over the wide, strong shoulder of her captor.

Several times during the journey, Violet was jostled awake as the man repositioned her on his shoulder, but she was so tired that she slept most of the way.

She woke up nearly half an hour after she’d been taken, but when she looked around, she didn’t recognize anything except the pistol lying on a window ledge on the other side of the room. The room was small, the walls wooden. A wood chest sat on the floor beneath the small round window in the wall opposite the bed.

The door at the foot of the bed opened and a man stepped in. “Ah, I though’ you’d be awake,” he said, grinning evilly. He turned and motioned someone to follow him. The man, a pirate by appearance, was followed into the room by ten others with three captives. Violet’s eyes went wide as she recognized the captives as the man her mother had promised her to, Gabriel, her worst enemy, Donnel, and her best friend, Rose.

“Who are you, and what do you want?” Violet demanded of the pirate.

“I’m terribly sorray, le’ me introduce meself,” the pirate answered. “I’m Cap’in Davy, an’ this is me crew. As for wha’ we wan’, you shoul’ know tha’ by now.”

Captain Davy. The name drained all the color from Violet’s face. She’d heard stories about the mad, blood-thirsty pirate captain, stories unfit to repeat lest they drive both the listener and the teller to madness. Legend had it that he and his crew were under a curse, though nobody knew much about it.

“Well, Captain,” Violet managed, fighting back her fear, “I think that … that I’d rather have you tell me what you want than to guess.” No matter how she tried to keep it hidden, her fear was apparent in both her face and her voice.

“Obv’ously,” the captain chuckled, “we wan’ you.”

“But what about the others?”

Captain Davy grinned. Three guns clicked and were pointed at the prisoners’ heads. “Wha’ says you li’l’ girl? Will ye be joinin’ us?”

The crew members chuckled wickedly, and the captives began to get nervous, hoping Violet wouldn’t condemn them to death.

Violet folded her arms across her chest in defiance and calmly answered her captors. “You can have me,” she said, “but only after I see that all three of the others are safely on the shore.”

“An’ how d’ we make sure you don’ get ‘way as well?”

Violet sighed, rolled her eyes, and stuck out her right arm. The captain pulled a thin chain out of the chest and chained her wrist to his left wrist.

Gabriel wrenched his arms from the hands of his captors and the ropes that bound his wrists. He ran at Violet and the captain, fell on his knees by the side of the bed, and begged Violet not to do what she was doing. “I need you, Violet,” he whispered as lightning flashed in the distant night.

“And I need you,” she whispered back, looking out the small window.

Distant thunder rumbled and pain flooded through Violet. Gabriel was grabbed, and his wrists were retied.

“Don’t, Violet. Please,” Gabriel managed before he was forced out of the room by the pirates with the other two captives.

Once the captain and Violet were alone, the pirate spoke again. “We’ll be to sho’ in a few minutes. We mus’ be on deck.”

Captain Davy paused a moment, waiting for Violet to get up. When she didn’t move, he ordered her to comply. Violet started to lift herself off the bed, but before she got her head an inch off the pillow, pain seared through her and she fell back. The captain again ordered her to get up, but she closed her eyes against the pain and shook her head.

“What?” the captain thundered. His sword whistled he drew it from its sheath and placed the tip to Violet’s throat. The girl opened her eyes slowly and whispered in response to his question.

“I can’t.”

“An’ why no’? Ye look perfec’ly fine ta me.” Captain Davy pulled his sword away and waited for Violet to answer.

Unable to explain, Violet instead un-tucked her blouse from the front of her skirt and moved the blouse three inches above her belly button so that the pirate could see the fatal wound on her stomach.

“I though’ you’d gotten rida tha’.” The captain was shocked. “You’ve had tha’ long enough it shoul’ be healed.”

Violet didn’t answer. The storm continued outside, visibly closer now, and Violet grew continually paler. The light from the nearly full moon was blocked out by the clouds massing overhead. Lightning streaked across the sky, lighting up the dark room. Violet cried out in pain and blacked out.

Chapter 2
“No!” Gabriel exclaimed. “You can’t! She’ll die.”

“No she won’. She’ll be bette’ in a co’ple a days.”

“Captain, you don’t understand; she needs me. I’m the only reason she’s still alive. Only I can properly treat her.” Gabriel looked down at his lap. “No one else knows how,” he added softly.

“We can’ risk bein’ seen near sho’. We got ta follo’ the gi’l’s o’de’s. You three are ta be freed.”

“Gabriel, don’t,” Rose’s Irish accent interjected when she say the persistent look on the young man’s face. “You know ya won’t win. He’s a pirate captain if that means anythin’ to ya.”

“Fine,” Gabriel said, “but then you can’t stop a free man from coming back on board.”

“Gabriel –”

“No, Rose, I can’t go home and let Violet die. You know as well as I do that she’ll die without the proper treatment, and you also know that I’m the only one who knows how to help her.”

“Just because you know what happened to her and no one else does doesn’t mean that only you can help her,” Donnel argued.

“Don’t you go trying to make me leave her too, Donnel. You should be overly grateful that she saved your life.”

“What do you mean?”

“Gabriel’s right,” Rose explained. “Violet could’ve had us all killed, but she spa’ed even you’ sorry life.”

Donnel was stricken silent at the thought of an enemy saving his life. He leaned back against the wall of the tiny room he had been forced to share with Rose and Gabriel, and he sank deep into his own thoughts, hardly hearing the rest of the conversation.

“All righ’, Gabr’el,” Captain Davy gave in, “ye can stay but onlay unde’ one condition.”

* * *

Rose and Donnel were sent off when the ship reached shore in the early morning. The two teenagers meandered through the forest and back to the little town of the elves. Even though neither of them were elves, they had been adopted by elves in the city after their own parents died from a plague while the two were young.

Neither of them spoke until they reached the edge of the town. It was Donnel who broke the silence.

“Had you and Gabriel not mentioned it, I’d’ve never thought Violet actually saved my life. I just thought she was being rather dense to give herself to the pirates. I mean, I didn’t think she’d actually want to die for me.”

“I’m sure she didn’ want to die for you, but she did willingly give herself to the pirates so that you, Gabriel, and I could be free. She didn’ want us dead, whatever she did want.”

Donnel nodded, and the two walked silently to Rose’s house. He left the girl at the front door and continued on to his adopted parents’ farm. Donnel’s father met him at the door.

“Where in the name of all that’s holy have you been, young man?” He demanded. “Your mother and I –” He stopped short, seeing the confusion and pain in Donnel’s face. “What’s the matter, Donnel,” he asked softly.

Donnel shook his head and walked to the dining room, his father following. When they stepped into the room, Donnel’s mother rushed over.

“Donnel, you have no idea how worried we’ve been,” she scolded. “With the storm and – what happened?”

“Have you ever had an enemy save your life?” Donnel began. When his parents shook their heads and looked puzzled, Donnel sighed and continued. “You remember Princess Violet?”

Chapter 3
“Hi, Nathaniel.” Gabriel finished placing the herbs over Violet’s wound and turned to face the pirate.

“Any improvements?” Nathaniel asked; he’d been coming in every day for nearly a week now as part of the agreement between Gabriel and the captain.

Gabriel shook his head. “Not really.”

Nathaniel sat down in a chair near the bed. “So what happened to her, exactly?”

* * *

Violet stood on a flat hilltop, sword in hand, and peered out into the darkness around her. Distant lightning flashed, and thunder rumbled quietly. Finally she saw what she was looking for: a dark figure climbing silently up the far side of the hill.

Violet couldn’t believe she’d been sent to do this. Obviously the elves trusted her skill as a swordsman over their own warriors’ skill. Why am I out here? She thought, This is men’s work; I should be at home letting them fight.

The dark figure, now standing on top of the hill, was momentarily silhouetted by lightning that lit up the sky like it was daytime. In the darkness that followed, Violet heard the unsheathing of a sword and soft footsteps as her opponent moved closer. Unlikely as it seemed, Violet was sure that the storm moved closer with the black-cloaked and hooded man. Their swords met, and the sky was lit up by lightning. Violet took a deep breath as the sky went black again.

The storm worsened as they fought; the clash of swords could barely be heard over the nearly constant rumble of thunder. Rain pounded down, soaking the fighters.

The battle below continued as if nothing was amiss; the storm seemed confined to the hilltop by invisible boundaries. Above the battle, the moon still shone nearly full; it was one night before the full moon. Some of the elves caught sight of the storm and became confused by its nature. Those who stopped to ponder paid for it with their lives.

Back on the hilltop, the grass was slippery from the rain, but neither fell in their struggle to keep their balance and continue fighting.

Violet was slightly smaller than the man, but just as skilled. Still, the man had the advantage; as his sword hit hers, his strength nearly buckled the girl’s knees. Struggling against the man’s strength soon wore Violet out, and with a quick, smooth motion, he pushed his sword through the girl’s stomach until only the hilt stick out.

Violet gasped and dropped her sword. The man pulled out his sword and laughed evilly as she collapsed to the ground. He waited about five minutes before pushing her onto her back. Violet groaned and slowly opened her eyes.

“WHAT?” the man roared, pushing his hood back so that his wavy, brown, shoulder-length hair blew in the wind. Lightning lit up the hill, and Violet was able to make out all the little lines and wrinkles on his furious face. In that split second of light, Violet realized what he was.

“You’re a wizard,” she gasped. “But I –”

“Yes, and you’re an elf,” he spat. “Only an elf could’ve lived through a wound like that, but I assure you, you won’t this time.” The wizard paused. “Every month,” he continued, “when the moon is one night from full, you, my precious elven maiden, will be plagued with pain during a storm like tonight’s. And every time, the wound will be opened anew, until it eventually overcomes you.”

The wizard, plainly satisfied, laughed evilly, and Violet, feeling as though salt had been rubbed forcefully into her stomach, screamed. The man laughed harder, but two figures bounded up the hill. One attacked the wizard, while the other knelt by Violet’s side.

* * *

Violet’s eyes shot open, and her breathing was quick; her heart was pounding against her ribs, a wild animal trying to break free of its cage. Gabriel placed a cold, damp cloth on her forehead and gently stroked the girl’s cheek.

“It’s okay,” he kept saying quietly. “It’s okay.”

In a little while, Violet’s breathing slowed, and she brought her hand up to hold his at her cheek.

“Another nightmare?” Gabriel whispered, and Violet nodded. He took the cloth off her head as Nathaniel re-entered the tiny room.

“It’s nice to see you awake, my lady,” Nathaniel said softly, closing the door behind himself.

Violet’s eyes went wide as Gabriel introduced the pirate. “This is Nathaniel,” he said.

“I know who he is. He saved my life the night I was cursed.”

“What?”

“Gabriel, I have proof.” The girl sounded excited now. “Nathaniel, you have a scar on your left arm from that night, don’t you?”

“Yes, my lady. I do.” Nathaniel pulled up his sleeve just far enough for them to see the scar on his upper arm.

“You can’t just know him from that night, though; you couldn’t’ve seen him that clearly,” Gabriel pointed out. “It was dark and stormy, and you were nearly unconscious.”

“I know,” Violet responded. “He’s also an –” she broke off, glancing worriedly at the door. “An elf,” she whispered, “like me.”

“Yes, my lady, we are, but nobody else knows that yet.”

Violet shook her head. “They know about me.” She paused, noticed the puzzled looks of the others, and explained. “That’s why they want me so badly; I’m the only way for these pirates to be freed of their curse. After all, it was my family that cursed them.”

“How did you come by the antidote? I’ve been looking for years,” Nathaniel interjected, awestruck.

“I read a few books while looking to rid myself of my own curse. I never found the cure for mine, though.”

“It’s a good thing we’ve been reading different books, then, as I ran across what you were looking for.” Nathaniel paused thoughtfully, then continued, slightly puzzled. “Where did you get books on stuff like this anyway? I thought you weren’t allowed to have them, being a lady and all.”

Violet sighed. “I wasn’t. I had to sneak them while cleaning for the family. Ugh, I hated living with them, but anything is better than this.”

The door opened, and Captain Davy appeared in the doorway. “Ah, an’ the dea’ elf awakens. We’ll be ta po’t in three weeks.” The only response he got was a scowl from Violet, so he left and closed the door softly behind himself.

Violet turned her back to her friends and buried her face in her hands. Nathaniel sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her back gently, trying to comfort the elf.

“I have a plan.” Gabriel startled the two elves; he’d remained silent and near forgotten until then. “Most spells and such have to be done at a certain time, right?”

Violet uncovered her face and looked at him. Nathaniel nodded slowly.

“Is there a certain time when their curse has to be lifted?” Gabriel asked.

All eyes went to Violet. She nodded slowly. “Yes –” she broke off, eyes brightening. She smiled and painfully sat up.

Chapter 4
“She’s gone?! What do you mean she’s gone?!” The old man sat down on the steps as his wife came to sit by him.

“I’m sorry, sir, but … she’s been … taken by pirates.” The couple turned pale as the boy continued. “A search team was sent after them, but they haven’t returned yet. They took the fastest ship known to man.”

“Thank you, Donnel,” the lady said softly, tears welling up in her eyes.

“You’re welcome, ma’am. Anything for the family of the girl who saved my life.”

“She … she …,” the man stuttered, “she saved your life?”

“Yes,” Donnel replied, and he continued to recount the tale.

* * *

“She’s not getting better, Gabriel. No matter how you try. Our only hope is to rid her of that curse.”

Nathaniel and Gabriel were standing on the deck of the pirate ship, leaning on the railing, watching the waves ripple across the water. There was hardly a breeze, so all the crew members had been called down to the oars; Nathaniel had to stay and keep an eye on the captives.

Gabriel looked at the elf. Nathaniel looked stunning in the dim morning sunlight; his curly, brown hair, his eyes reflecting the blue of the water, and his unusual freckles spotting his fair skin as if splattered with mud. Gabriel couldn’t help but be jealous; it was no wonder he’d felt the girl loved Nathaniel over him.

Their eyes met, and no answer was necessary. They both knew that it was true; Violet was slowly being overcome by her curse. Every effort to heal her was in vain if they didn’t get to where she needed to be soon.

Time passed slowly. The pirates landed a day ahead of their schedule, so they used the extra time to party and torment their prisoners.

Chapter 5
The next night, the night before the full moon, the pirates took Violet into their cave. The cave had an opening in the roof about as wide as the elf was tall, and the floor beneath it was raised a foot higher than the rest of the cave floor. A stream ran through the cave, splitting where it met the plateau and rejoining on the other side, causing the rise to be pointed on the ends. Piles of golden and jeweled treasures were scattered randomly throughout the cave. Captain Davy and Nathaniel led Violet over a small bridge onto the plateau, and the rest of the crew gathered on the opposite bank of the stream, completely surrounding the rise.

“As yo’ll know,” the captain began after everyone had entered the cave, “tonigh’ is the nigh’ we’ll all be set free from this curse –”

Violet sAfrican Americaned, causing the pirate to stop mid-speech to scowl at her and make her explain. “What’s so funnay?” He asked.

“That’s what you think.” The elf smirked.

“What’s wha’ we think?”

“That your curse will be lifted tonight.” The pirates looked at her questioningly. “There are, as you all know, several guidelines that must be followed,” she explained. “I memorized the antidote several months ago.”

“First, the person must be the last female in her line.… You got that one. Second, you have to have the right weapon.” She looked at the dagger in the captain’s hand. “You seem to have found that as well.”

“Of cou’se we know those guidelines need to be f’llowed! We’ve made mistakes befo’ an’ we won’t make ‘em again!”

“Yes, Captain, but let me finish. The night also has to be clear at the time of the ceremony.”

“This is ridiculous! We know all this an’ we got everything righ’! Why mus’ –”

“I’m not done,” Violet interjected. “The ceremony must be performed at midnight, which it almost is, but – let me finish – a storm will be upon us then.”

“Wha’?! The sky is to’ally clear!”

“My curse, remember? You, in reality, cannot lift your curse while I have mine.”

“That’s ridiculous! We can work around your stupid curse!” The captain was angry beyond all reason; he had to make this work or he’d look like a fool in front of all his fellow pirates … again.

Violet grinned mischievously while everybody waited anxiously for the moon to position itself directly overhead. When the sky instantly clouded over and rain fell heavily from the gray clouds, the captain released his fury by slapping Violet across the face so hard that she spun half-way around, tumbled to the rocks of the island, and rolled nearly into the stream. She closed her eyes against the pain that seared through her back and neck, and her world went black.

[jollymcjollyson]

***Disclaimer, this is all meant to be constructive. Sometimes in my hurry to write up a brief criticism, I don't pay enough attention to wording, but I don't mean any of this in a mean way.***

I'll say this, there is way too much dialogue and not enough narration here. I mean, yes, long dialogues are important to have here, but we need some description, some narration. Right now it sort of reads like a news broadcast--a couple of heads talking to one another. But with just a little more narration the scene could be much more vibrant.

I'll be honest, I really, really dislike this genre as a whole, but tried not to let that affect criticisms of this particular story (though I must admit I died a little inside when I saw the word "elf" and realized this story had now changed to something I might dread). However, as with any genre, you're going to want to avoid the cliches. Cliches just lead to the reader's boredom.

“Have you ever had an enemy save your life?” Donnel began. When his parents shook their heads and looked puzzled, Donnel sighed and continued. “You remember Princess Violet?”

Passages like that lead to rolled eyes when the reader is meant to react with "oh my God, she's a princess, the plot thickens!" That should be led into more tactfully than by the casual mention of some kid whose parents apparently have no problem with him talking like he lives in the Thunderdome (“Have you ever had an enemy save your life?”) even though they're concerned enough to worry about him coming home late during a storm. It's like this guy has two lives, one in which his parents accept him as this dude associating with princesses that save his life even though they are worst "enemies," and another in which he can't stay out past 8 in a rainstorm. There's too much of a character conflict here.

Also, don't forget to make that wound more dramatic and apparently non-conventional. Unless the reader can tell it's a magic wound, we don't know what the heck to think there.

[isilwen]

part one has been edited ... tell me what you think, then read part two, which follows:

Chapter 6
“In a way, it’s funny,” Gabriel told Nathaniel as they sat on the deck of the pirates’ ship eating the lunch they’d been supplied. “You’d never think something that simple would upset the entire escape plan; it seemed foolproof three days ago.”

“I guess that’s just the way life goes,” Nathaniel sighed, looking up from the ale he’d been drinking. “Nothing ever turns out the way we want it to in life.”

Both men turned to look as a very beat up Violet stumbled through the cabin door, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Save anything for me?” She yawned sleepily.

“Nice to see you up, my lady.” Nathaniel smiled. “We’ve missed you these past two days.”

“Has it really been that long?” Violet walked over and sat next to Gabriel. “I could sleep another week!” She leaned her head on Gabriel’s shoulder, and he reached up to gently stroke her hair.

“You took quite a beating the other night falling on those rocks,” Gabriel said quietly, leaning his head softly against Violet’s.

“What exactly happened in that cave, anyway?”

“Basically,” Nathaniel answered, “after you blacked out, the captain ordered us back to the ship; he knew he couldn’t do anything until the storm cleared.” He handed the rest of his ale to the elf girl and waited for her to drink before continuing. “I noticed you were unconscious before the storm actually started. Did that affect your … uh … curse at all? I mean, you didn’t exactly seem to be pained by it.”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember anything except falling to the rocks and briefly seeing the water and rocks close-up. I felt like I had become part of the rocks; I couldn’t move, couldn’t cry out, couldn’t do anything but lay there. That’s the last thing that went through my mind.” She put down the flask and shook her head. “I felt more helpless then than I have since my parents died.”

A lone tear slipped from the elf’s eye, trailing across her nose and soaking into Gabriel’s beige shirt. The man reached over and stroked Violet’s long brown hair. Even though it had been years since her parents’ deaths, it seemed that the girl still couldn’t get her mind off the tragic event. It must still be really hard to live with, Gabriel thought. She’s been orphaned most of her life, and princess or not, no one else really cared for her.

After a few minutes of silence, Violet sat up. “I suppose,” she sighed, “we’ll need a new plan now. After all, we’re still stuck on this ship.” She reached for some of the bread left on the deck. “How closely do they watch you, Nathaniel?”

The elf’s laughter rang through the air. Though it was cheerless, it still tinkled like a fairy song. “Watch? They don’t pay any attention to me unless they need the few skills they know I possess, and that isn’t often.” He paused, seeing part of what Violet was getting at. “They keep a closer eye on the two of you, though. They don’t trust me a bit with you; I don’t see why they should.”

“That may complicate things a shade, but we’ll work it out.” A plan was already hatching in her mind, though she didn’t want to let on quite yet.

“A shade? It’ll complicate it more than ‘a shade’, my dear. You haven’t seen how those men watch you, conscious or not.” Gabriel was indignant; how could a girl be so willing to risk everything again after recovering from the last attempt only minutes before? Besides, Violet wasn’t strong enough to try again so soon.

Violet looked inquiringly at Gabriel. He sighed, “You know, I really hadn’t planned on telling you this, but those gits won’t keep their eyes off you, and most of them want more than to keep you in their custody.”

“I think I know a way, though, Gabriel.” Her voice was soft and edged with sadness. “Will you deny a girl a chance to regain her freedom?”

“I will if I feel she’s not strong enough to carry out the plan yet.”

“The way I’ve planned it, I don’t have to be; you do.” Violet looked into Gabriel’s startled eyes and waited for his reaction. She could tell he knew what she planned on.

“You’re … you’re … going to … play dead, aren’t you?” The words caught in Gabriel’s throat, knowing how risky the scheme was. It was less likely to work than the first plan, and they were more likely to all wind up dead than get away.

“It has previously worked, Gabriel,” Nathaniel said slowly, unsure of the man’s reaction. “I’ve snuck the princess out that way before.”

“You can’t always expect that to work, though. Just because it worked once doesn’t mean that it’ll work again. Besides, these men are different. You’ve lived with them, Nathaniel; speak some sense into her.”

“Gabriel, trust us. It will work.” Nathaniel looked deep into the brown eyes of the man beside him and found nothing but fear.

“What if it doesn’t?” Gabriel was steaming. How could they just turn on me like this? They’re supposed to be my friends! “What if they find out? What if –”

“They will find out if you don’t keep it down!” Both Nathaniel and Gabriel jumped up and reached for their swords, but Violet was quicker. She stepped quickly between them, forcing them to stop fighting, since neither was willing to hurt or disobey the princess.

“Please,” Violet pleaded, “let’s just stop all this. Fighting and arguing won’t get anyone anywhere but killed.”

Reluctantly, both put their swords away, sat back down facing each other on the wooden deck, and glared at each other. Violet sat between them to prevent further confrontations.

“That’s better. Now, what do you have against this plan, Gabriel?”

Gabriel looked at the girl and started to speak, but noticed for the first time a shadow of pain in her deep green eyes. He broke off and tried to search out its cause, but he couldn’t find the explanation he longed for. He lowered his head quickly, becoming aware that the elves were looking at him. He shook his head and tried to speak again, but he was at a loss for the words to explain everything. He shook his head again, got up, and walked to the far side of the ship’s deck. Leaning against the railing, Gabriel looked out across the sea before him.

Violet watched Gabriel walk away, somewhat puzzled. After he reached the railing, she frowned, wondering what was troubling the usually very talkative and opinionated man. She shook her head, glanced at Nathaniel, and went over to where Gabriel stood. She placed a hand on his back as she stepped alongside him.

The two of them stood there for a minute, watching the seagulls fly around in the afternoon sky. There was hardly a cloud in sight, and the soft breeze cooled the earth from the heat of the summer sun. It was completely silent except for the waves slapping at the wood of the ship and the gulls calling out to each other.

“What’s wrong, Gabriel?” Violet moved both of her hands to the railing.

“Maybe I should be asking you that,” Gabriel replied without looking at the elf, his voice sad and slightly irritated. “You’re so false sometimes.”

Violet realized that Gabriel had seen through her acting like she was fine. As Gabriel turned away from her, she put her hand on his arm and hung her head. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to worry, especially since you already believed me incapable of carrying out my plan.”

Gabriel turned around to face the elf, and she released his arm, looking into his face. Gabriel reached up, placed both hands on the princess’ arms, and looked into her eyes. “I don’t know which is worse,” he smiled, “worrying about you, or being surprised at finding you in pain acting like you’re okay.

“I understand your need to get off this ship, but I also feel that there may be more flaws to your plan than can be seen at the moment. I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“We can still try it, though. If it doesn’t work, we’ll find another way. I know the risks as well as you do, and I wouldn’t have brought it up if I didn’t think it was worth it. I just want to be free again, Gabriel, from this ship and this curse. I want to get away from these idiots and live unhindered again.”

“Alright, darling. We’ll give it a try.”

Chapter 7
Violet lay on the bed, covers pulled up to her pale white face. Gabriel put a hand to her forehead, but jerked away as if burned.

“You’re sure good at pretending; you’re burning up!”

“Gabriel,” the princess whispered, “I’m not pretending this time.” She paused, waiting for a response of some kind. The man just stood by her bedside, disbelief showing vividly in his brown eyes.

Gabriel tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. He temporarily gave up and stared at the feverish face of the girl he loved. Her freckles were very distinct against her ghostly skin. Abruptly, he tore his eyes from the princess, turned, and walked hurriedly from the room. Violet stared after him wordlessly.

“Nathaniel,” the man called out as he stepped onto the ship’s sunny deck.

“What’s wrong?” The elf turned from the railing and walked slowly toward Gabriel.

“It’s Violet. She’s,” he paused, sighing, “she’s sick. It’s really bad.”

“What do you mean? She’s just acting, isn’t she?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Nathaniel’s face paled. He stepped past Gabriel and ran to the small cabin, Gabriel at his heels. “Violet?” He called softly as he entered the room. She opened her eyes as he approached the bed. “What happened?”

Violet shook her head slowly. “I don’t know; I just got sick this morning. I couldn’t get up.”

“Then let’s get you off right now. Can you still act dead?”

Violet shook her head again. “The fever would give it away.”

Gabriel moved up to the bed. “A plague,” he suggested. “It would be a perfect way to keep them from suspecting anything.” The others looked inquisitively at him as he continued. “We carry her out, say it’s a plague, and they don’t dare check for fear of it spreading. Once we get out of sight on land, we attempt to get rid of her illness. It’s almost infallible.”

“Alright,” Nathaniel agreed. “Let’s do it.” He turned to the princess. “If it’s fine with you, that is, your highness.”

Violet smiled and nodded. She closed her eyes and let the illness wash through her, engulfing her entire body.

Minutes later, the ailing form was hauled onto the deck, and the captain was called down.

“Wha’ is it now?” Captain Davy wasn’t happy about being called away from his breakfast.

“It’s the girl,” Nathaniel answered, motioning toward where the princess lay on the deck. “We need to get her to shore. Now.”

“Wha’ she dead?”

“Worse than that, I’m afraid. She got the plague that was going around the town we captured her in.”

“The boy shou’ve resou’ces enough. He’ll cu’ her.” Davy turned to leave, but he stopped as Nathaniel continued.

“No, he doesn’t, Captain. The proper herbs can only be found three weeks walk form the shore. There’s no way to get there by boat, and I’m afraid it might spread to the crew.”

“Alrught,” the captain gave in with a sigh and turned back toward Nathaniel and the others. “We’ll go ta sho’. You can go with ‘em.” He strode off briskly and had the crew make for shore while he finished his cold breakfast. He gave his men strict orders to stay away from the girl lest the illness spread.

Once they landed, Nathaniel and Gabriel lifted Violet and carried her across the sandy beach and into the nearby forest. They walked about five feet into the trees and set her down in a patch of soft grass.

Gabriel knelt by her side and gently stroked her straight brown hair. The princess moaned softly, squeezed her eyes more tightly shut, and turned her head away. When he moved his hand to her warm cheek, Violet fought weakly against it as if trying to get free from his touch. She was far too drained from the sickness for it to do much good.

In a vain attempt to wake the girl from her semi-conscious state, Nathaniel sat on the grass on the other side of her and gently called her name. After trying several times without getting a response, he gave up and went to gather firewood; they would need the heat tonight.

Nathaniel walked throughout the surrounding woods until he reached the edge nearby where they had entered. Looking out toward the shore, he noticed that the pirate ship was still anchored near land as if waiting for something. He quickly gathered an armload of wood and hurried back to the clearing to tell Gabriel.

Chapter 8
After a night near the shore, Gabriel and Nathaniel carried Violet through the forest to the other side. It was a beautiful day; the sun shone warmly on the travelers, and a soft breeze kept them from getting too hot.

They rested shortly on the fringes of the trees and attempted again to wake the now fully-unconscious elf princess. As they rested, they looked out at the hilly meadow before them, pondering the fastest way to get to a nearby city. They hadn’t received food, water, or blankets from the pirates, and they needed to find some soon.

Gabriel crested the nearest hill to look for signs of human life. He came back shaking his head. “The nearest city is to the south, but there isn’t an easy way to get there; the whole land is marshy. We might be there just before nightfall, at best.”

“It’s our only option, though.” Nathaniel sighed and got up. They’d just have to do their best for their princess.

They traveled slowly through the murky swamp. Occasionally they paused while one or the other got himself unstuck from the mud. By nightfall, they still hadn’t made it out of the swamp. They were tired from continuously carrying the girl and from the inability to stay in one place without getting stuck. They continued to walk through the night, promising themselves rest once out of the mossy, muddy waters.

The weary travelers talked to each other as they stumbled on, trying to keep each other awake. Midnight found them collapsed on the edge of the marsh, asleep the instant they hit the grass.

From nearby bushes crept several black forms that had been watching the travelers since they left the trees. The true identities of these watchers were indiscernible in the moonless night as they silently lifted the tired men and princess and carried them gently away, careful not to wake them.

It was noon when Gabriel awoke and found himself in a soft bed with green sheets and pillows. His clothes had been cleaned, folded, and set on a chair next to the bed, and a tray of hot food was on the table by it.

He sighed, unwilling to leave the comfort and warmth of the bed, but needing food desperately. He sat up and moved the tray to his lap. Gabriel ate greedily; it tasted almost too good to be true since he hadn’t eaten in two days.

Once he had finished, Gabriel set the tray back on the table, dressed, and sat on the bed looking around the small room. The walls were painted green, and a large window on the east side looked out over a small goldenrod garden. The floor and furniture of the room looked as though they had been done by a master woodworker from the best oak in the land.

The man walked over to the window and pushed it open. A warm summer breeze met him, and he welcomed the scent it carried up from the garden below. For the first time since he’d woken up, Gabriel wondered how he had arrived there. The last thing he remembered from the previous night was stumbling from the marsh and collapsing into the grass.

He spun around as the door opened to allow a little, bent man to enter as he leaned heavily on his cane. The man looked at the bed, then glanced around the room until he found Gabriel by the window.

“It’s nice to see you up and about,” the little man greeted Gabriel. “Your friends were up an hour ago and are already meeting with our king and queen. Come. You must join them.”

Gabriel followed the strange man from the room, wondering what he had meant by his friends already being up. Last he knew, Violet was still unconscious.

The two men walked down a long hallway, past several closed doors, and through a door at the very end of the hallway. They stepped through the door and were met by the warm light of the sun and the sound of the birds singing in the trees.

Gabriel continued to follow the man as he walked down the stone steps and along a pathway to another building. The building they were approaching was a tall, grey, stone tower with a small wooden door and several small, stained glass windows. The battlemented top held several partially concealed archers, and two guards stood at the door.

The man led Gabriel through the door and into a large chamber. When his eyes adjusted to the dim light, Gabriel noticed that a man and a woman, both finely dressed, sat at the far side of the circular room. Their thrones were covered in pure, untarnished gold.

At their feet, Violet stopped talking as everyone turned to see who had entered. The strange man motioned for Gabriel to join them on the floor. He willingly complied and sat between the two elves. Violet smiled at him, then turned back to the royal couple and continued.

“As I was saying, I would really enjoy staying longer, but I’m afraid your city will be in danger if I do.”

“Why? You’ve always been a blessing to us before.” The queen’s gentle voice asked.

“Because this time, I’m being followed by pirates. They’ll be here in another day or so, from Nathaniel’s estimates. The lives of all associated with me are in danger.” She paused, gauging the reactions of her listeners.

“How can we help you, my dear princess?” The king asked, his rusty voice breaking through the silence. “We are forever indebted to you for all you and your family have done for us.”

“I think all we need is provisions enough to get us to Edenborg and,” the girl added thoughtfully, “for you to delay the pirates a couple of days once they arrive.”

At the suggestion, the queen got a roguish look on her face and stated, “We’d be glad to hinder their search for you, and we’d also gladly hide your tracks as you leave, so as to muddle them further.”

“Thank you, your highness. Every little bit helps. How soon can we have supplies ready?”

Chapter 9
“Violet!” Gabriel called after her as they left the tower. When she stopped and turned, he questioned her. “Where exactly are we, who was that, and how do you know them?”

“It’s a long story. Let’s go to the garden; I think it would be best explained there.” She glanced at Nathaniel. “You’re welcome to join us, though you already know the tale.”

He nodded and followed the other two around the far side of the building they had slept in. As they rounded the corner, Violet led the men to a bench on the edge of the garden, and they all sat down on it, Violet in the middle with Gabriel on her left and Nathaniel on her right.

Violet then explained, “We are in Siddel, about seven days from my hometown. As a child, I came here with my mother quite often. King Elam and Queen Mizra were good friends of my parents, and my family often helped them in times of need.

“One of the times we came, my mother hid me in a large food basket in the back of our wagon on our way home. We were attacked by pirates, and though I couldn’t see anything from my hiding place, I could hear everything. I was only five at the time and didn’t fully understand what was happening, but I knew enough to stay hidden.”

Violet sighed at the memories. “Before we left Siddel, I remember asking my mother why I had to hide. She told me she’d tell me when we were at home.” She paused sadly. “I never saw that home again.

“I remember lying in the basket, scared that I’d be found and killed by the pirates, scared that my mother would be killed by them as well. After what seemed like hours, everything was silent. I stayed there for a little while longer, just to make sure they were gone, but when I started to get up I heard a horse coming along the road and settled back down into the basket.

“That old man that brought you to the royal court, Gabriel, was still a handsome young man then. He was on his way back to Siddel with an urgent message for Elam and Mizra, but on seeing the royal carriage at the side of the road, seemingly deserted, he dismounted and slowly walked over to it.

“He called out softly for my mother, then for me. I recognized his voice and came out of hiding. I crawled out the front and jumped down to meet him.”

Tears came to the princess’s eyes as she recalled the events of that day, so many years ago, when she lost her mother. She stopped speaking and rubbed away the tears that streamed silently down her cheeks. Both men had been listening intently to her story and waited patiently for her to continue.

“He was the one who brought me back to Elam and Mizra when he went to deliver the message. That’s when I learned that life would never be the same for me. They had known that pirates were after my family, and the messenger had been sent to tell them that the house of my father was burned to the ground and everyone inside was killed.

“I stayed in the castle here for a while and planted this garden, which I cared for daily. Elam and Mizra knew I wasn’t safe here, however, so they found a family in my hometown willing to raise me. I was taught to fight, trained as a warrior, and chosen to fight in the war almost a year ago. I hated every minute of it, but after my injury, they made my stay in the house and work. ‘As a lady should,’ they’d said, but I wanted to be free. Every time they had me clean the house, I’d take another book from the shelves. Once they caught me with one under my pillow and made me cook all the meals for a month, but that was after I’d already found the cure for the pirates’ curse. By then, I’d also read all my family history; I read whatever I could get my hands on.”

Violet looked out at the beautiful garden. Everything was silent; even the birds had stopped singing. Every creature seemed to be either hiding from something or listening to her tale.

Violet, confused by the silence, sighed and asked, “Shall we take a walk through the garden? I haven’t seen the entire thing in years.” She stood, and the men followed her along the stone path. It led through the middle of the garden, where an apple tree proudly stood. The princess walked up to the tree and rested her hands on its rough trunk, but Nathaniel and Gabriel stood at the edge of the grassy circle surrounding it. The entire tree seemed to shudder in response to the girl’s touch.

Gabriel looked questioningly at Nathaniel, who leaned over and explained. “She’s visiting an old friend,” he whispered. “Elves never fully die; their souls wander the earth and inhabit animals or plants. That’s why we can speak to them, while other races can’t.”

Ah, my dear friend, Violet. I was wondering when you might return to me. The tree spoke directly to the princess’s thoughts.

“I only wish the circumstances surrounding my visit were a tinge happier.”

What bothers you, princess?

“My life is in danger again, and my friends aren’t much safer. It’s the pirates again. They’ve realized that I do, in fact, exist.”

You’ll be fine, dear princess. You’ve always been able to overcome the circumstances before, and I don’t see why this time should be any different.

“I just wish I believed in myself as much as you believe in me, Amil. You were always a great encouragement to me.”

It’s my duty as a protector of my princess to guard her against not only enemies, but also fears and the will to surrender.

“You were a great knight in your day, Amil. No one else has ever or will ever compare. Thank you again. I’ll be back to care for the garden soon.”

Goodbye, my princess. Do hurry back and take care of yourself.

Violet smiled. “I will. Farewell.” She turned back to her companions and sighed.

“Everything alright, princess?” Nathaniel asked.

“Yeah, it’s just been a long time since Amil and I talked last, and I miss him.” She shrugged. “Shall we continue our walk through the garden?”

[isilwen]

... and no one has anything to say ... is it really that bad, or does no one have the time for me?

[Cy Skywalker]

The problem is that your first post was so blasted long. It intimidates. However, I'll read some.

I like your description of things, i.e.moonlight and the detail in rooms. The characterization of Violet is interesting. From the first paragraph, the reader with some shock realizes that she has always wanted an adventure. She is unusually calm during the kidnapping--calm enough almost to fall asleep when guys with guns are wondering about her room?! However, she "[wishes] she could attract some help from the other members of the household. " Make sure you explain exactly what she is feeling. Especially to someone not so escapism-minded as myself, her reactions could be very alien. I like it; it makes for a unique character.

Some lines are too vague. "grinning evilly.", what's that really look like? You can use this part to give physical description of this baddie. "a pirate by appearance"; Does he have a peg leg and a parrot? What's 'a pirate by appearance'? Because, I think, you are constructing a fantasy world, you cannot let the readers assume anything. "her worst enemy, Donnel", How is he her worst enemy? Is he a bully from school, or a Dark Wizard, or a political rival, or what? I do not doubt that you will explain this later, but having a word or two added in this part will add to both his and Violet's characterization.

"“I need you, Violet,” he whispered as lightning flashed in the distant night.
“And I need you,” she whispered back, looking out the small window." Eww. This sappy exchange does nothing to tell exactly who Gabriel is, why they're so in love, whether the world they're in supports arranged marrianges, or anything. It does establish that they are in love, but that can be done much less...cliché-ly.

The exchange about the wound makes me think that Violet has had previous experience with the pirates and is more than she appears to be.

I do want some more ambiance of the world they're in. Your descriptions of weather are great. However, I don't have even a glimpse of the level of technology (except that they've got swords, guns, and princesses, which doesn't set it in one particular sort of time.)

This "We got ta follo’ the gi’l’s o’de’s." was the only place where the pirate dialect left me confused. However, be sure you don't overdo it.

"Rose’s Irish accent interjected when she say the persistent look on the young man’s face." This needs to have 'saw' instead of 'say'. It also now introduces Ireland. So it's not a fantasy story--or at least not one set in a completely other world. That can be good. But you gotta state it.

Give me physical descriptions of the three friends and of Violet. (And if she's got violet eyes, change that color quick.)

The fight on the hill/in the flashback is done pretty well. You never fully explain what the "The battle below" is though. Apparently there are elves in it. What else? Why is Violet on a hill alone? She thinks she ought'nt be there, but in the beginning paragraphs she longed for adventure and certainly didn't seem like the kind who'd call swordfighting "men's work".

That's interesting. The thing about the wound, it's unconventional. Now, is she an elf or not? She says "Obviously the elves trusted her skill as a swordsman over their own warriors’ skill. ", so I thought not. And what is it about elves exacly that make them able to live even if they're stuck by a sword? Tolkein elves would be killed by a direct wound like that.

I like this plot; it's unconventional and complicated. Your prose in general is good. Make sure you clarify things though. How are elves different from humans? Apparently not enough that you can tell on sight, because the pirates are elves and Gabriel didn't know it. You've plopped the reader down in the middle of the story, which is good. However, said reader is stuck wondering why three or four teenagers were in battle in the first place, how they know eachother, etc.

Good desc of Nathaniel. Also, good quiet moment in the plot.

"they used the extra time to ... torment their prisoners." What? Aren't these good guy rebel cursed elf pirates? (lol...) I wasn't thinking of them as the tormenting type.

If some other things whispered of a Pirates of the Caribbean ripoff, this description shouts of it. "The cave had an opening in the roof about as wide as the elf was tall, and the floor beneath it was raised a foot higher than the rest of the cave floor. A stream ran through the cave, splitting where it met the plateau and rejoining on the other side, causing the rise to be pointed on the ends. Piles of golden and jeweled treasures were scattered randomly throughout the cave... “First, the person must be the last female in her line.… You got that one. Second, you have to have the right weapon.” She looked at the dagger in the captain’s hand."

"Violet sAfrican Americaned, causing the pirate to stop" I don't know what the heck's up with this sentence. Presumably a mod on this site messed with the censors. Try and fix it.

Or, the pirates aren't good guys. ? I thought that they were, because they helped Violet recover and left her her boyfriend. Nathaniel was nice and was the one to rescue her from the wizard. Then they were going to break both curses by pooling knowledge. The captain is evil in the beginning and the end of the post, but in between I definatly don't get that sense of them.

I will probably read more later. I suggest that from now on you post a chapter at a time, or else many people will see it as too much to read in one go. I did find it pretty interesting and quick to follow, except for the lack of world-building and the sudden PotCness. Your prose and grammar are generally wonderous.

[isilwen]

thanks for that, Cy ... that's more than Den gave me when I posted this elsewhere ... I'll take all that into account the next time I edit ... probably tomorrow night

thanks for the compliments too ... they're always appreciated and very encouraging. I lose motivation to continue stuff if I don't get any compliments ...

[Denithar]

Yeah, Cy is a talented reviewer.

[isilwen]

you're good too, Den ... but he gives extra advice on how to improve it ... I do enjoy reading what you both have to say about it, though ... it's nice to have extra opinions, even if they're not as complete as I'd like ...

[Cy Skywalker]

isilwen said:

you're good too, Den ... but he gives extra advice on how to improve it ... I do enjoy reading what you both have to say about it, though ... it's nice to have extra opinions, even if they're not as complete as I'd like ...

Are you planning on editing the first post? I'd wait to review the rest of the story if you did, because then I would not find myself chiding you or being confused for things which carried over.

I'm a "she", by the way.

That must be the longest review I've ever posted, actually. I'm kinda proud of it. I'm glad you two think I'm talented in that area. I find that it's fun to read to review. I do worry that I could be giving wrong advice though. My own skill with writing is not assured.

[isilwen]

sorry about that ... I could have looked at your post to see that ... *blushes* ... I wasn't being very observant that night ...

yes, I'll eventually get around to editing my first post ... I have to do it on my computer so I can save all the changes into my master copy before I post it online ...

[isilwen]

ok ... so I keep forgetting to edit and post my story ... I'll get around to it sooner or later ... sorry