Cocked, Locked and Ready to Rock--(R for language)

[Hunter]

So this is the introductory scene of the story I'm not working, but am writing. You may or may not recognize some names as I post more of the story...let me know

I really appreciate critiques on style and, of course, grammatical corrections. Please, rip it to SHREDS. I can't help it--I'm a masochist XD

Cocked, Locked and Ready to Rock

(rated R for violence and strong language)

**Note** There's actually a lot more to this first scene, but the rest is at my girlfriend's house. I'll post th resat when I get chance before going on with the story.

"Cooper is down! Repeat God damn it, Cooper is DOWN!" William was yelling into his comm while bullets flew overhead and crashed into the barrier that he, myself, and Private Samantha D'Mortel had our backs against.

I looked away from William, back at Sam, who as to my right. She was already looking at me, and though her face as a blank as a sheet of paper, I could tell she was holding back tears. Bullets hammered the cement barrier, and I knew our attackers would be advancing to our position at any moment.

"Where's Bekah?" she asked, her voice perfectly clear in my earpiece despite the roaring gunfire.

"I don't know; I lost track of her when the bullets started flying," I told her, meeting her gaze evenly. A flash of concern was the only emotional response she gave me. The plasma rifle in my hand was still cold, despite the searing heat of the desert wastelad we'd been dropped into.

"What do we do?" she asked. I looked down at the experimental piece of shit in my hand, unable to look her in the eye.

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because—lookit me dammit!" Suddenly Sam's voice was full of ferver and power. I raised my head and looked into her eyes. "Gwenan is dead. Jack…I don't know where Jack is. You're the only other ranking soldier in this outfit, damn you. Act like it."

Since the moment I'd joined this team, Jack, Gwennan and Caldwell had always called the shots. I was just a soldier; I never considered myself any higher up than the rest of the team, who were all Privates, First Class. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to think like Jack. Somehow, he always managed to make the right call at the right time, and everything worked out somehow. And now he was down…maybe dead.

"Okay. Here's the deal," I said. Staying in my crouch, I spun on my heel and slapped William on the top of the helmet. He turned, mid yell, and nearly screamed into my face in frustration.

"Stow it, Private. Listen and listen good! We have one chance, and one chance only to do this right." I looked from Will to Sam, and back to Will. "Give me a suppressive fire; we're going to make our way, one by one, to the complex. Once we're there, Sam's going to get us inside and we'll make our way back to Alpha."

[Denithar]

"Where's Bekah?" she asked, her voice perfectly clear in my earpiece despite the roaring gunfire.

Why is it perfectly clear? This seems to draw away from the sense that they're under severe attack if they can hear "perfectly clear".

You spelled "wasteland" as "wastelad".

You seem to either not really know your situation or have bad verb choice. Act it out (I'm serious by the way). This is an awesome scene. Get it right. If he's able to meet Sam's gaze evenly at this point then he's hardcore and he'd already be acting like a high ranking soldier and wouldn't need Sam to tell him to act like one. I suggest giving a slight change of attitude as he goes from cowering behind the barrier to leading the team, rather than having him so confident right from the start.

[Hunter]

His behavior is fully explained later in the story. He's a scout-sniper, so he's very used to acting as a single soldier or with a partner who knows his every move. He's not however, used to being responsible for half a dozen lives and coordinating attack and defensive maneuvers. He's been with this same team for a few years and has never had to lead, having always been in the shadow of the ranking officers. In the ranking system of the military, Corporal is only a level above Private, which is your standard grunt.

Phoenix is a very capable killing machine. But he's not a leader.

Her voice is perfectly clear because of his earpiece, which is a highly advanced piece of communications equipment.

Thanks for the crit, more to come.

[Chris]

I have read this in its entirety, and I will post a review when it is complete. I just wanted to encourage you by letting you know that someone was reading.

As you'll soon find, I mostly just critique on my impressions to the actual content rather than any grammatical or structural issues, so I'm afraid I can't help much on that front. My reviews are basically just me saying what I think the story is about, what I liked about it, what I didn't like, and why I came to those opinions.

[Hunter]

Thanks for the heads up Bring a smile to my face!

[Elasticband]

Sounds good so far Pheonix... reminds me of Battlefield...