Post by johnsapphire on Sept 30, 2006 14:13:17 GMT -5
A short little play I think you will enjoy. Volvic, I hope you know, is a brand of water with a delightful flavour.
SCENE – The drawing room of a flat on Half Moon St., London. Mid-morning. The present. MYCROFT HOLMES IV sits at a table, writing whimsically.
Hol. I cannot see why the Times insisted on my letter before Tuesday. The editor that phoned was somewhat quixotic and entirely detestable. Though I would prefer to think my ennui was inasmuch as my having to write this letter, I am forced to attribute it to my lull in business.
Enter the young COUNTESS OF BASILDON, carrying a small purse and wearing a delightful hat.
Bas. My dear Mr Holmes, I have come to you in an hour of great and grave need.
Hol. Really? I am quite honoured, countess, but my rates are quite steep.
Bas. Money is not a difficulty. In five minutes time I can have my Swiss bank wire a hundred thousand pounds into your personal account.
Hol. Impressive figure.
Bas. Thank you. My figures are known for being impressive, my own, especially so. I have found that if things aren’t impressive, they are depressive, and therefore detestable.
Hol. What exactly is your difficulty? I am happy to be of service in any way I can.
Bas. Well, like any self-respecting countess, I consume a litre and a half of Volvic Natural Mineral Water every day. My staff are taking their summer holiday this weekend, so I am essentially a perfectly normal, extraordinarily wealthy, regular young Englishwoman for two days. That is, as perfectly normal, extraordinarily wealthy, regular, young, and English you can be without a litre and a half of Volvic Natural Mineral Water. Sainsbury’s has no Volvic Natural Mineral Water whatsoever, in units of a litre and a half or otherwise, so I have come to you for assistance.
Hol. An interesting predicament, your countessness, but I believe I can restore peace in your land by aiding you in this epic quest!
Bas. Oh, thank you, thank you! There is no greater force on the planet than Volvic!
Hol. Before I can begin suspecting innocent civilians, I must examine the Sainsbury’s in question.
(gesturing appropriately)
Onward!
Bas. (breaking into song)
…Christian soldiers, marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus going on before. Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe; forward into battle see his banners go!
Cross MYCROFT HOLMES IV and the COUNTESS OF BASILDON to Tottenham Court Road Station.
Hol. Countess, we have encountered an obstacle! The Northern Line is closed, and so is our path to Warren Street Station!
Bas. The Northern Line is closed? Good. I detest the buskers there. They insist upon playing Gregorian chants. No one likes Gregorian chants.
Hol. But how shall we overcome the obstacle?
A moment of thinking yields no results.
Bas. I have it! We shall take the Victoria Line. The buskers should be to Act III of La Forza del Destino in five minutes time. I certainly hope they have replaced the flautist we saw last Thursday. She was simply dreadful.
Cross MYCROFT HOLMES IV and the COUNTESS OF BASILDON to Warren Street Station.
Bas. Horror! The escalator has stopped escalating! How ever shall we get up?
Hol. It isn’t that far, Countess.
Bas. (incredulously)
Not that far?!? The distance is monstrous! There is no possible way I can climb it! I am a countess. I never take exercise. Exercise is for people who can’t resist pouring sugar into their tea and smearing praline spreads on their scones at tea.
Hol. Still, countess, we are almost there! Sainsbury’s is just around the corner from the station! If you can climb the six and a half flights of stairs, we will one step closer to Volvic!
Bas. If we were to be six and a half flights of stairs worth of steps closer to Volvic, then perhaps. But not now. Right now we need some sort of ally. Someone that will help us in our hour of need! I know whom! Jasper Darlington Higgins III!
THE COUNTESS OF BASILDON opens her purse and taking her SMALL CALICO, places him onto the escalator. He runs the length of it and at the top presses a button labeled ‘Emergency Re-Start Button. Warning: Small Calicos Only.’
Excellent work!
Cross THE COUNTESS OF BASILDON and MYCROFT HOLMES IV to Sainsbury’s Market.
Hol. How very mysterious. Sainsbury’s is suspiciously out of Volvic. And in its place is ‘Dr Decadence’s Evil Suspicious Water-Like Drink’
Bas. Dr Decadence? He sounds very corrupt!
Hol. Indeed it does, countess. Indeed it does…what’s this?
(pulls a note off one of the bottles)
‘Dear workers, I, Dr Decadence have achieved my dream of destroying the good and politically correct Volvic and replacing it with the evil and socially unaccepted “Dr Decadence’s Evil Suspicious Water-Like Drink!” Now, no Sainsbury’s in all of London carries the good and politically correct Volvic anymore. I HAVE TRIUMPHED!!!!!!! Yours Truly, Dr Decadence’
Bas. ‘I have triumphed’? He’s a bit redundant. Stating the obvious is, in my opinion. Though he is very talented in switching moods quickly. Going straight from ‘I HAVE TRIUMPHED!!!!!!!’ to ‘Yours Truly, Dr Decadence,’ is quite an accomplishment.
Hol. His talent isn’t the point. The point is that we haven’t any Volvic in all of London!
Bas. Horror!
Hol. But he didn’t say anything about Basildon. Does it still have Volvic?
Bas. You know, I haven’t checked. I am so used to my servants doing my shopping I came straight to London to shop at Sainsbury’s (which I know) the moment I ran out.
Hol. Wait…What’s that sound?
Bas. It sounds like a very large delivery truck!
Hol. What could it be carrying?
Enter LARGE DELIVERY TRUCK, being driven by the SMALL CALICO.
Bas. It’s Volvic!
Hol. Being driven by Jasper Darlington Higgins III!
Bas. We’re saved!
Hol. Countess, if you would, once you purchase your Volvic, wire those hundred thousand pounds you spoke of into my personal account?
The End
The Countess and the Volvic
SCENE – The drawing room of a flat on Half Moon St., London. Mid-morning. The present. MYCROFT HOLMES IV sits at a table, writing whimsically.
Hol. I cannot see why the Times insisted on my letter before Tuesday. The editor that phoned was somewhat quixotic and entirely detestable. Though I would prefer to think my ennui was inasmuch as my having to write this letter, I am forced to attribute it to my lull in business.
Enter the young COUNTESS OF BASILDON, carrying a small purse and wearing a delightful hat.
Bas. My dear Mr Holmes, I have come to you in an hour of great and grave need.
Hol. Really? I am quite honoured, countess, but my rates are quite steep.
Bas. Money is not a difficulty. In five minutes time I can have my Swiss bank wire a hundred thousand pounds into your personal account.
Hol. Impressive figure.
Bas. Thank you. My figures are known for being impressive, my own, especially so. I have found that if things aren’t impressive, they are depressive, and therefore detestable.
Hol. What exactly is your difficulty? I am happy to be of service in any way I can.
Bas. Well, like any self-respecting countess, I consume a litre and a half of Volvic Natural Mineral Water every day. My staff are taking their summer holiday this weekend, so I am essentially a perfectly normal, extraordinarily wealthy, regular young Englishwoman for two days. That is, as perfectly normal, extraordinarily wealthy, regular, young, and English you can be without a litre and a half of Volvic Natural Mineral Water. Sainsbury’s has no Volvic Natural Mineral Water whatsoever, in units of a litre and a half or otherwise, so I have come to you for assistance.
Hol. An interesting predicament, your countessness, but I believe I can restore peace in your land by aiding you in this epic quest!
Bas. Oh, thank you, thank you! There is no greater force on the planet than Volvic!
Hol. Before I can begin suspecting innocent civilians, I must examine the Sainsbury’s in question.
(gesturing appropriately)
Onward!
Bas. (breaking into song)
…Christian soldiers, marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus going on before. Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe; forward into battle see his banners go!
Cross MYCROFT HOLMES IV and the COUNTESS OF BASILDON to Tottenham Court Road Station.
Hol. Countess, we have encountered an obstacle! The Northern Line is closed, and so is our path to Warren Street Station!
Bas. The Northern Line is closed? Good. I detest the buskers there. They insist upon playing Gregorian chants. No one likes Gregorian chants.
Hol. But how shall we overcome the obstacle?
A moment of thinking yields no results.
Bas. I have it! We shall take the Victoria Line. The buskers should be to Act III of La Forza del Destino in five minutes time. I certainly hope they have replaced the flautist we saw last Thursday. She was simply dreadful.
Cross MYCROFT HOLMES IV and the COUNTESS OF BASILDON to Warren Street Station.
Bas. Horror! The escalator has stopped escalating! How ever shall we get up?
Hol. It isn’t that far, Countess.
Bas. (incredulously)
Not that far?!? The distance is monstrous! There is no possible way I can climb it! I am a countess. I never take exercise. Exercise is for people who can’t resist pouring sugar into their tea and smearing praline spreads on their scones at tea.
Hol. Still, countess, we are almost there! Sainsbury’s is just around the corner from the station! If you can climb the six and a half flights of stairs, we will one step closer to Volvic!
Bas. If we were to be six and a half flights of stairs worth of steps closer to Volvic, then perhaps. But not now. Right now we need some sort of ally. Someone that will help us in our hour of need! I know whom! Jasper Darlington Higgins III!
THE COUNTESS OF BASILDON opens her purse and taking her SMALL CALICO, places him onto the escalator. He runs the length of it and at the top presses a button labeled ‘Emergency Re-Start Button. Warning: Small Calicos Only.’
Excellent work!
Cross THE COUNTESS OF BASILDON and MYCROFT HOLMES IV to Sainsbury’s Market.
Hol. How very mysterious. Sainsbury’s is suspiciously out of Volvic. And in its place is ‘Dr Decadence’s Evil Suspicious Water-Like Drink’
Bas. Dr Decadence? He sounds very corrupt!
Hol. Indeed it does, countess. Indeed it does…what’s this?
(pulls a note off one of the bottles)
‘Dear workers, I, Dr Decadence have achieved my dream of destroying the good and politically correct Volvic and replacing it with the evil and socially unaccepted “Dr Decadence’s Evil Suspicious Water-Like Drink!” Now, no Sainsbury’s in all of London carries the good and politically correct Volvic anymore. I HAVE TRIUMPHED!!!!!!! Yours Truly, Dr Decadence’
Bas. ‘I have triumphed’? He’s a bit redundant. Stating the obvious is, in my opinion. Though he is very talented in switching moods quickly. Going straight from ‘I HAVE TRIUMPHED!!!!!!!’ to ‘Yours Truly, Dr Decadence,’ is quite an accomplishment.
Hol. His talent isn’t the point. The point is that we haven’t any Volvic in all of London!
Bas. Horror!
Hol. But he didn’t say anything about Basildon. Does it still have Volvic?
Bas. You know, I haven’t checked. I am so used to my servants doing my shopping I came straight to London to shop at Sainsbury’s (which I know) the moment I ran out.
Hol. Wait…What’s that sound?
Bas. It sounds like a very large delivery truck!
Hol. What could it be carrying?
Enter LARGE DELIVERY TRUCK, being driven by the SMALL CALICO.
Bas. It’s Volvic!
Hol. Being driven by Jasper Darlington Higgins III!
Bas. We’re saved!
Hol. Countess, if you would, once you purchase your Volvic, wire those hundred thousand pounds you spoke of into my personal account?
The End