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Post by Ethan on May 7, 2007 16:48:50 GMT -5
Me almost done, AJ
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Post by Ethan on May 7, 2007 17:08:43 GMT -5
Outside Lucy stood with her back to the wall, a hat pulled low over her eyes -why...out of cold, or she didnt want to be recognized, or is she just cool like that but he hadn’t recognised her. -how does she know? Helena’s face was stoney and thoughtful. -from what I know of Helena, I think she'd be excited about this. her theory may be proven right on this night. She may be hiding her excitement, but, without you telling us, the reader doesn't know The other half, the more dominant half, told her that Helena was a grown woman, that she could look after herself - Lucy's a reporter right? so wouldn't she be more concerned with her story, she knows Helena can handle herself, it's been implied, why say it as her main reason for not stopping them? try "The other half, the more dominant, journalistic half told her to keep going, and get the scoop. Besides, Helena could handle herself" What was more was that the two of them would have another story on their hands, and probably a lot more money than usual - I don;t like this sentence. Lucy doesnt seem to be someone that concerned with money, so this is irrelevant and can be cut out if you want to There had been stories of rape in the city, but Alec… Alec didn’t strike her as the sort of person to go such lengths for something like that. He was too good looking to even need to. -I think this sentence could actually be of more use than just a filler. Make it so that there is like a serial rapist on the loose, and it;s the werewolf or whatever they are after. like, change the sentence to something like "There had been a serial rapist on the loose in the city, and Lucy had even done a story on it. She talked to one of the survivors of the attacks, and then did some additional background research. There had been five killings in two months, all with the same style. The victims were raped, canabalised, and thrown into the woods near (insert park's name) Park. Lucy didn't feel too worried for Helena though, Alec didn't look to fit the part, but there was something about him, that put Lucy off." I love The Alliance for more than just the cute author ( ). I like how everything in Helena's life that she once thought mundane, is being 'tainted' by the supernatural worl (well you all don't know that, but AJ's explained some stuff to me, cuz I'm speshal!...well, I'm her editing b**** ) “Big deal,” replied Helena easily, -wouldn't she be more concerned? however he had his mobile out, “hey, Jake, s’up man?” -haha, because we all know the top vampire slayers keep in touch through Telus *cheesy smile as accepts advertising check from Telus* “how are you for dancing skills?” -heh, if I was asked that i'd be like "Like this *dances dopilly on purpose just to get a cheap laugh*" ummmm...yeah, ignore this one It was an hour before they reached the wanted district -that's a llllllllooooooooooooooong time, AJ...try twenty minutes or something more reasonable...I'd say max 45 minutes, but it's all up to you other people there had taken any notice of the sound, almost as though it was normal. -I hope you explain why these people hear a gunshot and don't even realize it ....have Lucy rationalize this as, maybe a high crime area, and random gunshots into the air were common or something “Most bouncers are. His type of demon can only fit into human forms that large because they’re so big. And it this sort of job suits them. He ain’t the bad sort.” -1. name the demon...give it a type name 2. umm, there must be a better reason for them to be in large bodies than "cuz they're too big" there's my critique, post the next part soon, or I will kill you *glares*
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Post by Chris on May 7, 2007 23:06:28 GMT -5
I've read some, and I just want you to know that I'm reading, so expect a review in the near future.
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Brokenhearts
Rank 15 (On Angie's Level)
Beware, all ye who talk 2 me
Posts: 4,934
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Post by Brokenhearts on May 8, 2007 9:57:01 GMT -5
thankies ethan ;D ill see wat i cn do ill put an edit up soon thankies pesto ;D lukin 4ward 2 it... kinda
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Brokenhearts
Rank 15 (On Angie's Level)
Beware, all ye who talk 2 me
Posts: 4,934
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Post by Brokenhearts on May 8, 2007 9:58:00 GMT -5
Inside, Helena was starting to get impaitent. Since ariving at the club, Alec had lead them to the bar and just waited. The question was- waited for what? She tapped her foot as she sipped at her beer. She wasn’t a big drinker, but she would drink if she felt like it. Helena kept her piecing eyes on Alec the whole time, not say a word, letting him know with simply her face that she was getting impaitient. She was starting to think the whole thing was a bad idea, and even Alec could see those thoughts. The one thought that came unbidden was of Alec himself, she couldn’t help but think he was rather good looking. As soon as it had come she quashed it forcefully, and continued to glare. He shifted slightly in his seat, looking away from her. He ordered a wiskey and finished the sharp bitter drink in one go. He shuddered slightly at the strength of the alcohol in with, and cast his gaze around the packed pub, hoping to see Jake before he saw the renagade werewolf. For once, luck seemed to be on his side. Sqirming his way through the hoards of people, trying not to make himself too conspicuous was the short, slim build of the one and only Jake Myers. Alec could help by chuckle at his friend’s chosen out fit. The baggy pants and too big hoodie looked out of place on his tiny frame. The flat hat that he would constantly say was usless looked odd perched on his head beneath the hood, obscuring his features; something Jake would normally complain about. But he knew very well that a job was a job and would also do his best to complete it. “Hey kiddo,” greeted Alec as Jake came over to greet them. Jake scowled, being many years Alec’s juniour, he always felt rather over looked because of the older man’s understanding of the world around them. “S’up old man,” he responded gruffly, eyeing his friend with angry honey coloured eyes. Helena surveyed the younger male. He couldn’t have been older than eighteen, just a kid, same as Penelope, maybe a little older, but still a child in Helena’s eyes. Yet some how the baggy clothes and exaddurated swagger in his step seemed rather fake and unnatural for his body to do. Under all the layers of clothes, Helena suspected him to be small and lithe. “Hey kid,” Helena spoke up after taking a last swig from her bottle looking at the boy, “you working for Alec or something?” Jake’s eyes swivelled to meet Helena’s. Helena was taken aback. They seemed much older than his body was, as though he had seen things he shouldn’t have yet… expirianced things he shouldn’t have yet. Though his face truly screamed boy, Helena had to begrudgingly admit his eyes nailed him as a man more than anything else. “You gotta be kidding, miss,” his face changed from stoney to a cheeky grin, “we work together.” Alec laughed. “He used to work for me.” “Used to?!” asked Helena, sounding shocked, “but he can’t be older than twenty!” Jake smirked. “You’ll find that age doesn’t effect us in the same way miss,” he responded casually, “I am meant to be thirty,” he added, “and I don’t even want to know how old Alec really is.” Helena stared at him. Thirty… that was a little older than herself. But his face… his body… all that pointed to youth and childness. And yet it made sense. His eyes being so haunted, was not that in the same sense of a child of night mares, more of an adult of maturity. “What’s your name miss?” asked Jake politely, his posture was relaxed, arms crossed as he watched her. “Helena Thompson,” she replied, smiling softly, holding out her hand for him to take, “journalist. And you?” “Jake Myers, werewolf specialist,” his cocky smirk was back as her eyes enlarged, “she still doesn’t believe you does she?” he added to Alec, glancing at him. “Not yet…” she admitted herself, “even your comment of ‘we don’t age the same way’ I’m rather speculative of. The question is, will you prove me wrong?” He blinked at her, then grinned. “Really are a journalist aren’t you, miss Helena. We’d better get going, Carlos ain’t gonna wait around.” “The wolf or another friend.” “The wolf,” said the men together, as Alec stood. Again Alec held his hand out to take Helena, but she ignored it. She finished her drink, set the bottle down and go off on her own. “Lead the way, Mr. Myers.” He mock saluted her, and pointed at the back exit which was being guarding by two large bouncers. “See you in a bit,” he winked, and disappeared into the crowds, no more than about a minute later he could be seen where he had pointed to moments before, talking to the bouncers, and being allowed out the back. “That was fast…” muttered Helena. Alec shook his head, “he’s showing off,” he told her, “let him be.” “Don’t say he’s just a kid,” warned Helena. If what they were saying was true, then he was her age. That deffinetly wasn’t a child. To her surprise she was starting to believe what they had to say, and they hadn’t even shown her the ‘werewolf’ yet. “I can’t,” responded Alec, taking hold of her wrist, “he isn’t.” He pushed his way through the crowd, taking a lot longer than Jake had. Helena didn’t like the feeling of being squashed from all sides, but it wasn’t all that long before they had arrived at the doors. The bouncers greeted Alec with familliarity, but gave her some very odd looks. “You know you not meant show off to women, Alec,” said the white one, mistrustfully, Helena simply stared back. She wandered how he survived the heat in the formal suit. “She’s a newbie,” Alec told them, “Helena Thompson? Needs some convincing.” The white bouncer looked rather doubting, while his friend (a tall middle eastern looking man) beamed at her and nodded. “It’s the woman you-know-who told us about,” he told his collegue. “Hummm…” he still seemed rather sceptical, “well she is with Alec… you sure she’ll be ok?” “She’ll be fine,” Helena said, stonily, “she knows how to look after herself thank you very much. May she go through now.” Each time she stressed on the she; she didn’t like to be spoken about as though she wasn’t there. The bouncers looked at each other and opened the door a fraction allowing Alec and her through. Helena nodded to them both, unsmiling. She wasn’t sure she liked those two as much as she had taken to ‘Gaz’. “They’re not a bad lot,” muttered Alec, closing the door behind them. She said nothing, looking round where she was. It was a dark ally, evidently behind the club. She saw nothing out of the ordinary, closed in walls, bad lighting and a yellow flicking light over head. Obviously not looked after too much. “Where do we go?” “Up.” “Up?” Alec pointed at the stairs which lead up and away from the basement. “It’s another alley, but it’s wider. Carlos like side alleys to kill, from interrogations we’ve found out he thinks it’s more ‘personal’.” Even Alec shuddered at that. “He’s not the most dangerous of wolves, but he’s one of the more psycotic.” Helena nodded, still rather sceptical. Without another word to walked towards the stair case climbing it with Alec following close behind. Jake met them at the top with a tall female, dressed in tight fitting dark clothes. Her red hair obscured her face, and she didn’t speak. “We need to hide,” stated Jake in hushed tones, “Carlos has been spotted less than five minutes away, and he has his next victum with him already. Female, black, fully dressed so not a local from round here.” Alec frowned, “that’s not like him.” “I know,” Jake seemed troubled by it, “we’ll see what he’s been up to when he gets here. The others are here. Miss Helena, stay with Alec, and don’t move. He’ll probably kill his victum before we get to him- I don’t want him to have a chance to get you.” The conversation was rushed and in a half panic. Helena found herself nodding without quite processing what had been said. Moments later, the red headed woman had disappeared, and Jake with her. She looked round trying to find them, but Alec had a hold of her arm and was pulling her down beside a large dustbin, behind trash cans and half open bin bags. She gagged at the stench, but held it in. She wasn’t about to let a little smell get to her now. Her heart was thumping hard, her hands balled into tight fists, kneeling down so she could get a better view, her eyes scanning the area like a cat. She forgot all sceptisisum and waited for this Carlos wolf to turn up get his come-uppance for what he had done. Alec was momentarily distracted from his look out to see Helena look so alert and watching. He shook his head and went back to looking out for the culprit. He trusted the masters enough to know they knew what they were talking about; they would of coarse be right about Helena Thompson too. She was no ordinary person, she seemed like him to be naturally equiped for the job. Though unlike him, she had a choice, his blood line had forced him into the job (not that he was complaining of coarse), Helena seemed to be one of a kind in her family. Yet still he couldn’t quite comprehend how much she seemed to be a natural at this, and she was simply an observer. Meanwhile Lucy was getting imapient. She wanted to know what was going on, being left outside meant she was left in the dark. She was surrounded by strangers and the sort of strangers she wouldn’t want to talk to in a million years. If she hadn’t been standing so near the bouncers, she was sure on the those perverted pimp men would have tried something, even if it was just to insult her. She was the only woman there so covered up, every other female had their legs, arms and breasts almost entirely exposed. She was standing there in rather plain dark clothes, that covered her up and kept out the cold from her skin. About half an hour later she was allowed in, she thanked the bouncer, but glared at him all the same. As paused at the step to scan the basement dance floor to see if she could spot eith Helena or Alec. Though both were very different to the crowd in the room, with the dim lighting and the ammount of people she figured it would be near impossible to locate them. She walked towards the bar, hoping they were hanging around there, waiting for what ever Alec wanted to show Helena. Circling the bar about five times, her clonclusion was that they weren’t there. She sighed heavily. She had lost them. Cursing herself, she sat with a thump in front of one of the bar tenders. “Got a pinacolada?” she asked, refuring to a sweet cocktail that she had taken a fancy to when she had visited Hawaii once. “Got the best,” replied the bar tender, grinning, he saw her expression and frowned. Instead of saying anything, he turned his back to mix the drink. Outside behind the bins, Helena was still tense, ready for anything, She felt when Alec changed posture, her kneeled further up to see better. “Stay here,” he hissed, barely audible. “I’m not stupid,” she retorted, just as quietly, barely moving her lips. She froze, as she spotted a figure coming down the alley. Her hair stood on end knowing, or at leat sensing, that it was all wrong. The taller figure was obviously male, dressed in similar garb to Jake, baggy jeans, baggy hoodie and so on. He had his arm round the waist of a siluetted person, probably female. She was dragging her feet and hiccuping. The closer the came, the more obvious it was that the woman was scared. As they passed under a light, Helena’s heart jolted. The busty dark woman was covered in blood, cuts were open on her abdonmine, her face and her arms. Her jeans were in tatters and her jumper almost useless. The man, a spanish looking male, looking about twenty, had a dark glint in his eyes, he was pulling the hurt woman along as though she was meat, and not a hurt person. He kept snarling something at her making her whimper even more. Helena’s jaw tightened, even if this man wasn’t a renagade werewolf she’d want to see him dead. That was no way to treat another person. Alec put a hand on her shoulder, Helena simply allowed her eyes to slide to look at him, moving no other muscle in her body. He was surprised as to how much control she had over her body. He signeled with small movements that he was going to leave, that she should stay put. With the smallest of nods she returned her attention to the male and female coming closer and closer to her hiding space. She didn’t even know how Alec left, she just knew he wasn’t there any moment. Her entire being was thumping with anticipation as to what Alec was going to do. “Miss, you alright?” asked the bartender to Lucy as he handed over her cocktail. “I’m fine, just great… wonderful,” she told him, sarcasum biting through his voice. His eye brows raised. “I’m a bartender lady, people end up spilling their problems to me over their drinks- I can tell if something’s wrong.” Lucy chuckled. “That sounds cliché,” she told him. “Cliché is my middle name… my first is Rick,” he added, holding out a hand. “Lucy Turner,” she replied, taking it. “The journalist?” “You know me?!” she was somewhat surprised. “Well considering you and your collegue’s… uh… what’s her name… Helen Thomas or something.” “Helena Thompson,” corrected Lucy. “Her! You two tend to try and write about things that would initially get you killed.” He squinted at her. “I thought the two of you would be more of the studious types. The Thompson woman was here earlier with some big man.” “Oh?” asked Lucy, “probably chasing up a story to be honest.” She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her tone. “Oooh…” Rick sounded interested, “journalist arguement?” “Huh- oh no! Nothing like that!” she chuckled, “it’s just… argh… journalisum isn’t safe basically. Who was she with by the way?” “A pretty big guy, kinda scary really. But he looked kinda scared of her.” Lucy chuckled, Helena may have been small, but she was intimadating. “And another guy, smaller, about twnety joined them later.” That was new, Lucy’s interest picked up even more. “They left a while back.” “Did you see where they went?”
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Post by Ethan on May 13, 2007 16:57:58 GMT -5
She tapped her foot as she sipped at her beer. She wasn’t a big drinker, but she would drink if she felt like it, and beer didn’t have all that much alcohol content.
-you should stop it as, but she would drink if she felt like it, it just sounds better
Helena kept her piecing eyes on Alec the whole time
-umm, maybe try to put the first little piece of romance in this sentence, adding something like "He really was good looking" or something harmless like that
older man’s understanding of the word around them.
-typo, should be world
Helena surveyed the younger male. He couldn’t have been older than twenty, just a kid, same as Penelope.
-penelope isnt twenty...and 20 isnt a kid anymore
Though his face truly screamed boy, Helena had to begrudgingly admit his eyes nailed him as a young man than anything else.
-try just man, because a young man is the same as a boy and you are missing a "more"
other than that, there isnt anythign wrong with this...nit that I see anyways
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Brokenhearts
Rank 15 (On Angie's Level)
Beware, all ye who talk 2 me
Posts: 4,934
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Post by Brokenhearts on May 16, 2007 13:11:55 GMT -5
EDITED THE LAST TWO PARTS!!!! CHECK THEM 4 ME PLZ =D
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Post by Ethan on May 16, 2007 14:55:29 GMT -5
Do I haaaaaave to?
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Post by Chris on May 16, 2007 16:11:53 GMT -5
My review is based on the following facts and assumptions: that (a) this story is about a reporter who is sought out by a supernatural exterminator who needs her help, (b) that this story is meant to entertain through drama and the supernatural, and that (c) this story's audience is your fellow guildians. Be forewarned that this story is incomplete, and therefore my opinion may and probably will change after it's completion.
I have been struggling for quite a while for something to say about this piece. I have read, and read it, and read it, and read it again after that. I couldn't figure out why I read it so much and still have nothing to say, and then it just came to me: it didn't leave much of an impression on me. This generic, part-cheesy, part-cliche, part-amateur supernatural 'thriller' that suffers from a case of where-have-I-heard-this-before and choppy dialogue is arguably a good yet cumbersome read with a plot that is easily as glamorous as it is forgettable and a little predictable.
In a nutshell, Helena Thompson is an obscure, hard-as-nails reporter who has a knack for getting answers and she has been secretly working on a thesis about the occult. Since she has shrouded her life in secrecy from her co-workers, both she and they are understandably surprised when Alexander William Van Helsing (uh oh!) shows up out of the woodwork with his faux-nice demeanor and his tall, dark handsome looks saying that he wants to talk to her about the aforementioned thesis. Alec tells Helena in some dive that his people have been watching her for some time, and that they have noticed that she is getting answers to questions about the occult that no one can get. How she's been getting such information and who she's been getting it from is something Brokenhearts apparently feels should be left up to our imagination. When she demands proof that the supernatural stuff Alec is spewing is real, Helena finds herself on a nighttime werewolf hunt, but not before dodging her overtly curious co-worker Lucy through a shady nightclub.
The work has its problems, and they are plentiful to be sure. The dialogue is, I'm sorry to say, at times frown-inducingly, head-scratchingly bad, some of the worst I have seen on the guild. Also, in my opinion, the author in some instances asks the reader to accept certain things as facts where we could have used some due explanation, like just how is it that Helena has been getting her info, and there are some things that just don't make sense, like Helena's utter disbelief at Alec's insistence that the supernatural myths are real when she herself has been researching and getting answers about just such things for years. I get the feeling that the author is trying too hard to make this work when she would be so much better of just letting it flow. And, as usual, it is a bit difficult to get through with all the superficial errors, and coupled with the appearance of these large blocks of text without any spacing between paragraphs it is at times unappealing and discouraging.
And yet ... it's not a disaster, not even close. A lesser writer might have made something like this laughable, but in the very capable hands of Brokenhearts ... I don't know. Somehow this piece's sum adds up to more than its undeniably bad parts, and I have to admit that there is some strange force at work here, some magic between the humdrum and the dismissable. This is particular noticable in the b-story parts where Helena's family is involved, where the normally questionable dialogue and central plot fall away to believably human emotion and interaction, and I found myself for the first and only time so far putty in Brokenhearts hands as the family found itself in turmoil at the threat of a menace unjailed. It certainly isn't lacking in characterization, as each person introduced is distinctive and recognizable, and the chemistry between them all, particularly between Helena and Alec, is noticably palpable. The amateurish style that admittedly works against it does still give it a sort of campy feel. Potential is a key word here, as you get a sense that it all really isn't as bad as it seems, and that it will get tons better as it progresses.
Overall, I'd say while there are some redeeming qualities to this work, I'd have to give it a regrettable thumbs down, mostly because I know that the author has what it takes to do better. This story has so far struck me as one of those dry, flavorless cookies that doesn't have much going for it that you still find yourself addicted to, but unfortunately still leaves you just as hungry as you were before you started.
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Post by Ethan on May 16, 2007 18:18:31 GMT -5
Umm, Pesto, I read, read, and read this, and can't quite see your stance n whether you like it or not...hm...*goes to read it again. I WILL figure it oud, one day. . .
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Post by Chris on May 17, 2007 0:20:45 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure you didn't read as much as you say you did, because I'm pretty sure I left a note that said that I got busy and would finish later, as I now have. Perhaps yours was the optometrist who made the spectacle of himself in your sig, because you obviously haven't gotten those glasses you so desperately need. Anyway, there's my review Broky.
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