Beyond Maya, Into Eakyra

[eakyra]

*BIG SMILE*

THANK YOU FOR BEING THE ONE PERSON WHO NOTICED THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats what im constantly trying to tell people who start feeling all bad and everything for me. Im STILL happy! I mean... yeah, things may go bad, but it wont be that way forever, and you just gotta move on. Be positive and positive things will happen.

As such I will demonstrate here....

So they figured out what was wrong with my dad. Its something I cant pronounce, but apparently its not a HUGE problem and its treatable. What I mean by HUGE problem is, its nothing extremely serious. Serious, but not serious enough to panic over. So he's going to start treatment ASAP and should be back to normal in no time.

Another quick demonstration...

I havent found my key yet, but I talked to my boss and she put all the keys in my name, so apparently, even though I lost a VERY important key, they still want me around.

Yet another one...

You might have seen when I was *screaming* earlier. Well, I wrote my roomate a note telling him that we needed to have a serious talk. I meditated, went to work, kept myself positive about the whole thing, and when I got home to talk to him, even though I was nervous; it couldnt have gone smoother. We spent the rest of the night joking and laughing knowing that we didnt hate each other.

I love being Happy.

[eakyra]

SO I woke up today around 1ish. (I work till 2 in the morning and usually go to bed between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning). Lied there and tried to go back to sleep because I really didnt want to wake up yet, but then Nick called so I figured that was a sign I needed to get up. Then 10 minutes later Emily called me and her and Jono came over. We hung out, then I called Nick and we talked for awhile but I had to make it quick since Em and Jono were still there. Then we all just kinda sat on each other and tested our reflexes by hitting our knees. (I could hardly stand it, im so ticklish there). Then they left and I took a shower and shaved my pretty legs that have huge muscles in them now from work. Then I went to work. Now im at work still. Saturday Nick and I are going out. Not sure what we're doing yet but it will be fun. We like each other, but he just got out of a relationship so I dont want to rush into things. Besides, a part of my heart will always lie in Belize. I miss Chris alot. ALOT!... but thats about it for my day. TTYL,

Eaky

[Emily]

Eaky, you're the person my parents keep on telling me to be I.e. so much more optimistic... I had a crappy day today, and was completely down about it, but then decided that moping is a waste of time, and decided to be a little more 'chirpy'!

I admire you Eaky ;D

[eakyra]

*gets all bubbly*

Thats something I strive for all my life. I want to help people, make a difference, change someones life. Looks like im off to a good start. *big smile* Thank you so much, you have no idea how much that ment to me.

[eakyra]

So my paycheck was supposed to come into today. Nope. Again. I've worked there for over a month and I havnt gotten paid for ANY of my time there. Pfft. It will get sorted out. It will. Yes.. Anyway so when I was going to check and see if it did get in, I ran into Em and Jono and after I was done cursing in the parkinlot at my bank, I went over to Sonic where they pulled in and talked to them awhile. It was good to see them. Made my day better in about 3 minutes. So I just went back home, told Nick about it. He's still comming down but I hope he doesnt decide to pay for anything... I'd feel bad. But I still dont know what we're going to do. I just hope we have fun and stuff. I like him, I really do. I just dont want to rush into anything. And I really cant believe im saying that because I've wanted a boyfriend so bad... not like. I need one, but Its just nice to have to comfort zone, knowing someone really likes you for you and all that crap. Anyway, I still need to clean and im contemplating waking j-rod up early so he can help me since he's obviously not taking to heart our little talk. I dont want to move out on him, but if it continues, im not going to have a choice. I cant stand living in filth. Anyway, I guess im going to stay on here for awhile and then start cleaning and getting ready.
Luvvles,
Carm aka Eaky

[eakyra]

Ugg...

I feel so crappy.

I've had 9 hours of sleep in 2 days.

I have to wake up early AGAIN tomorrow.

Which will make it 13 hours of sleep in 3 days.

I hate mandatory meetings.

Plus, this guy who was like a grandfather to me, died last night.

What makes it worse is that, the gravity of his death hasnt hit me at all yet.

So im sitting here waiting on an emotional breakdown.

Which after of course i'll pick myself back up.

Tell myself, its ok. Your fine. Your happy. Life is good.

Then I'll go on, and try and forget all the pain.

It seems thats what I do, now that I think about it.

I just surpress all of my emotions and replace them with a false sense of happiness.

Maybe.

Or maybe im just doubting how strong I am.

Its hard to tell when your brain feels like cement.

I wish I was home.

[Angie]

You need some chocolate.

[eakyra]

I need sleep. Thats what I need.

[eakyra]

I hate funerals.

[Gil Alexander]

I remember when my great-grandpa died. I remember thinking I was supposed to cry, but I never did. That feeling of utter depression, of pointlessness and apathy towards life ... it's still clear to me. The funeral was like hell, seeing all my relatives break down crying in front of me. But time passed, and everything got okay again. I know how ya feel.

[Angie]

How do you react at funerals? I usually end up being like the people around me. My mom's mother was very close to me (I saw her for hours at a time every day, and we had similar personalities), and when I found out she died, I broke down, but I didn't cry at her funeral because the people near me managed to be strong. When my other grandmother, who I wasn't nearly as close to, died, I cried at her funeral because my dad was crying right next to me. Funerals are just plain awful if you can't go numb. I don't want to go to my own.

[eakyra]

It just depends on how close I was to the person. At Monkey's funeral I tried to be strong. But I eventually just cried silent tears. Today I was trying to comfort my mother, so I tried to be strong for her. But it still was hard because this man was like a grandfather to me. And I didnt get to say goodbye to him.

But Im feeling better. Everythings going to be fine. It always is.

I finally had "the talk" with Nick. We've been getting pretty serious, although we're not technically together yet. But I layed down my rules about Sex. I made sure he knew that I dont just give myself up willy nilly. I have to be completely devoted to the person I am with. I've only been with one person and I really thought he was my forever man, so thats what I mean by completely devoted. He's totally fine with that. I was so relieved. I'll post a pic of him on here shortly.

And possibly a pic of me... maybe.

[Denithar]

I think that's very wise as far as having your rules about sex. And I agree with the girls that it's admirable how you stay happy even when it seems like you shouldn't be. That's what I try to do. And for the picture, you could post and then delete like Froggy did I suppose.

[eakyra]

Thanks Den. It means alot.

But it doesnt matter anymore.

I think im starting to accept that my worst fear will be realized and I will die alone. I cant believe how attatched I got to him, he seemed so right in so many ways. I can feel my heart crying but my eyes are dry. Im so tired of people doing this to me, I've never found a guy who would treat me right. Never found someone who loved me. Never found it, and I wonder if I will.

Ok, there was my depressed little post. Now i'll try really hard to be happy.

. . .

Im trying guys. I just am really hurt.

[eakyra]

Im healing.

I wish I didnt have to heal.

I wish the person I've been waiting on would just appear.

And... that would be cool.

I've gained 2lbs. I need to stop eating this "Im so sad and depressed" Icecream....

But its the only one who understands me...

Lol...

Im doing alot better really.