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Post by Denithar on Oct 11, 2006 8:53:32 GMT -5
In this case by "Great minds" I meant their ability to write in an educated manner, both pleasing to the senses of the reader, and concisely putting forward their thoughts.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 11, 2006 14:15:26 GMT -5
Um, yup! ;D
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Post by The Observer on Oct 11, 2006 17:06:35 GMT -5
thanks for pointing that out Eakyra, I fixed the so cold thing and I'll add punctuation soon. I'm not sure about a title. Perhaps "Wounded Warrior" or "Of Life and Death". I dunno. Sometimes I can think of really great titles, sometimes not.
I'm glad you noticed the unrhyming last line Cy. That was actually intentional. It is supposed to set up for a ryme that does not come. It is metaphorical for a life of promise that ends in dissapointment, and also foreshadows the abruptness of the poem's end. Kinda like dissonance in music. You may still not like it, but does it make sense now?
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 11, 2006 20:15:25 GMT -5
As a matter of fact, The Observer seems to act very well as my reflection, in that he is intelligent enough to keep me thinking at my full capacity. Well, not my full capacity (that would be terribly unsettling) but at about 3/4 of my full capacity, which is definitely saying something. I'll pick apart your poem if you want me to, but it's just full of fragments and other such stuff. The message incredibly ambiguous, in that it lacks specificity in every part.
"Wounded warrior/Broken pride" are fragments. They need 1) articles and 2) predicates. "Stumbling creature/Deathly weak" need the same sort of things. "Desert land" is incorrect, a) because it is not idiomatic and b) because desert cannot modify land, as it isn't an adjective. Plus it sounds stupid, but coming from me that doesn't mean much. I am ignoring all your comma faults, because it looks as if you dispensed with all of them. "heart so cold" is, again, a fragment. Between "As he begs to be let go" and "To die in a foreign land" there ought to be either a comma or an 'and'. "Desperate struggle/Breathing now" are two fragments. The subsequent line should not begin with 'And,' as it isn't proper to begin sentences with aforementioned article.
The only problem with the last stanza is that you seem to have used something very much like an ending line I used myself in a poem which I copy wrote on the the eighteen of July, 2006.
To be bluntly honest, the lack of correct grammar absolutely ruined the poem for me. As far as I can see, all bad grammar does is make the language more accessible to the common folk, or the work seem closer to "the people". As for myself, I detest it.
His Ordained Holiness, Rev. JS
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Post by The Observer on Oct 11, 2006 21:28:13 GMT -5
Well, if bad grammar makes language more accessable to the common folk, then I will try ardently to forever use bad grammar. It is the commoners that I write for, the upper class can buy thier own inspiration from minds much more pandering and sycophanitc than my own.
And, I hate to break it to you, but I am not your reflection. And you are not mine. Perhaps we are both intelligent, but there are few similarities besides that. We differ in almost every point of both personality and perspective. If our only true similarity is our intelligence, then you must know that we are not much alike. Intelligence is among the most unimportant and ephemeral things in this world.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 11, 2006 23:00:29 GMT -5
Thank God! I dont know if I could handle two of you.
And your welcome OB. I like the title "Of Life and Death" the best. But to me the poem seems to say, well I dont know. Something whimsical and deep.
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Post by The Observer on Oct 11, 2006 23:06:19 GMT -5
"Something whimsical and deep" I like that! I should try to use that phrase in something. It is paradoxial, yet quite fitting.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 11, 2006 23:08:39 GMT -5
Lol, for a minute there I thought you were going to use it as the title! Glad I could help.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 11, 2006 23:12:32 GMT -5
"Intelligence is among the most unimportant and ephemeral things in this world."
I disagree eternally.
"Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it."
Appropriate?
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Post by eakyra on Oct 11, 2006 23:28:37 GMT -5
I dissagree.
I think, therefor I am.
No way.
I am not my mind, and my mind is not I.
Thats how I "think" about it.
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Post by johnsapphire on Oct 12, 2006 9:48:35 GMT -5
You're making little or no sense.
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Post by Denithar on Oct 12, 2006 11:56:52 GMT -5
I love this! Carry on Eakyra, OB, and your Holiness. (How do you prefer to be addressed, John? And by the way, I think a minister who is an atheist is a sick joke.) We might go so far as to have a Socratic debate on the importance of logic versus heart/emotions.
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Post by eakyra on Oct 12, 2006 14:32:00 GMT -5
What I meant was, is I dont believe that my mind is who I am. My mind, is not I. Its like a seperate entity almost. Have you ever said too yourself, "Im so sick of myself." Did you ever wonder, if im sick of myself? Then their must be two of me? The true you is your divine self that lives inside of you, once you become in tune with that divine self, its like enlightenment. You'd have to read The Power of Now to understand more clearly. But my mind and my thoughts do not constitue wholey who I am.
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Post by Emily on Oct 12, 2006 14:42:46 GMT -5
Well said Eaky.
I'm just going to leave again - I'll get flamed by someone. ¬_¬
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Post by The Observer on Oct 12, 2006 18:19:47 GMT -5
I won't flame you.
Firstly, there is a difference between "intelligence" and "the mind". The mind is equal among all men, our minds our how we think, or rahter, how we use our intellect. THe intellect itself is not particuarly relevant. It is importnat that we use it, but it is not at all a lasting thing. Knowledge is proven wrong and great throuhgts fade away and are forgotten. IT is important to pusue knowledge, but wisdom is far more enduring and infinitly more useful. Don't get me wrong, I think everyone should work hard to learn and better themselves, but an understanding that human knowledge is essentially futile is important.
Also, thinking is not proven as the hardest work there is. You quote is nice, but perhaps some argument to back it up? I have seen those that work harder every day than I have in my entire life. Yes, a lot of it is physical work, perhaps it is not as noble. But I say that the man works 16-20 hour days, walking barefoot through miles of toxic trash and criminal terriotry, whose feet bleed and hands are calloused, and who has not yet seen his sixteenth birthday, THAT MAN has worked at least as hard, if not HARDER than any here or among the world's "great thinkers".
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